What are Graciousness and Realistic Expectations?

Is it a case of either/or?

Graciousness or Realistic Expectations.

Which one?

Can both exist in an accurate way?

This is a challenge for many of us, especially if we are female.

Often, we get many mixed messages that emphasize image and people pleasing over truth and moral standards.

First, Be Polite (Be Gracious).

Here’s often where things start. Social conditioning.

“Be nice,” as in…

“Sugar and spice and everything nice…”

Yes, there is often a female job description: nice…polite… gracious.

The expectation tied to graciousness usually involves us being accommodating to a fault. We are encouraged to go above and beyond, to accept unacceptable treatment from others, while trying to meet a need.

There is a strong pressure many of us face as we try to be nice, sweet, and polite.

Being those things often are a disservice to us; those things are even harmful to us.

We people-please, often doing things against our will and preferences, while placing our personal well-being and health at risk.

It’s peer pressure. But it doesn’t have an expiration date to it, simply because we have grown past adolescence.

Nevertheless, it is pressure from someone else, who usually doesn’t have our best interest at heart.

What often adds further complication and pressure for us is that these people may be someone we love. A romantic relationship. Family. These are just a couple of examples.

Expectations: Unrealistic?

However, it is here that we find ourselves bumping into the expectation issue.

Yes, we can understand others’ expectations of us. They want to be pleased, obeyed, and prioritized.

Those expectations can strongly influence us, to our detriment.

Furthermore, these expectations don’t accurately depict what is our responsibility. We can believe that we need to take on things that are other peoples’ issues, not ours. Our unrealistic expectations, therefore, can distort what, exactly is graciousness for us… and what is not.

Next, Make Believe (Be Gracious).

This inaccurate definition and pressure of being gracious, in all its dysfunction, can, therefore, set the stage for an additional complicated element to our sense of responsibility…

We can resort to magical thinking.

This can often show up as assertions like, “If I am really kind to them, and do this thing for them, they will return the favor and be kind back to me.”

The Golden Rule.

“Do unto others…”

Expectations: Unrealistic?

We believe that by “doing unto others,” a/k/a, “being nice/gracious,” we can make things be how we want them to be. We just need to be “nice enough.”

That is the answer.

Sowing and reaping. Karma. Faith in “one good turn deserves another.”

We hold tight to this ideal concept.

And, while it is noble in theory, realistically, it is not honored and implemented nearly as often as it should be.

Some people do not hold this sentiment in the same high esteem as we do. Some people aren’t aware of it. Some people don’t feel any need to behave in a way that exemplifies it.

And depending how strong our sense of optimism and hope may be, we can find ourselves waiting, seemingly, indefinitely, for their reciprocity.

We may be waiting a long time, if not forever, for that to happen.

Still, even presented with this reality, how many of us respond by doubling down on the giving “nice” principle?

“Be nice-er.” (Be More Gracious).

Yep, somehow, we can decide to go still further.

Just keep trying, and trying, and then, trying some more until we’re out of breath and anemic.

There is not a limit on our efforts; we feel the pressure to “do more.”

And it’s a bottomless pit. Because we can always “be nicer,” right?

Expectations: Unrealistic?

But everyone has limits.

Financial, physical, legal, emotional, mental, and spiritual limits.

The unrealistic argument that appears to get lodged in our brains, however, is that we can still do more. We can still give more. We can, still “be nicer.”

More “gracious.”

A toxic component to that belief system is that we should be all those things, along with the mandate of our ability to continue with those actions.

And, yes, how many of us are still holding on to the wishful thinking that, surely, if we do more, somehow “they” will appreciate it and respond to us with the same behaviors?

They will pay us back. They will rescue us. They will be our friends with us. They will love us.

Sadly, despite that, again, being a lovely, idealistic theory, its reality can be a gamble, at best.

It may never occur to some peoples’ minds to acknowledge or to repay a kindness or a favor.

Yes, ignorance is a possibility, even while it’s not an appropriate excuse.

If someone loves us, there should be consideration of our needs, situations, and of the shared relationship with have with them.

But some people didn’t get that memo.

And then, there are some people that simply don’t care.

That’s a punch to the gut to entertain that unflattering reality.

Yet it exists, all the same.

Some people are “takers.” And that is all they are. They look for opportunities to take advantage of other people.

Some people, emotionally, mentally, and yes, financially, are not capable of returning the favors and the kindnesses extended to them in good faith.

And some of these people, furthermore, are also unwilling to do so.

More punches to the gut.

Yet, it is here where we are afforded the opportunity to respond in a healthy manner…

Finally, Reality (Be Gracious).

This is an ongoing lesson for many of us; we are on its spectrum.

But this is the healthier, more accurate assessment of what is really going on.

It requires our involvement, questioning their role… and our role in these circumstances.

What is the reality here?

Not what we would like it to be, hope it will turn into, or try to manipulate into being.

What is it, right now?

Their and Our Expectations: Unrealistic or Realistic?

We need to assess the concept of expectations, within the context of graciousness.

It is not for the faint of heart.

However, if we’re brave and willing to look at these things, we can experience a healthier perspective and outcome.

We need to look at the people in our lives.

Who are they?

Family? Friends? Coworkers? Bosses? Some powerful institution?

The individuals who are in our lives influence proximity’s power, and any potential entitlement they presume and ask of that proximity.

What do they feel they are entitled to?

Our time? Our money? Our help? Our unconditional love?

What has led them to that conclusion?

Here is where we start looking at what kind of person they are.

Are they addicts? Users? Immature? Manipulative individuals?

Are they entitled individuals and abusers of their power?

These are some of the possible explanations to explain who we are dealing with.

But it doesn’t stop here.

Yes, they may show up as these potential things.

But why do they ask us for help or favors?

Are we convenient? Are we always there? Do we struggle with appropriate boundaries? Do we have poor self-esteem? Do we always say, “yes?” Do we feel guilty?

These are some of the questions we need to ask ourselves. And these questions, and their answers, shift the focus from them to us.

Yes, they may believe and act on certain beliefs and behaviors, but we also participate in these things, either passively or actively.

This is not about victim blaming.

Rather, it is about deeply examining the definitions and the requirements of graciousness and expectations.

What are they?

Who believes and practices what, as everyone involved deals with graciousness, and the expectations that come with that definition?

Gracious… Or Fake?

Does graciousness invalidate authenticity?

Not necessarily.

Graciousness and people pleasing are two different things. This can often be the first radical shift of thinking on our part.

They are not the same thing.

REPEAT: THEY ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

Many of us, however, believe that they are.

Their and Our Expectations: Unrealistic or Realistic?

We believe that we cannot be gracious without being people pleasers.

But graciousness is not solely dependent upon pleasing others. Graciousness is more about holding ourselves to a standard of quiet dignity and self-respect.

And yes, that involves compassion.

But many of us also have an inaccurate definition of compassion.

Many of us equate compassion with “doormat.”

That’s not flattering. Nevertheless, we, somehow, believe that we can never “say no.”

“Doormat.”

But we can be compassionate without being the rescuer or “the sucker.”

There’s a term: “idiot compassion.”

Buddhist nun, Pema Chödrön coined this term, referring to when a person tries to help a someone who is dysfunctional, and not receptive to making lasting progress or changes. This can be, for instance, an addict who is not interested in getting help for recovery, only in getting help, via enabling of their addiction.

It’s repetitive and exhausting to help someone who is not working towards better choices.

Many of us can get stuck trying to help, trying to rescue, in these instances.

We embody “the doormat.”

We may believe that we’re being compassionate and “gracious,” but it’s not helpful. In fact, it can be harmful, especially to us.

How much time, energy, money, resources, and emotional investment do we pour into them?

We can be gracious, while possessing our boundaries and limits.

That’s part of the ongoing work we need to practice.

Likewise, knowledge of ourselves, our capacity, boundaries and limits included, also needs to be put into practice by us.

Gracious… Or Self-Knowledge?

Again, it’s not one or the other. Both can coexist at the same time.

We can see that there is a crisis, but is it always our job to tend to that crisis?

We are not the sole emergency person out there.

Some situations are beyond our intervention.

And that’s okay.

Their and Our Expectations: Unrealistic or Realistic?

That’s part of self-knowledge. Challenge thoughts and expectations. Not everything hinges on us.

Specialists, including paramedics, doctors, mental health experts, therapists, social workers, and addiction counselors, are all examples of other, more helpful people to turn to.

It’s not about passing the buck or shirking responsibility.

Rather, it is about accurately assessing what is gracious, and how, yes, even our graciousness can be exploited and weaponized against us.

Who else can help them if we cannot? There is someone else, besides us, out there.

Our response, underscoring that belief and behavior, is a response.

And not surprisingly, that response can be challenged by others, who were expecting something else from us.

The Gracious Response.

Here, we are faced with the reality of response.

Take, for example, the neutral response, maybe, complete with a displeasing no to someone’s request.

When we say this, we are calm and polite. When we say this, we also know this person is not happy with us.

Maybe they are even hostile.

They push back against our response. They expected another answer/action out of us.

If we decide, to hold to our response, and display a flat effect, we may respond by saying, “Okay.”

(We may even politely smile. But we don’t cave).

What then happens in this situation? Well, perhaps…

After the polite smile/no combo, they get more agitated and irritated.

Maybe they officially flip out.

It can often be here that they personally attack us, and name-call us. They may try guilt and intimidation, trying to change “no” to “yes.”

It’s a fun time, for sure, isn’t it?

The common theme, however, is how they do not accept our answer. They want what they want and will keep trying unpleasant and abusive tactics to get it from us.

Their opinion, because they aren’t getting what they want from us easily, is that we are NOT being “gracious.”

Furthermore, their opinion of us is that our response is not a realistic nor a healthy response of appropriate boundaries.

Instead, in their minds, we are “unreasonable.”

“Mean.”

“Unloving.”

And any epithet under the sun. Use your cuss word imagination here.

But let’s return to a reality check.

We are being gracious, even though the other person is not getting what they wanted from us.

Graciousness and being realistic, for that matter, have less to do with their response, and more to do with ours.

When we are aware of and respond accordingly, we harness not just our reaction, but our power as well.

People pleasing does not equal graciousness.

And, if we pursue that faulty definition, this people pleasing version of “graciousness” does not equal our worth and value.

Others, still, will make it their mission to convince us otherwise.

Gracious and Realistic.

What can we expect from a situation, with or without other people?

And, more importantly, perhaps, what can we expect from ourselves?

It can often come down to this statement…

“This situation is unhealthy-insane-disordered. Results may vary.”

Can we honestly look at, question, and answer what are those unhealthy-insane-disordered factors?

Can we see that these conditions are not, therefore, the final authority on graciousness and realistic expectations?

More to the point, it is not our responsibility to fulfill these unhealthy, insane, and disordered expectations.

That’s the realistic take we need to embrace.

Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse