From a great article about Narcissistic Moms…
12 Key Phrases Narcissistic Mothers Say and How To Respond To Them (msn.com)
Things Narcissistic Mothers Say
If you’re not sure whether or not your mother is a narcissist, or simply want clarity on which parts of her parenting were informed by narcissism, Niloufar Esmaeilpour of Lotus Therapy and Counselling Centre offers some helpful insight into some of the key phrases to look out for:
“You exist to fulfill my needs.” Narcissistic mothers often view their children as extensions of themselves and may expect their children to meet their emotional needs and desires.
“I’m always right, and you’re always wrong.” They may belittle their children’s opinions and dismiss their feelings, making the child doubt their own judgment and self-worth.
“You’re not good enough.” Narcissistic mothers may constantly criticize and undermine their child’s self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy.
“You’re so lucky to have me as your parent.” They may use guilt or manipulation to control their child’s behavior and make them feel indebted for their care.
“I sacrifice so much for you.” They may use their sacrifices, real or perceived, to guilt-trip their children into compliance.
“You’re the problem, not me.” Narcissistic mothers often deflect blame onto their children, making them feel responsible for any issues in the family.
“You should be grateful for everything I do for you.” They may use their acts of kindness or generosity as leverage to maintain control over their child.
It’s important not to nurture any of the beliefs these kinds of statements may plant into your subconscious. Other common sentiments said by narcissist mothers include:
“I know you better than you know yourself.”
“Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”
“You owe me for everything I’ve done for you.”
“I did everything for you and this is how you repay me? “
“You’re being too dramatic, it wasn’t that bad.”
Addiction’s Perceptions
Do you see the bunny? Or do you see the duck?
We’ve come across these types of “trick images” before.
Perception plays a huge starring role in addiction. Each of us is a being which is capable of believing harmful “imaginations.” Full-blown addiction doesn’t happen overnight. It is built, thought by thought, experience by experience, perception by perception.
“I can do this.”
First, there is the Genesis; it begins by that contact moment. We encounter that “thing” which rapidly gets out of our control.
But, in its first form, it often didn’t start out that way. It may have appeared appealing and harmless. That “first” drink, snort, binge, diet, gamble or adrenalized behavior promises us it is “manageable.” Somehow, even if we know or see others struggle and bottom out with the addiction, we believe we are different. We can handle it.
Following this line of thinking, we are poised for destruction.
“Lest he should fall...”
Yet, we don’t see it as such because we are lulled into a false sense of security.
Again, often that first contact with our addiction usually doesn’t create the worst- case scenario bottom. We can get drunk and the destruction doesn’t automatically happen. We can get high and the destruction doesn’t automatically happen. We can starve, binge and purge and the destruction doesn’t automatically happen. We engage in the extreme and the destruction doesn’t automatically happen.
But just because we lucked out once- or even repeatedly- doesn’t guarantee this will always be the result we experience.
“Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.”
1 Corinthians 10:12
For we’ve only been blessed, protected and fortunate. And that is not our doing. It is not our arrogant reasoning keeping us safe...
“I’m invincible.”
“Human pride will be humbled, and human arrogance will be brought down...”
Isaiah 2:17
Addiction’s perception can convince us we’re in control of our lives. Therefore, if we are IN this control, we can operate in our self-appointed God status. And that’s the problem.
Addiction is a god. And we can easily come under its seduction. The idol lies to us, reassuring us we are, in fact, all-powerful.
We can go along believing that theory. Perhaps we’ve even had experiences which seem to underscore it as truth. But eventually, we trip and discover our fall...
“Falling short...”
“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”
Romans 3:23
Humility and sobriety are intertwined. One cannot exist without the other. Romans 3 is not about humiliating groveling. It is about realistic AWARENESS. Awareness is not debilitating fear. It’s acknowledgment we have limits. But addiction insists otherwise.
Addiction is never full; it never has “enough.”
And so, the next tricky addiction perception we can fall into asserts another dangerous lie, screaming deprivation.
“I’m hopeless.”
Feeling deprived, incorporating such feelings as loneliness, delayed gratification, facing truth and physical/mental/emotional withdrawal, we arrive at this conclusion which, not surprisingly, urges us to use our addiction as that much-needed pain reliever.
We are hurting and joyless. What’s the point in living?
“A Bruised Reed”
But, even in this seemingly forlorn state, we underestimate Divine Mercy.
“A bruised reed shall he not break, and smoking flax shall he not quench, till he send forth judgment unto victory.”
Matthew 12:20
Right where we are, in whatever messed up condition we are in, Matthew 12 reminds us of one important thing: it is not over. Addiction loves to convince us there is nothing good ahead. It spotlights death and pointlessness.
And it sets us up for another unrealistic lie:
“I should be cured already.”
But, deep down we all know it’s more complicated than instantaneous healing. Piggybacking Matthew 12’s description of the bruised reed, we need to take that into account when it comes to our addiction and recovery. The bruise is a wound under the surface.
“The Heart Knows Its Own Bitterness.”
Likewise, trauma and difficult issues are often hidden from view.
“The heart knoweth his own bitterness; and a stranger doth not intermeddle with his joy.”
Proverbs 14:10
It takes diligent work; it takes uncovering. It takes our vested interest in our transparent recovery.
We cannot mistake the supernatural for the unrealistic.
That may contradict the faith stance. After all, doesn’t the supernatural defy our everyday circumstances?
Yes, it can. But it still doesn’t change or replace the necessary work we need to do. There’s a saying within the faith community: “don’t lose your healing.”
It’s common sense. If we are doing something harmful, if we get a reprieve, a merciful rescue or a clean bill of health, those realities do not grant us license to return to destruction and expect to still have a healthy outcome.
“Let all things be done decently and in order.”
1 Corinthians 14:40
The Most High will do many things for us. But if we want to overburden the concept of “miracle,” we are gambling and should not expect carte blanche concerning what we now know to be wrong.
Our perceptions, no matter how appealing, will not undo this spiritual theory of gravity. We can choose to jump from a skyscraper. It won’t change the consequence we will be pulled down by natural gravitational forces.
We have to humbly become aware of our perceptions. We are not too clever to avoid being misled by them.
And, if we look at how our perceptions can lead us into dangerous waters, we must also see the other side of that coin as well.
Our perceptions- or, more specifically, the stubbornness concerning our perceptions- may hinder us. Where’s the good news in that concept?
Well, if we’re humble and willing to face and change things, imagine what power resides in a different choice and a different behavior. Imagine the power which comes from a different perception (Isaiah 55:8-9).
There is more than one side to the story. And that, perhaps, is one of the greatest challenges to the addict’s beloved addiction.
“For now we see through a glass, darkly...”
1 Corinthians 13:12
There’s a better, a different way. How are we willing to see things?
Is our perception serving us well? Or is there something else beyond our finite sight and selves?
I think it’s worth it to say yes.
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse
On Being Visitor Friendly…
There is a widespread trend going on within the Christian Church; it’s called “visitor friendly.” The focus is to not be intimidating, in any way, to the non-churchgoer.
So, often times, churches have taken on a more secular attitude and appearance. Gone are the traditional hymns; in their place is a laser and light show resembling a rock concert. Instead of choir robes, there are the latest hipster fashions of skinny jeans, porkpie hats and more casual attire worn by the worship team. And the Gospel message is often at its rudimentary basics: God loves you; He sent Jesus to die for you.
Most people think because of my Christian perspective on recovery, addiction and abuse issues, I was staunchly raised within the church. Not true. I was once one of those unchurched.
That’s not to say that, as a child, I knew nothing of faith. I had a Christian mother, who did her best to teach me the core principles of Christianity; most of the emphasis was on Jesus. But, because of my abusive home life, Mom and I were forbidden from joining a church. Eventually, solely for the purpose of being confirmed in my family’s denomination, I was allowed to join one in our small town. But it had more to do with avoiding the wagging tongue gossip of being the only child not getting with the usual confirmation program. There was no thought given to the spiritual importance of belonging to a Godly community.
So, until my adolescent confirmation years, most of my church experiences consisted of being an occasional “visitor.” Sporadic Sundays, spent attending various churches, piqued my curiosity while simultaneously pointing out how different I was from everyone else. To me, “visitor” meant “misfit.” Not exactly inviting.
Identifying as a misfit, with all of the rejection built in, conveyed a harmful message. I was “different,” ergo, “wrong.”
This recent “visitor friendly” phenomenon has been in the forefront of my attention lately. For all of the talk about changes within the church and the newer focus on being relevant to a secular crowd, one, however, still needs to keep the main thing the main thing: it’s about reconciliation, not ostracism.
And, if we invoke the spirituality of the Twelve Steps, we need to recognize it is not only about surrender to our higher power, it also deals with serving one another, accountability and stewardship.
“…‘Am I my brother's keeper?’”
Genesis 4:9
With the discussion and implementation of visitor friendly changes, where is the practical aspect of caring for a vulnerable member of the flock?
“Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood.”
Acts 20:28
“Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such a one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.”
Galatians 6:1-2
I ask this because, what I have observed in my many years of church attendance, as both a member and a visitor, is, perhaps, the lack of enthusiasm concerning Christian-based recovery and support programs. There are, indeed, unfortunately, some churches which have nothing in place when it comes to drugs and alcohol. And it’s even bleaker concerning eating disorder and abuse recovery groups (please don’t get me started there)!
Look, I understand the reality that there is no such thing as a perfect church. With a living, breathing organism, comprised of imperfect individuals, hey, it’s going to be messy. I’ve frequently heard of how the church is a hospital, even a triage unit.
And so, to that, I suggest the attitude of the Hippocratic Oath:
“First, due no harm.”
But, if the church is a hospital, there doesn’t seem to be nearly as much giddiness over being harmless, let alone, actually doing some healing and helping, as there is about the latest visitor friendly trend. And that, scripturally speaking, can be a stumbling block…
“Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister.”
Romans 14:13
It brings up the harmful condemnation which often co-exists for those who are struggling with addiction, compulsion, disorder, and abuse. There can be a subtle, oh, so subtle, message sent of “you don’t quite belong here because…” And then add whatever excuse/ reason you choose to the statement.
But, again, if we’re going to ask the “What would Jesus do?” question, then, perhaps we should first look at what He wouldn’t do:
“When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, ‘Woman, where are those thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee?’ She said, ‘No man, Lord.’ And Jesus said unto her, ‘Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.’”
John 8:10-11
“For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.”
John 3:17
Part of the spiritual and emotional obstacles we’ve been working on overcoming involve the stigma attached to these less than pretty struggles. Be they disorder, addiction or abuse, unfortunately, they can often be dismissed, if not downright mishandled, in a Christian setting.
A frequent response can be “just pray and have faith.” This, in and of itself, is not a bad thing, but it’s potentially wounding when it’s used as the only method for healing and recovery. It can become especially painful when a church body decides there is no need for recovery and support programs. By simply stating, “all you need is Jesus,” however unintentionally, the judgment comes across; the struggling person’s faith- and their very being- are not good enough here. The sentiment is further cemented by the absence of real, functioning recovery programs.
“Ye shall know them by their fruits…”
Matthew 7:16
Actions speak louder than words. By cavalier, judgmental attitudes and a lack of resources, the church body can send a dangerous message; recovery is not a top priority. And then, it is taken to an even more destructive level when the person in need accepts that verdict, complete with its shame and the lack of support.
You may think I’m being melodramatic here. But I’ve encountered many people who’ve been burned by their experiences with churches, especially concerning this dicey recovery issue. There can, unfortunately, still be an oppressive stigma operating in a place which represents itself as God’s House.
I’m not against the welcoming aspect of being “visitor friendly.” I am not against updated music, lights and sound equipment. But these things should not be at the expense of the healing message.
“And Jesus saith unto him, ‘I will come and heal him.’”
Matthew 8:7
“‘For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds,’ saith the LORD...”
Jeremiah 30:17
And part of that involves support, compassion and restoration- in functional programs. The proof is in the pudding. If you only have money within the budget for the latest equipment or trendy changes, but not recovery resources, what message is truly being conveyed?
I offer this commentary on the visitor friendly situation to challenge us all. If we truly wish to be “about our Father’s business” (Luke 2:49), let’s be about it, instead of just being excited about gadgets or the latest trends. Let’s love and care about each other.
“This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.”
John 15:12
It’s not a new message, but man, is it ever powerful- AND visitor friendly!
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse
