A Wall or a Door?
“Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is.”
Mark Groves
Walls: All or Nothing?
It’s unsafe; we feel unsafe. Probably, because we are subject to unsafety.
Lack and scarcity. Abusive dynamics normalized. Rejection, and an absence of healthy love.
No discernment. Permissiveness. Behavior.
Part of that includes silence and secrecy.
We are starving. So, we take any crumbs offered.
That promotes abuse and unhealthy behavior.
Walls can be an extreme barrier.
Yes, walls can keep everyone out. And they do. But unfortunately, in our abusive personal history, walls can also keep everyone IN.
We can be trapped WITH them. All or nothing.
Distorted, warped, unhealthy.
Walls, so…
Keep out!
Or…
Let someone in.
(Someone harmful, dangerous, toxic, unhealthy, etc.)
We need a door for that.
Doors: Boundaries are the Doorknob.
Now, we are at the hard work of boundaries.
Access. Entrance. Intimacy. Behavior.
And one more thing… Requirement.
That involves teaching.
It’s not about unearned unconditional love. We require more.
Discretion. Self-respect. Self-knowledge.
We know who we are. We know what is and is not a dealbreaker.
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse
Teaching the Dangerous Diet?
Disordered image issues have been with me since my childhood. But I wasn’t the only one engaging in the mindsets.
When I was in fifth grade, during recess, my third grade teacher struck up a conversation with me. We had just returned from summer vacation and, as children are prone to do, I had changed. Perhaps it was a growth spurt. Regardless, my third grade teacher remarked, “Sheryle, you’ve slimmed down. Are you dieting?”
I was shocked by the question…and flattered.
By this time, I’d already started my dieting and self-rejection behaviors. I knew something was “wrong” with me as long as I was overweight. But hearing the validation from an adult, from one of my teachers, no less, gave it extra firepower. Now it had credence beyond my mother or miscellaneous family members who made comments about my overweight body. This feedback was from an objective “outsider,” after all. And she was an expert on children, a teacher. So, it must be true, right?
Autumn is typically when kids are starting new school years. Whether it’s elementary, high school or college, young people often return to classes having undergone some kind of change or growth spurt. And yes, there may be some startling transformations.
As someone in recovery, I get quite uneasy as people make comments about physical appearance. It’s tough enough as an adult. But I get extremely nervous when an adult makes a comment about a child’s weight. Whether it’s an insult, a warning or high praise, there’s still danger at the mention of the issue.
Kids do learn their value systems from the adults surrounding them. Family poses its own challenges, with their image estimations. Authority figures, like teachers and clergy, likewise, teach powerful lessons on what is valuable, worth rejecting and “right.” Never underestimate the power of those words/life lessons.
“I think....you still have no idea. The effect you can have.”
Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay
And so, I’m including some pointers concerning children and their appearance.
1) Don’t comment on a child’s physical appearance. There’s no setting in which it’s appropriate. Kids need to be kids, free from the importance of a thin appearance.
2) Don’t criticize an overweight physical stature. You’re not an expert; you’re not a doctor. If there’s a legitimate health concern, deal with it in a health context, not in the context of your personal appearance opinions.
3) Don’t recommend dieting. Again, if there’s a legitimate health issue, work with trained doctors, nutritionists and therapists to resolve it. But believing your own “fix it” plan of placing a child on a diet may do more harm than good. You could be setting that child up for a lifetime of negative self-esteem and body image issues.
4) Don’t praise the child for a thinner body; don’t compare the child with another child’s physique. Again, this is unhealthy. You’re sending a toxic message that the child is inferior and will not be “okay” unless and until he/she whittles down to the particular desired weight.
5) DO validate the child, as is. Let him/her know there’s nothing which can add or detract from their lovability, value and uniqueness. The child is wonderful as is. Period. Therefore, teach this truth to your child as soon as he/she is old enough to understand. For example…
“God saw all that he had made, and it was very good…”
Genesis 1:31
“A beautiful person is not defined by a hair style, a pair of shoes, it’s not the logos on the T-shirt, the sport’s team on a hat, the designer’s name on a hand bag, or even how you smell.
Instead, beauty lies in who you are when no one is watching, the person you are when there’s nothing to hide behind. No amount of concealer can cover up a cantankerous heart, but all the make-up in the world can’t add a single lumen to the brightness of a beautiful soul.”
Justin Young
“You possess a great soul, awaken the spirit.”
Lailah Gifty Akita
You may think I’m overreacting, but believe me, one never knows who will respond to image comments through a dangerous eating disorder. Certain comments can be the triggering factor which launches a particular child into anorexia, bulimia, self-hatred and suicidal tendencies.
Disordered body and eating issues are complex and tough enough to navigate in our distorted image culture today as adults. But children are vulnerable innocents. And so, we do need everything in our arsenal to equip them with a healthy sense of sense, as well as healthy lifestyle habits.
We are teaching them something. May none of us, then, teach them the prisons of life-threatening and soul- shattering disorder.
They deserve to never learn that lesson!
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse
Throwback: Patience and Wisdom... Or the Skunk?
Recently, I saw an image of a skunk eating from a dog’s food bowl, while the poor canine sat there, fully aware of the situation. The caption read as follows:
“Two of the greatest qualities of life are patience and wisdom.”
Amen.
Indeed, when I was a little girl, our dog, Princess had an encounter of this concept, with unpleasant results. Being half terrier, Princess loved chasing critters. She’d bring a dead woodchuck or squirrel to our front door many times. And yes, she was also thoroughly engaged in pursuing skunks which occasionally scampered across our farm. Bad idea.
So, we all know what happened next. (“Mom, get the tomato juice…again!”)
As much as we’d like to think we’re smarter than a dog tangled with a smelly skunk, we, unfortunately, still often wrestle with the patience and wisdom thing, don’t we? Impatience, instant gratification drives, unmet need perceptions and shortsightedness are just a few demanding lures which spur us on to our own individual skunk encounters of relapse and self-destruction.
But, c’mon, it’s more tantalizing and supposedly “easier” to get in there with our own way of doing things, right?
We’re in control…
We have a handle on it…
We won’t go “too far…”
(“Mom, please get the tomato juice… again.”)
Scripture cautions our independent, bright idea sort of thinking…
“There is a way that seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death.”
Proverbs 14:12
Debby downer stuff, yes, but, again, we need these refresher courses, because, well, we have a tendency to get into all kinds of messy trouble. Have you met the human race? Yeah.
So, patience and wisdom are two guard rails to our lives.
“In your patience possess ye your souls.”
Luke 21:19
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”
James 1:5
They show up frequently in the Twelve Steps:
We admitted we were powerless over a substance or behavior - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
So, it would be great to embrace those helpful aids, right? Why don’t we give them some great big hugs?
Once again…
“There is a way that seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death.”
Proverbs 14:12
And maybe that little nugget of wrong perception spurs us to create our own set of Twelve “Fun” Steps instead. So, we reason…
We admit we are powerful over any substance or behavior – we can, indeed, manage very well, thank you.
We came to believe we are God (this is an effective one); we are the ultimate center of the universe.
We made a decision to turn to our every whim and want as the final authority; we justify everything we do because, dagnabbit, we’re worth it!
We don’t need to explain anything to anyone. If people don’t get us, well, that’s THEIR problem, not ours.
We have nothing to be sorry about; we absolutely great. We owe no one ANY explanations or apologies.
We want absolutely no one, including God, to intervene in our choices and lives; we don’t want to change anything!
We get an attitude, we revel in our defensiveness. Yes, we know what’s best. Leave us alone.
We never need to face who we’ve hurt and wronged; we never need to be accountable to anyone. They just need to get over it already.
We owe no one any explanations. It’s our lives, after all. We’re too important to stop moving.
We never apologize or admit we’re wrong. That’s a sign of weakness. We’re not weak; we’re invincible!
We just need to seek out what gratifies us, never mind God, other people or “un-fun” things. Let’s have a good time instead.
We want to be numb, pain free and happy at all costs. Our pleasure is the most important thing in life. If it doesn’t make us happy, we don’t do it.
Now, looking at these gems, raging, screaming narcissism, selfishness and arrogance just leap out, right? It looks ridiculous, like a toddler, throwing a temper tantrum on the floor.
But that’s exactly what our human nature, left unchecked, seems to be. Without patience and wisdom, we’re tangling with a whole variety of skunks- and we WILL pay the price for that entanglement.
Yes, it’d be much more fun to do whatever we feel like doing whenever and however we feel like doing it. It’d be great to have absolutely EVERYTHING we want when we want it. Patience and wisdom are not exactly “party words.” But, as we grapple with self-control, addiction, recovery, health and maturity, we need to keep one important thing in mind: God’s promise.
“For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.”
Hebrews 10:36
No, it’s not just about avoiding the bad consequences; it’s about opening ourselves up to the GOOD ones as well. There is a payoff for practicing patience and wisdom. There are rewards.
Good health, an effective recovery program, a happy family, fulfilling relationships, peace, love and a real relationship with God are some of those rewards. However they don’t “just happen.” They take work; they take patience and wisdom.
Again, we need that refresher course as each of us encounters a myriad of skunk opportunities. Mr. Stinky’s in your field of vision. Patience and wisdom are too. What will you choose to do?
Copyright © 2014 by Sheryle Cruse
Throwback: The 4-H’s
As a farm kid, I participated in the 4-H Club. Perhaps best known for its clover logo, exhibiting apples pies and livestock at the yearly county fair (I did neither), it also has its own pledge:
“I pledge my head to clearer thinking, my heart to greater loyalty, my hands to larger service, my health to better living, for my club, my community, my country and my world.”
Sure, no problem.
I know it was the aspirational goal to impact young people and steer them to wholesome and successful life pathways. As a kid, however, I viewed it at something I had to recite before any club function. Certainly, I wasn’t analyzing it for profound significance.
But, as an adult, I now reflect on those words, especially in the context of recovery. To me, this pledge addresses the stewardship principle. And that corresponds to the “H’s” in our lives.
“I pledge my head to clearer thinking...”
All right, I know it’s a tall order. Back then, as a kid, I didn’t understand the power of my thoughts. And certainly, I didn’t heed the caution.
So, enter addictions and disorders. I won a blue ribbon in this category, believe me. Disordered eating and body image thoughts were running amuck, culminating into full-blown anorexia, bulimia and binge eating. I didn’t think about myself correctly. I saw a hippo when I was emaciated and, no matter where I was on the scale, I only viewed a worthless, ugly and unlovable creature.
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...”
Proverbs 23:7
Yes, I pledged my head, but it was to disorder, self-hatred and death.
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.”
Proverbs 18:21
Not the first person to do this. Unfortunately, I won’t be the last either.
And how many of us who struggle with addictions and disorders thoroughly pledge our minds to despair, disease and self-destruction? We may believe the lie the addiction/disorder is our answer, ridding us of pain and trauma. We may believe we’re beyond hope and pointless. No matter what it is, we, if left to our own devices, often go down some worst case scenario paths, eventually leading to some kind of death and destruction.
This is not what God wants for us.
This, instead, is:
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
Jeremiah 29:11
But learning, pledging and living that? Well, that takes work, time, process and a shift in our thinking...
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
Romans 12:2
Still, the head is just the starting place, isn’t it? Next, we move on...
“I pledge...my heart to greater loyalty...”
Now we try to take on this? Again, we’re back to Proverbs 23:7:
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...”
Yay. Heart and mind go together; it’s more great news. Whether or not we are a 4-H club member, each of us pledges our hearts to something.
“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”
Proverbs 4:23
It’s usually out of a desire to rid ourselves of pain, discontent and unmet need. For many of us, unfortunately, that includes addictions, disorders and compulsions. Once we’ve been caught in these complicated webs, the question becomes how to extricate ourselves from them.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Psalms 139:23-24
And, for a lot of us, that’s usually where the Twelve Steps come in. You know, little things like admitting and facing truth, ourselves, what we’ve done and who’s been hurt in the process. Fun stuff, but necessary stuff, nonetheless.
It’s not the instant cure we’d prefer; it’s the tedious, painful and often ugly process. Our unhealthy heart pledge got us in the messes of our lives. Now, perhaps, a heart pledge, made imperfectly, yet sincerely, to God can get us out of the life pits we’re in.
But that requires some work. And that brings us to our next “H.”
“I pledge...my hands to larger service...”
Let’s face it, most of us have not exactly done well here. We have the wrong estimation of service and of stewardship. And hands are largely about stewardship.
“...From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”
Luke 12:48
When I was a kid in 4-H, the emphasis was on doing things for the blue ribbon or whatever other dangled award was in front of me at the time. It was not about service for service’s sake. I know. Little old me, reciting that pledge, supposedly committing my hands for altruism, was thinking about how to win the entire time.
Nice. It was me, me, me.
And how that relates to addiction/recovery issues involves the matter of perspective. What is it? Where is it is? Addictive and compulsive reactions have this in common; they’re completely focused on self, at the expense of others. We are engrossed in our drug of choice to the detriment of our families, our marriages, our friendships and anyone other than ourselves. Addictions, compulsions and disorders have selfishness built into them. It’s not about condemning those who struggles with them. It is, however, about shedding light on the selfish component driving the bus. We’ve committed our actions, our hands, to the wrong thing. And God, as usual, has a better, higher plan for those hands:
“Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.”
Psalms 37:5
If we can just remember it’s not solely about us and our challenges, no matter how difficult they may be. Someone has it worse. We can choose to use our hands to improve their circumstances. And, in the process, discover some health and healing for ourselves.
And that brings us to the fourth hand, health...
“I pledge...my health to better living...”
I don’t believe any of us intentionally start down the addiction road setting out to destroy our health. But, unfortunately, that’s part of the package. Addiction destroys the quality of our lives: our emotional, physical and spiritual health. Part of why that happens is due to the fact we pledge our health to something destructive.
“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”
We don’t value ourselves all the while, simultaneously believing pain relief will come from our chosen object of desire. So, we pursue it, convinced our souls’ medicine is found in our addictions and vices.
And God? Where is He in this?
He’s usually ignored, forgotten and forsaken. After all, somehow, we’ve determined we’ve already found our answer. Through our own self-medication, just like the devil’s description, the addiction “thief,” likewise, destroys.
“The thief only comes to steal, kill, and destroy...”
John 10:10
That includes our health.
Yet scripture also tells us God is our Source of health, healing, recovery and a better life.
“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.”
Psalms 42:11
“For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the LORD...”
Jeremiah 30:17
“...I have come so they may have life—and have it abundantly.”
John 10:10
It’s not found in a bottle, in a pill, in food, relationships or in any other self-medicating behavior.
Therefore, for those of us in recovery, the steps toward health acknowledge our need to look to something larger than ourselves and our own devices. For example...
We admitted we were powerless over a substance or behavior - that our lives had become unmanageable.
We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Those steps are, indeed, found within the 4 “H’s.” It’s not about being a farm kid, going to the fair or winning a blue ribbon. It’s about honoring the significance of our heads, our hearts, our hands and our health. Each “H” is affected by addiction; each “H” is impacted by recovery should we make that choice for our lives.
In the end, it’s up to us. What will we choose? What will we pledge?
Copyright © 2014 by Sheryle Cruse
“Mind Your Bedside Manners!”
“Mind Your Bedside Manners!” Red Rose Thorns Magazine, Rebellion/Conformity Issue 3, August 2024
My Cancer Care Cats
Cats, by nature, think and feel in a cat-centric way, quite contrary to how people express who they are, and yes, how they love. And, while they don’t display our human version of love, they still have the capacity to connect with us, to bond with us. Yeah, maybe that’s it. Cats may not love as we love, but they do bond with us. Breast cancer has showed me that.
At the time of my diagnosis, my husband and I had two cats, Gracie and Glory. Adopted from a shelter, years earlier, we had some on-the-job training with them, a heavy dose in dealing with the Calico strain of cat. Calicos have the reputation for being difficult, “feisty.” High-strung.
Our Glory is a traditional Calico, possessing the tri-colored coat of white, black and orange. Personality-wise, I liken her to that of Joan Jett in demeanor. Get the picture?
Gracie is known as a Diluted Calico, or “Tortie.” That means that her tri-color coat is muted. To use fashion terms, if Glory was coloring blocking, then Gracie was pastels. She had this grey/lavender quality to her fur, with swirls of peach highlights blended in. Temperament-wise, Gracie was friendlier. More curious. Playful. She cuddled with me more than Glory. How much of that was her personality and how much of that was her Skinny Minnie body, craving heat sources anywhere she could get them, I cannot say for sure.
Once I was diagnosed with Breast cancer, our cats’ behaviors shifted. Glory, already gun-shy in nature, became increasingly more withdrawn.
Gracie, however, glommed onto me. My stress levels were high while I was going through testing and treatment. By the time I had my bilateral mastectomy, she made it her mission to “pin” me as much as she could while I was recovering. Once I made it to the couch, it was a matter of minutes before I felt her tiny feet stepping on me and “kneading.”
(For those of you not in the know, “kneading” is a common cat behavior, exhibited by kittens “milk treading” their mothers; they would purr, knead and express contentment as they nursed, conveying to Mama Cat, “I’m getting my needs met.” Animal experts regard this behavior as a kind of nostalgia, hearkening back to those kitten times. Cats don’t outgrow this behavior and will knead all of their adult lives).
Gracie, initially, tried to sit directly onto my bandaged chest, a definite, off-limits area of my body now. And I was especially anxious that she’d view my grenade-looking drains, attached to me in a sci-fi way, as her cat toys.
As I was sequestered to the couch, Gracie kept veering toward my chest. I’d move her to my legs or lift her, as much as my weak T-Rex arms could lift, onto the top of the couch.
Once, from that position, she decided to jump to the floor, using my chest as her diving board.
Ye-o-w-w-w-uch.
Eventually, and I do say eventually, the two of us “negotiated” her sitting on top of my legs. She’d jump up, do a few clockwise turns, kneading and adjusting a comfy nook to her specifications, purring. She’d pin me all night and/or for as long as she could. It was uncomfortable, yes. My legs often fell asleep. But, hey, at least my chest was uninhabited.
And, when I was not connected to the couch, her whole modus operandi was to pin me back onto it. She followed me everywhere.
This continued with my course of radiation. Now, things intensified. Here, she became my “Radiation Buddy.” Gracie was obsessed with sticking close to me. During my 30-day treatment, I’d lie down and rest as long as I could until my appointment. She’d park herself on my legs, purring, sleeping, or watching me closely to make sure I stayed put. When I had to go to my appointment, she anxiously followed me around. It’s like she knew I was leaving and she absolutely hated that fact. A few times, I heard her crying three flights down, once I left our apartment. That broke my heart. When I returned from each radiation session, she was miffed, but still ever-focused on making sure I’m pinned again. She was happiest when I was immobilized and she could see I was doing nothing but lying on the couch, under her, for hours.
I was concerned with Gracie’s behavior. So much so, I called our vet. She had nothing definitive, other than, “she wants to protect you.”
Yeah, I realize that. But why?
Finally, I asked my radiation nurse, who told me I was emitting a stress hormone during radiation.
So, that’s what it was, a stress hormone?
I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t shut off my stress hormone and how I was emitting it. I cuddled with Gracie, spoke lovingly to her and gave her extra treats. She still seemed clingy. She wanted to be near or on top of me all of the time. I didn’t know what to do about that.
Gracie behaved like this until a few months later. She started vomiting grey pools of liquid and was lethargic. After numerous vet visits, we placed her on a regimen of antibiotics, steroids and painkillers and kept at it for a month. She was struggling, in pain. She’d often wake me up, screaming her terrified feline scream, with wild eyes, desperate for relief. She kept me up all night, night after night, acting this way. It was agony. Gracie wasn’t getting better, despite efforts, medicine, prayers. My little radiation buddy. It wasn’t working. No, not now. Why now? But there is never a good time to lose someone you love.
My husband and I contacted an in-home euthanasia service and, on one painful Saturday morning, we said good bye. Devastation.
Losing Gracie was worse than losing my breasts. I would rather have her back than those body parts.
Grieving her over a year later has been transition for us. Grief has shifted things, especially with Glory. Now, she has taken over from Gracie’s duty. She’s surprised us. Again, she’s Joan Jett, not a cuddle baby. But cuddling, pinning and obsessing about me is what she’s doing these days. And, like Gracie, I worry if I’m stressing her out. Quite frankly, I wonder if her reactions concerning my cancer situation could kill her.
Still, now, Glory is teaching me about self-care, as I’m currently in “survivorship.” She regularly commandeers my lap, demanding I rest. Pet her. Be present. No, I don’t need to do anything else right now. Just be. She cuddles with me, at least, until she believes I’m well rested enough. Every day. She often sits on me while I write, with her head draped over my left arm. This is the same cat, who has been so fearful, so withdrawn, so hostile, that, during her checkups, she has drawn blood from vet techs, veterinarians, my husband and me. She becomes a Hell cat. She refuses to be messed with.
So, her cuddlier, softer moments are unhinging. Why is she like this? Just Narcissistic, mercenary, self-interested, feline behavior… or is it something else? Does she know something? Can she sense my physical condition? Can she smell cancer? Does she know I’m dying? Is she frightened for me?
Or, does she “love” me? We are bonded, perhaps, trauma bonded, but bonded, all the same.
Glory is teaching me about self-care during this post-diagnosis era. Breast cancer got my attention. I can no longer ignore my life. Glory is instructing me about how to be ferocious about it. I am to be ruthless. I am to swipe claws if I need to. I’m to take care of myself with no apologies. It is that important.
The bond we have with animals can be life-giving, life sustaining. Cliché stuff remains true: comfort, support, companionship. I firmly believe there is a depth of purpose to each of us, pets included, confounding explanation.
As I make my way through this cancer experience, I have discovered Gracie and Glory are, indeed, those confounding- and wonderful- beings.
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse