Most Satisfying Adult Sentence
The most satisfying adult sentence?
“Yeah, I’m not going to do that.”
That sentiment has recently popped up online.
It packs a wallop of empowering truth.
Attention: all people pleasers!
Some deeper reasons why it empowers us?
We get to realize something’s important to us.
Many of us have learned a toxic lie: nothing is, or should be, important to us.
It often shows up in the messaging of whatever IS important to us, it is “wrong,” and we need to be ashamed of it.
It often shows up as we feel the pressure to be and to stay numb. Don’t feel… and certainly, don’t cry or be angry. Forbidden.
We may be surrounded by people, even loved ones, who are emotionally catatonic. They are zombies, just going through the motions. There is no joy, no passion, no wide spectrum of responses.
They are flat and dull, and, seemingly, unaffected by anything.
But are they?
For as much as we have been exposed to these individuals, and to the distorted, harmful lie that there is no emotion to be found occurring in them, they are emotionally affected, even if those emotions are underground, deeply buried, and denied.
Something, for good or evil, is important enough to them, to affect them. These effects can, unfortunately, come out as addictions, compulsions, disorders, and poor choices.
The things all these possibilities have in common, though?
A strong drive creates them and spurs them on.
But, if a person, even one so strongly and negatively affected by things like addiction, cannot even see that they are not immune from having something resonate as important to them, there is a toxic disconnect there.
They have not accepted the reality that something matters.
And they do not know, nor accept, that they can give themselves permission to allow that thing to have that level of importance in their lives.
That’s a sad reality; some people simply do not know something can genuinely be important to them.
And they don’t need to be afraid or ashamed of that.
“Yeah, I’m not going to do that.”
Some of us have received toxic messages that nothing should be important… ever.
Some of us have been told that life is pointless and hopeless. Therefore, “don’t get your hopes up.”
That’s where “Yeah, I’m not going to do that” can be our game changing tool.
What if we decided to allow ourselves the things that are important to us? What would that look like?
Our first challenge is to give ourselves permission to embrace that things can and will be important to us.
We get to learn what’s important to us.
After we secure this permission for ourselves about the important things, next comes the discovery process.
We get to learn.
And, for some of us, that’s a revolutionary concept.
Again, it can be a case of receiving wrong information. Some of us believe that new information is “bad,” even “sinful.” We feel guilty for learning any incoming information that doesn’t align with how we were raised or who we have spent most of our time with.
But what if that familiar information is wrong, abusive, and inaccurate?
And what if the new information we access and learn about is beneficial, joyful, and fulfilling to us?
What if the sheer fact that we are learning is a good thing, not a horrible thing?
So, continuing with the harmful, the ineffective, and the ill-fitting?
“Yeah, I’m not going to do that.”
We can choose to learn more, not less. We can choose to not be rigid. We can choose to do something differently if something in our life is not working.
We do get to learn possibilities of other choices.
And then…
We get to choose what’s important to us.
After learning about possibilities, then comes the choosing.
Not everything is for everyone.
Preference.
It is a powerful word and concept.
Have we been forbidden from our preferences?
Have we been forbidden from the knowledge that we can choose to pursue our preferences?
If, we answer “yes” to that, we have an opportunity to say something else now…
“Yeah, I’m not going to do that.”
We tap into what we like, what we want, what makes us happy. That can be an alien concept to many of us. We, who are accustomed to placing everyone and everything else ahead of us, are not familiar with putting ourselves first, let alone, inhabiting any space, whatsoever, on “the list.”
But empowerment comes when we practice doing just that. It can be in big ways, but it can also be in the smaller decisions as well.
Like…
What is my favorite food? How do I want to dress?
Saying “yes” to these things gradually builds our healthier sense of self. So, besides knowledge and application of that knowledge, we now move into a space where we feel better about ourselves…
We get to feel good about what’s important to us.
Whether it’s an ignorance or a negativity we believe about ourselves as we are faced with our likes and dislikes, we still need to adjust to a new way of being in life.
It’s okay to not be ashamed, nor afraid, of our preferences.
Too, often, we are told, in unnecessary and harmful ways, that we are bad or wrong for liking and choosing what we like.
Shames and fear are our default settings.
But, if we start saying, first, to ourselves, then, to others…
“Yeah, I’m not going to do that…”
…what will happen? What freedom? What happiness?
And yes, what pushback?
But we need to learn, apply, and teach this statement to ourselves, as well as to “everyone else.”
And not everyone will enjoy hearing that.
But that’s okay. We can still like what we like.
We don’t need to prove anything.
Satisfaction: What can we choose?
It can feel just as, if not more, satisfying to say “no” to something or someone.
Why is that?
There are multiple personal reasons.
One of them involves the reality that, when we say “no” to someone or something, we say “yes” to something else.
And what if that “something else” we say “yes” to is ourselves?
What does that look and feel like?
Many of us do not know, because we have little-to-no experience making that choice for ourselves… for whatever reason.
“Yeah, I’m not going to do that.”
This statement, therefore, can become a declaration of independence.
When our preferences, choices, likes, and pursuits are not predicated on someone else’s pressure, influence, expectation, pleasure, or needs, we can become more connected to ourselves.
And that, in the “say yes to ourselves” realm, can promote personal happiness, growth, success, and self-esteem.
We learn, and develop, and know, more fully, who we are.
“Yeah, I’m not going to do that.”
Let’s see what happens when we embrace that statement in our lives.
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse
What are Graciousness and Realistic Expectations?
Is it a case of either/or?
Graciousness or Realistic Expectations.
Which one?
Can both exist in an accurate way?
This is a challenge for many of us, especially if we are female.
Often, we get many mixed messages that emphasize image and people pleasing over truth and moral standards.
First, Be Polite (Be Gracious).
Here’s often where things start. Social conditioning.
“Be nice,” as in…
“Sugar and spice and everything nice…”
Yes, there is often a female job description: nice…polite… gracious.
The expectation tied to graciousness usually involves us being accommodating to a fault. We are encouraged to go above and beyond, to accept unacceptable treatment from others, while trying to meet a need.
There is a strong pressure many of us face as we try to be nice, sweet, and polite.
Being those things often are a disservice to us; those things are even harmful to us.
We people-please, often doing things against our will and preferences, while placing our personal well-being and health at risk.
It’s peer pressure. But it doesn’t have an expiration date to it, simply because we have grown past adolescence.
Nevertheless, it is pressure from someone else, who usually doesn’t have our best interest at heart.
What often adds further complication and pressure for us is that these people may be someone we love. A romantic relationship. Family. These are just a couple of examples.
Expectations: Unrealistic?
However, it is here that we find ourselves bumping into the expectation issue.
Yes, we can understand others’ expectations of us. They want to be pleased, obeyed, and prioritized.
Those expectations can strongly influence us, to our detriment.
Furthermore, these expectations don’t accurately depict what is our responsibility. We can believe that we need to take on things that are other peoples’ issues, not ours. Our unrealistic expectations, therefore, can distort what, exactly is graciousness for us… and what is not.
Next, Make Believe (Be Gracious).
This inaccurate definition and pressure of being gracious, in all its dysfunction, can, therefore, set the stage for an additional complicated element to our sense of responsibility…
We can resort to magical thinking.
This can often show up as assertions like, “If I am really kind to them, and do this thing for them, they will return the favor and be kind back to me.”
The Golden Rule.
“Do unto others…”
Expectations: Unrealistic?
We believe that by “doing unto others,” a/k/a, “being nice/gracious,” we can make things be how we want them to be. We just need to be “nice enough.”
That is the answer.
Sowing and reaping. Karma. Faith in “one good turn deserves another.”
We hold tight to this ideal concept.
And, while it is noble in theory, realistically, it is not honored and implemented nearly as often as it should be.
Some people do not hold this sentiment in the same high esteem as we do. Some people aren’t aware of it. Some people don’t feel any need to behave in a way that exemplifies it.
And depending how strong our sense of optimism and hope may be, we can find ourselves waiting, seemingly, indefinitely, for their reciprocity.
We may be waiting a long time, if not forever, for that to happen.
Still, even presented with this reality, how many of us respond by doubling down on the giving “nice” principle?
“Be nice-er.” (Be More Gracious).
Yep, somehow, we can decide to go still further.
Just keep trying, and trying, and then, trying some more until we’re out of breath and anemic.
There is not a limit on our efforts; we feel the pressure to “do more.”
And it’s a bottomless pit. Because we can always “be nicer,” right?
Expectations: Unrealistic?
But everyone has limits.
Financial, physical, legal, emotional, mental, and spiritual limits.
The unrealistic argument that appears to get lodged in our brains, however, is that we can still do more. We can still give more. We can, still “be nicer.”
More “gracious.”
A toxic component to that belief system is that we should be all those things, along with the mandate of our ability to continue with those actions.
And, yes, how many of us are still holding on to the wishful thinking that, surely, if we do more, somehow “they” will appreciate it and respond to us with the same behaviors?
They will pay us back. They will rescue us. They will be our friends with us. They will love us.
Sadly, despite that, again, being a lovely, idealistic theory, its reality can be a gamble, at best.
It may never occur to some peoples’ minds to acknowledge or to repay a kindness or a favor.
Yes, ignorance is a possibility, even while it’s not an appropriate excuse.
If someone loves us, there should be consideration of our needs, situations, and of the shared relationship with have with them.
But some people didn’t get that memo.
And then, there are some people that simply don’t care.
That’s a punch to the gut to entertain that unflattering reality.
Yet it exists, all the same.
Some people are “takers.” And that is all they are. They look for opportunities to take advantage of other people.
Some people, emotionally, mentally, and yes, financially, are not capable of returning the favors and the kindnesses extended to them in good faith.
And some of these people, furthermore, are also unwilling to do so.
More punches to the gut.
Yet, it is here where we are afforded the opportunity to respond in a healthy manner…
Finally, Reality (Be Gracious).
This is an ongoing lesson for many of us; we are on its spectrum.
But this is the healthier, more accurate assessment of what is really going on.
It requires our involvement, questioning their role… and our role in these circumstances.
What is the reality here?
Not what we would like it to be, hope it will turn into, or try to manipulate into being.
What is it, right now?
Their and Our Expectations: Unrealistic or Realistic?
We need to assess the concept of expectations, within the context of graciousness.
It is not for the faint of heart.
However, if we’re brave and willing to look at these things, we can experience a healthier perspective and outcome.
We need to look at the people in our lives.
Who are they?
Family? Friends? Coworkers? Bosses? Some powerful institution?
The individuals who are in our lives influence proximity’s power, and any potential entitlement they presume and ask of that proximity.
What do they feel they are entitled to?
Our time? Our money? Our help? Our unconditional love?
What has led them to that conclusion?
Here is where we start looking at what kind of person they are.
Are they addicts? Users? Immature? Manipulative individuals?
Are they entitled individuals and abusers of their power?
These are some of the possible explanations to explain who we are dealing with.
But it doesn’t stop here.
Yes, they may show up as these potential things.
But why do they ask us for help or favors?
Are we convenient? Are we always there? Do we struggle with appropriate boundaries? Do we have poor self-esteem? Do we always say, “yes?” Do we feel guilty?
These are some of the questions we need to ask ourselves. And these questions, and their answers, shift the focus from them to us.
Yes, they may believe and act on certain beliefs and behaviors, but we also participate in these things, either passively or actively.
This is not about victim blaming.
Rather, it is about deeply examining the definitions and the requirements of graciousness and expectations.
What are they?
Who believes and practices what, as everyone involved deals with graciousness, and the expectations that come with that definition?
Gracious… Or Fake?
Does graciousness invalidate authenticity?
Not necessarily.
Graciousness and people pleasing are two different things. This can often be the first radical shift of thinking on our part.
They are not the same thing.
REPEAT: THEY ARE NOT THE SAME THING.
Many of us, however, believe that they are.
Their and Our Expectations: Unrealistic or Realistic?
We believe that we cannot be gracious without being people pleasers.
But graciousness is not solely dependent upon pleasing others. Graciousness is more about holding ourselves to a standard of quiet dignity and self-respect.
And yes, that involves compassion.
But many of us also have an inaccurate definition of compassion.
Many of us equate compassion with “doormat.”
That’s not flattering. Nevertheless, we, somehow, believe that we can never “say no.”
“Doormat.”
But we can be compassionate without being the rescuer or “the sucker.”
There’s a term: “idiot compassion.”
Buddhist nun, Pema Chödrön coined this term, referring to when a person tries to help a someone who is dysfunctional, and not receptive to making lasting progress or changes. This can be, for instance, an addict who is not interested in getting help for recovery, only in getting help, via enabling of their addiction.
It’s repetitive and exhausting to help someone who is not working towards better choices.
Many of us can get stuck trying to help, trying to rescue, in these instances.
We embody “the doormat.”
We may believe that we’re being compassionate and “gracious,” but it’s not helpful. In fact, it can be harmful, especially to us.
How much time, energy, money, resources, and emotional investment do we pour into them?
We can be gracious, while possessing our boundaries and limits.
That’s part of the ongoing work we need to practice.
Likewise, knowledge of ourselves, our capacity, boundaries and limits included, also needs to be put into practice by us.
Gracious… Or Self-Knowledge?
Again, it’s not one or the other. Both can coexist at the same time.
We can see that there is a crisis, but is it always our job to tend to that crisis?
We are not the sole emergency person out there.
Some situations are beyond our intervention.
And that’s okay.
Their and Our Expectations: Unrealistic or Realistic?
That’s part of self-knowledge. Challenge thoughts and expectations. Not everything hinges on us.
Specialists, including paramedics, doctors, mental health experts, therapists, social workers, and addiction counselors, are all examples of other, more helpful people to turn to.
It’s not about passing the buck or shirking responsibility.
Rather, it is about accurately assessing what is gracious, and how, yes, even our graciousness can be exploited and weaponized against us.
Who else can help them if we cannot? There is someone else, besides us, out there.
Our response, underscoring that belief and behavior, is a response.
And not surprisingly, that response can be challenged by others, who were expecting something else from us.
The Gracious Response.
Here, we are faced with the reality of response.
Take, for example, the neutral response, maybe, complete with a displeasing no to someone’s request.
When we say this, we are calm and polite. When we say this, we also know this person is not happy with us.
Maybe they are even hostile.
They push back against our response. They expected another answer/action out of us.
If we decide, to hold to our response, and display a flat effect, we may respond by saying, “Okay.”
(We may even politely smile. But we don’t cave).
What then happens in this situation? Well, perhaps…
After the polite smile/no combo, they get more agitated and irritated.
Maybe they officially flip out.
It can often be here that they personally attack us, and name-call us. They may try guilt and intimidation, trying to change “no” to “yes.”
It’s a fun time, for sure, isn’t it?
The common theme, however, is how they do not accept our answer. They want what they want and will keep trying unpleasant and abusive tactics to get it from us.
Their opinion, because they aren’t getting what they want from us easily, is that we are NOT being “gracious.”
Furthermore, their opinion of us is that our response is not a realistic nor a healthy response of appropriate boundaries.
Instead, in their minds, we are “unreasonable.”
“Mean.”
“Unloving.”
And any epithet under the sun. Use your cuss word imagination here.
But let’s return to a reality check.
We are being gracious, even though the other person is not getting what they wanted from us.
Graciousness and being realistic, for that matter, have less to do with their response, and more to do with ours.
When we are aware of and respond accordingly, we harness not just our reaction, but our power as well.
People pleasing does not equal graciousness.
And, if we pursue that faulty definition, this people pleasing version of “graciousness” does not equal our worth and value.
Others, still, will make it their mission to convince us otherwise.
Gracious and Realistic.
What can we expect from a situation, with or without other people?
And, more importantly, perhaps, what can we expect from ourselves?
It can often come down to this statement…
“This situation is unhealthy-insane-disordered. Results may vary.”
Can we honestly look at, question, and answer what are those unhealthy-insane-disordered factors?
Can we see that these conditions are not, therefore, the final authority on graciousness and realistic expectations?
More to the point, it is not our responsibility to fulfill these unhealthy, insane, and disordered expectations.
That’s the realistic take we need to embrace.
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse
Are we the ones willing?
“Generational trauma falls hardest on the ones willing to heal.”
Nate Postlethwait
Abuse, often, doesn’t just appear out of nowhere.
It is learned. It is observed. It is practiced.
And, often, it has existed for generations. Perhaps, our parents learned maladaptive, harmful behaviors by watching their parents. And our grandparents, more than likely, learned destructive ways of being from watching their parents.
And how far back does that whole dreadful situation go?
What is especially painful to learn and cope with is the issue of willingness. Who was/is willing to embrace, accept, challenge, or change behavior, abusive, intergenerational trauma included?
For, as much as we can find, looking back, those individuals who engaged in and terrorized via abusive, traumatic behaviors and choices, we can also find people who were willing to challenge, change, and stop toxic dynamics.
The willingness of individuals can largely determine how issues like abuse and trauma are handled. Some people enable and turn a blind eye to unhealthy situations. Some people choose to abuse; it is a choice they willingly choose.
For those of us who dare to defy abusive environments and behaviors, however, we must ascertain how willingness shows up for us.
Therefore, we need to be willing to…
Notice trauma.
Think about it. As you heard family stories, especially involving older generations, was anyone ever labelled as “crazy?” How about “a problem?” Or “difficult?” These are just a sampling of words used to dismiss someone or give them a certain reputation.
Why were they labelled this way?
Perhaps, because of the willingness they demonstrated.
Did they willingly resist, fight against, and protect others from abusive and traumatic situations?
Were they exiled, shunned, and persecuted as scapegoats for their willing choices?
And what about situations we personally experienced? What have we personally seen and encountered?
Were we hit, punched, kicked, spat upon, or shoved? Did we witness someone else experiencing those things? Were there verbal tirades? Did someone exercise control over finances? Did people lie about, cover up, make it easier for these dynamics to exist?
Was it hell on earth?
The huge lie many of us have believed, confronted, and defied has been that “this is normal.” Someone getting harmed is “normal.” Constant terror and instability are “normal.” Feeling unsupported, unheard, unseen, and trapped is considered “normal.”
Breaking the toxic spell of that lie is often the first step of our recovery. And it’s not easy. It requires us to look at what we lived. It requires that we notice. That means scrutinizing and paying attention to what happened. Not what we wish had happened. Not what was more appealing or easier to view.
What really happened?
Willingness is the prerequisite of moving into that space and seeing things as they are.
We cannot go any further if we don’t notice what happened.
Make no mistake. It “falls hardest” on us willing individuals because we are going against “the norm.” Often, we do this alone, unsupported from others, like family members. The consequences of our willingness to notice, rather than to ignore, can include shunning, ridicule, withdrawal of love, and smear campaigns. We can become outliers, simply for noticing. Toxic individuals view our observations as betrayal. We don’t fall in line and agree with the assertion that there is “nothing to see here.”
And this often can be a deeply entrenched intergenerational belief system. It was in in place before us. And, sadly, it can go on after us, despite our seeing and alerting people to its toxicity. Family, especially, are often not interested in new information that challenges how “we’ve always done it this way.”
Our willingness to notice is powerful. And, once we see it, then what?
We need to also be willing to…
Get help.
Okay, so we see something; we notice something.
What action do we take?
Getting help. Therapy. Outside intervention. Changing our patterns.
Are we willing to do this?
For many of us, it can feel like we don’t have a choice but to change. It has gotten so bad, that our lives, our health, our well-being, our finances, and our children are in jeopardy if we don’t “get help.”
Willingness can come out of sheer survival. And it can come from a desire to improve our lives.
We see that an entrenched, destructive way of doing things is NOT working. It destroys life, rather than creating and preserving life.
Some people don’t see that. Some people see that ugly reality, yet choose to ignore it, and do nothing about it. Some people choose to keep engaging IN it, allowing abusive, harmful, and dysfunctional behaviors to continue and flourish for years or decades to come.
Hardness falls on us as, yet again, we are unsupported. People, especially family, may label us as “crazy,” “the problem,” or “difficult” for our choice to get help. Again, we’ll be judged and ridiculed. Sometimes, we may even be threatened. Dysfunctional and abusive people may also try to sabotage and interfere with our pursuit of getting help.
Often, they don’t want us to get better; they want us to stay miserable.
It can be that ugly.
It takes great bravery and strength to get help, in the face of that hostile, painful, and unsupportive reality.
But getting help can liberate us to experience the quality lives we should have always had. We deserve that experience.
Willingness opens the door to that happening.
And, after getting help, we need to be willing to…
Decide it’s not our fault.
Yes, we’ve noticed the trauma and the dysfunction, and, yes, we are seeking help.
But the work is not done yet.
We need to embrace this concept: it’s not our fault.
That’s the exact opposite of the message many of us have believed and lived. All too often, our abusers blamed us; they made us responsible for their abhorrent behavior. We were “bad boys/girls.” We were “dirty,” “not good enough,” and the problematic reason why someone drank, used, beat, hit, or mistreated us in so many ways. And this, again, can go back generationally, so much so, it is simply regarded by the system as how things are done here.
Replacing that entrenched way of thinking and viewing ourselves is not quick and easy. Realizing that we are not to blame for another person’s choice, let alone, another generation’s choice, is strange and unfamiliar to us. It can feel unnatural.
To look at the concept of where, exactly, fault lies, we need to face unsettling, disturbing, and ugly truths of who people are, what a situation was, not what we’d like to be, and what our part needs to be, from here. Generational context can aid in explaining how we wound up here.
And it’s not a simple blame game, and that’s that. “Blame,” yes, may be a part of the process. However, we need to move forward and do our healing work from there. It’s not enough to simply declare it’s “so and so’s fault,” and then proceed with our lives, unchanged.
Change, on our part, is a necessary component of our work and healing.
It’s about accurately assessing the situation, with the people involved, for what it is. It’s about identifying and challenging abusive, toxic, harmful, and dysfunctional behaviors. And then, we need to act accordingly, and change the thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that are not healthy as they show up in us.
“It’s YOUR fault!” is one of those damaging, intergenerational beliefs and behaviors, shifting blame away from an abuser to, instead, the abused and the vulnerable.
The trauma should never have happened. We didn’t deserve it. We didn’t deserve it getting passed down to us, taught to us, forced upon us.
Yet here we are, with its aftermath.
Therefore, we need to recognize our need to work to change any vestige of that trauma’s impact on us now.
And, therefore, we need to be willing to…
Heal lifelong.
“…‘Do you want to get well?’"
John 5:6
Willingness is an ongoing choice; wellness is an ongoing choice.
It’s not a “one and done” thing.
And so, “the ones willing” commit to healing lifelong, with all that it entails.
It’s an imperfect quest.
Healing is not linear or predictable. It’s filled with failures, setbacks, heartache, loss, and feelings of insecurity and instability.
Many of us who have been in abusive and dysfunctional systems, including intergenerational trauma, have been cast as scapegoats, black sheep, outsiders, and the “defective” or “crazy ones.” We didn’t go along with the agenda of the “others.” We did not pleasantly participate in the dysfunction in the way toxic people expected us to participate.
Therefore, we won’t get their support in our healing. That can be a shock to our system.
That is part of the hardness that often falls to us. We may need to go it alone. We may encounter resistance, sabotaging efforts, and hostility as we pursue our healing.
Others may not want us to get better. It may be too threatening to them. That’s an unfortunate possibility we need to accept and prepare for.
We still have our choice. Will we choose to heal, for the long-term?
Where do we stand on willingness?
We repeatedly decide what to do with this approach in life. Are we willing, or aren’t we? We decide what we’ll do daily. It’s not just the large issues. It is also the smaller, perhaps, more pervasive, and tedious details.
We’re the mavericks, the pioneers, and the change agents if we choose to heal. If we are willing. That’s not to be underestimated. Other people and other generations may not have been willing; they may not have been in a position where they felt they could pursue the willingness to heal.
But we are who and where we are in life. We have the knowledge and the access.
Will we be willing to do what we need to do with those things?
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse
A Wall or a Door?
“Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is.”
Mark Groves
“I have hit a wall.”
You and I have heard that expression in life. We get what it means. A limit. An obstacle. A barrier. A hindrance, perhaps. But it is something that, in some way, limits access and movement.
However, most of us have had a less solid perspective on boundaries. Some of us have no clue what they are. Some of us execute practicing healthy examples of them.
And some of us are in the middle, while we stumble over discovering and implementing what personally is important to us, what keeps us safe, healthy, and accurately in touch with who we are.
We seem to struggle with knowing what a wall is, what is a boundary, and why do we view those things as such.
We, therefore, need to identify, deal with, and correct what structure is a wall and what is a door.
Tough work. But we need to start the work.
And it begins with awareness.
Walls: All or Nothing?
Okay, so we have been hurt.
Abuse, bad relationships, exploitation, and some real examples of danger and dysfunction can all play a part in that definition of being hurt.
Therefore… walls.
We erect them because we are feeling endangered. And we want to protect ourselves against that danger, and the future hurt that comes with it.
Walls because…
It’s unsafe; we feel unsafe. Probably, because we are subject to unsafety.
Walls because…
Lack and scarcity are present. Abusive dynamics are normalized. Rejection, and an absence of healthy love, are dominantly expressed in our lives.
And also walls because…
No discernment. Permissiveness. Behavior.
Part of that includes silence and secrecy.
It’s not a secret that we can wall off anyone having access to us. For survival. For self-protection.
But walls can also trap us with someone or something unhealthy and dangerous.
We are ashamed, scared, devoted to something that can hurt and kill us.
We are dependent on it to meet a need, to deliver a heart’s desire.
We are in need.
We are starving. So, we take any crumbs offered.
That promotes abuse and unhealthy behavior because we accept mistreatment, disrespect, cruelty, and abuse. We settle for less than our worth. We endure that which we do not deserve.
Walls kept up can keep others out; walls can keep unhealthy dynamics going, keeping us trapped from within.
Walls can keep us distracted, overwhelmed, and ignorant of another reality and practice: boundaries.
Doors: Boundaries are the Doorknob.
If we can learn about the existence of the door, with boundaries being the doorknob, we can maybe become healthier individuals, with better lives to show for it.
A boundary isn’t just a loud stop sign. A boundary is a decision and a value assessment.
And most of us are not good at properly valuing ourselves.
Boundaries include…
Discretion. Self-respect. Self-knowledge.
Limits on access. The word, “no.”
Entrance. Intimacy. Behavior.
These are some of the synonyms and associations for the concept of “boundary.”
And there is one more thing concerning “boundary…”
Requirement.
That involves teaching.
Also known as education.
No matter how we view it, it still doesn’t change how the reality of requirement’s existence hinges upon learning what to protect and value, deciding who and what has access and influence regarding us.
That’s an ongoing learning lab, with us constantly changing, reevaluating, and growing.
With requirement, we come to discover that it’s not about granting unearned unconditional love. We do require more.
Knowing our worth, over time and life lessons, mandates us to require more.
Now we know better who we are. Now we know better what is and is not a dealbreaker.
If we have done any of the deep, personal, and meaningful work we need to do, we will know better what we require in life.
If we look at a doorknob, we see its simple power.
A doorknob is a visible part of the door. It doesn’t engulf the entire door. But it’s a vital component in dictating what is allowed in and out of the rooms of our lives, and what those rooms represent.
A doorknob turns, opens, and closes. To varying degrees. That is symbolic of boundaries.
And a doorknob operates on a case- by- case basis.
It intentionally turns, opens, and closes. There’s nothing really happenstance or accidental about it.
And that’s how we should approach boundaries.
Intentionally. Thoughtfully. Personally.
What is important to us?
What access will we allow someone or something, based upon the answer to that question?
A Wall or a Door: Identifying and Understanding a Structure…
A wall is largely a barrier. It separates one thing from another. A wall of a house. A wall guarding our hearts.
A door bridges what is on either side of the wall.
A door opens and closes.
A door allows and forbids access.
A door can be locked, but it must deliberately be locked. It won’t happen on its own.
What structure governs our lives? What is an absolute? What can be negotiated?
Knowing, and acting upon those answers is empowering.
We decide.
What structure dominates how we experience our lives?
How do we experience access, safety, love, and relationships?
A wall or a door?
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse
