A Villain Somewhere
I never took Geometry in high school. But I have learned life lessons about the triangle when it comes to dysfunctional relationships.
Triangulation. It’s a popular buzz word for a less-than-healthy relationship dynamic. It usually involves three people, with some toxic roleplay at work in communication, goals, and identification.
And, at its heart is the necessity of the “villain.”
“No matter how good of a person you are, you're a villain in someone's story.”
Unknown
The Villain…
The role and function, it can be argued, of the villain is for a certain party to see another person as the evil wrongdoer and/or the scapegoat.
The Agenda?
This role and function exist for several reasons. It can absolve a person from all responsibility. It can serve to tear down another person’s character, reputation, and credibility. It can create a situation in which one party exploits another to gain love, financial benefit, and favor.
It is manipulative.
A large hallmark of its practice is the sense that we, somehow, never seem to be able to do anything right. It is a breeding ground for gaslighting, having us second guess ourselves, all while being made wrong as the final decree.
The Perspective…
Nothing is ever good enough; it is designed not to be.
That’s a driving force behind the creation and established presence of “the villain.” Black and white thinking.
We are off kilter. And, if we are unsteady emotionally and mentally, we are far easier to control. A battle for our minds exists. Getting us to believe what another wants us to believe can be a huge win, with dividends resulting from our belief aligning with the manipulator’s assertion.
But for the victim to exist, there need to be other elements of the triangulation also in effect.
Hence, the necessary person and relational dynamic known as “the victim.”
The Victim…
The Agenda?
This person has a dysfunctional reason for existence. It’s a sense of entitlement drives its perspective on being wounded or wronged. If one part of the triangulation party decides that they are not getting what is “owed” to them, “the victim” can quickly rear its demanding, needy, self-pitying, and opportunistic head.
“Poor me!”
“Look at how I am being constantly oppressed!”
That’s the sentiment.
The Perspective…
Concerning the emphasis for “the victim,” their sense of harm shows up as simply receiving an unpleasant response.
Feelings of being victimized by a “no?” Yep, it happens.
We don’t typically enjoy being told, “no.” To one degree or another, we’re all capable of embodying a self-pitying stance.
But there’s a difference between the occasional self-pitying thought and the personal mission to control other people by intentionally using any and every type of sympathy and weakness to exploit and manipulate a situation.
“The victim” wants to exploit and manipulate the situation.
And “the victim” is a necessary role and person within the triangulation. They work to support the point, the agenda, and the designation of “the villain.”
How much, truly, could a victim exist without the evil, snarling villain?
If there is the wronged victim here, there is, indeed, “a villain somewhere.”
And let’s be real. That is extremely important to some people. It can successfully help a person to escape accountability and personal responsibility. It can allow for dysfunction and abuse to continue and thrive.
But the finale is found, however, within the third component of dysfunctional triangulation…
The Hero…
The “good guy.” The cowboy wearing the white hat. The designated savior swooping in to rescue a person in a situation. This person must exist.
The Agenda?
Why?
Image equals victory.
If it is true that there is no reality, only perception, as the famous quote goes, then a strong image’s perception is the “winner take all” reason for being.
“The Hero” must win. They are, somehow, above reproach, perfect, representing everything that is good and right with the world. There is attention, there is narcissistic supply that comes towards the hero.
How wonderful they are! How much they have saved the day!
But why must we think those things about anyone, viewing anyone as the hero? What is that about?
The Perspective…
Their heroic image manipulates reality.
If we are looking at and thinking favorably of “the hero,” there doesn’t appear to be much scrutiny, confrontation, and acknowledgment of the other players and circumstances. Again, it’s black and white thinking.
All good. All bad. No in between.
Each of us likes to be regarded favorably in life. We like nice compliments and pleasant attention coming our way.
But a manipulative person, insisting on being “the hero,” needs it more than air or water. They HAVE to be the hero, even if and when they create havoc, representing the villain.
Somewhere: Location, Location, Location…
Where are they? Where are we?
Therapy. Facing truth. Working on issues. Going low or no-contact with toxic people.
These are some of the GPS signals that can help us identify and locate what is going on, triangulation and manipulation included.
Knowing our location, especially if we sense a relationship is dysfunctional and toxic, can better equip us and protect us.
If we feel that something is “off,” that we are being manipulated, chances are good we probably are.
When it comes to relationships, the triangle has no healthy place here.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
Kind Versus Nice: The Baby Bird Test
While doing research on the internet, okay, while trying to avoid work, distracting myself with cute animals, I came across this little guy right here.
Yes, the image of a baby bird, being spoon-fed, can make even the hardest of hearts melt I bit (at least, I hope it does).
Attached to the image was this statement: “You will never regret being kind.”
I started thinking about that concept. Like many abuse survivors out there, I’ve been exploited and taken advantage of, simply because, many times, I was trying to be kind. Add to that reality, the message pressure of “Be nice” we so often hear, especially as children, and the whole expression of humanity becomes muddy.
We can ask ourselves, “Am I being kind?” “Am I being nice?”
What’s the difference between the two? Which one should I choose?
The baby bird image simplifies the issue. So, let’s return to that little budgie.
First, this little guy is helpless, practically bald, as his pink skin barely has enough “peach fuzz” to cover his body. He must be freezing. Someone, please get him a sweater!
But there are no warm sweaters for baby birds found in nature.
Instead, we see the vulnerability of this creature, perhaps, eliciting our innate caregiving response. So, the picture appears quiet, calm and gentle. There is no force feeding. A spoon is gently presented to the helpless, hungry guy. I’m quite certain music from ACDC is also not playing in the background (nothing against the band, ACDC).
I mention this to illustrate how, for the greater good, meaning, the survival and well-being of this baby bird, all focus goes to taking care of him. There is no fanfare, no attention seeking. Perhaps, that is the essence of kindness.
Now, let’s contrast that with “Being Nice.”
There is a difference.
For, in this instance, we go back to our baby bird and the “spoon feeder.” Here, this person declares, “I’m a nice person.”
But it’s not quite that simple.
The image in this scenario would probably be dramatically different. The focus would be changed.
Perhaps, this picture would be all hand, all spoon, with absolutely no emphasis on the baby bird. Maybe, you’d see a beak in the photo, at most.
Maybe.
This “nice” approach may be that way, because the nice agenda dictates it be a birdfeeder spoon photo op. It has nothing to do with keeping the helpless being alive. It has, instead, everything to do with the perception surrounding the spoon feeder.
Isn’t he/she such a great person? Just look at what they’re doing!
Yes, “Nice” has an agenda and a superiority to it. It can be self-directed, or it can be externally achieved, via other people, outside of the situation.
The kind person, however, says nothing. There’s no need to be validated with “How great thou art.” There’s no need for accolades. The spoon feeder is too busy spoon feeding the baby bird, to pay attention to what everyone else is saying.
In this instance, perhaps, this photo would have the feeder make every attempt to not be in the picture. There would be no identifying characteristics. It’s more than enough to see the tips of his/her fingers.
Kind just is.
But, again, Nice is concerned with appearances.
There is the glory of the photo op. If a nice deed happens, and it is not caught on camera, does it exist?
Who knows? Without a camera present, the person might be captured tormenting the bird.
Kind doesn’t think that way.
Kind doesn’t entertain manipulation and abuse. Nice, perhaps, does.
Kind is concerned with the kind act they wish to perform.
It’s a Deliberate Decision.
The difference between Kind and Nice doesn’t need to be confusing. It can come down to decision making. And we all engage in decision making.
Kind makes a decision to be Kind. Nice makes a decision to be Nice.
It’s intentional, whether we know it or not. What drives us? What compels us? And how will we respond to that honest answer?
How will we feed that baby bird?
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
“Kind Versus Nice: The Baby Bird Test” explores our motivations behind doing a good deed.
IMHO
Most of us are familiar with the children’s classic, “Charlotte’s Web” by E.B. White. We’re familiar with our favorite county fair pig, Wilber and his unlikely relationship with a spider named Charlotte.
As the story unfolds, the reality of a country fair pig’s fate becomes clear: he will be slaughtered. Upsetting as this is, Charlotte works out a P.R. campaign to save Wilbur. She starts creating a series of message cobwebs which declare how wonderful this pig is and how it would, therefore, be a grave mistake to kill him. It, inevitably, becomes a tourist attraction, thus securing Wilbur’s safety. With messages like, “Some Pig,” “Terrific,” and “Radiant,” interested was, indeed, generated.
And one of those messages was that of “Humble.”
We hear a lot about the importance of humility. All of that “pride goeth before a fall” stuff permeates our culture and our daily lives. We are repeatedly told to be humble, to stay humble.
Let’s look at that a little. What does humble mean?
It’s not the same as destructively tearing ourselves down. It’s not about poor self-esteem. Rather, it’s about a more realistic and accurate assessment of who we are and what our place is in the world. It starts by learning and accepting that yes, we are fallible, but still valuable.
Like Wilbur, many of us do not know just how intrinsically important we are; we, often, have not been taught that truth. We live in constant insecurity; we may even feel like, on some level, our lives are threatened. We underestimate the power of opinion, ours or anyone’s else’s. We possess faulty thinking and belief systems, many times, causing us harm in the process.
And, of course, we certainly don’t want to traipse over to the extreme opposite, being so insufferable and arrogant, puffing our chests and our inferiority complexes out for everyone to see.
Like the whole cliché of life, the more doable solution appears to be somewhere, in the middle, in the moderation.
Cue, therefore, a well-worn phrase we hear and speak frequently, “In My Humble Opinion.”
Wilbur, being called “humble,” was being acknowledged and complimented for an admirable trait. He didn’t call himself that. He had no idea of Charlotte’s web-spinning until after the fact.
Still, whether you and I are acknowledged or not, we have the responsibility to do realistic self-checks, all on our own. Personal inventory.
How out of control are our egos?
We need to recognize that each one of us has an opinion, but opinion does not always, necessarily, equal fact. It’s a perspective. It can be supported by facts and truths, but it is still a perspective, seen through our lens. There needs to be a cautious awe and humility at that.
In my humble opinion, anyway.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
Suffice It to Say…
Many of us have heard this expression. It usually means we could say a lot more about a situation or a person, but we either won’t or can’t.
Therefore, suffice it to say…
As I have learned more about Narcissistic abuse and continue to make my way through my own recovery, I see how we could all benefit from this expression, especially those of us who are recovering from toxic dynamics, be they family, romantic, professional, or any other kind of dysfunctional and harmful interaction.
And here is where the Twelve Step principle of JADE comes into play as an emergency “go-to” for me.
JADE: an acronym, which stands for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain.
It’s often employed as a recovery tool, as many of us, addicted to and entangled in our “drug of choice,” need a friendly reminder of our personal boundaries, of what we are and are not responsible for. Many of us have believed the lie we “owe” someone an explanation whenever we say one tiny little word: “no.” That’s a cornerstone of abuse: the refusal to accept anyone’s no on any subject matter or decision. If someone, who is acting in an abusive way, does not accept a person’s no, that usually indicates there’s a desire to manipulate and control. In the abuser’s mind, only a “yes” is acceptable, no matter how violating to the person’s well-being, dignity and safety it may be.
JADE helps reminds those of us caught in anything that dishonors our right to autonomy and respect that yes, we have a right to our no, without any further explanation of that no.
Justify:
When we feel pressured to justify ourselves and our actions, there’s an emphasis on proving ourselves worthy. The goal of the abusive person here? To make you and I feel wrong and to doubt ourselves.
And the main word we can often feel led to use, as we are tempted to justify ourselves, is “Because…”
“Because I’m busy…”
“Because I’m tired…”
We may believe that if we, indeed, prove ourselves to the demanding person, they will, therefore, be satisfied with our response, respect us and leave us alone.
Nope.
It, more than likely, will be more like this. They come at us even harder, becoming more violating, more abusive, employing more harmful strategies to squeeze that “yes” response out of us.
Suffice it to say…
Here’s where our “less is more” strategy meets us, if we’re willing to take the meeting. Say nothing. Do not offer any “because” reason. If the awkward silence (and yes, it will feel awkward) is too deafening for us, we can respond with the following…
“I am not able to do that.”
If we feel like being generous, we could even attach an “I’m sorry, but I am not able to do that.” And leave it at that.
Suffice it to say.
No further expounding is necessary. If we need to, we can walk away. However, according to our abuser, this discussion will not be over yet.
Yes, friendly warning: if you and I haven’t personally experienced it already, our abusive person will probably not accept any of our answer, shy of the desired “yes.” In fact, things may be ratcheted up to the next tactic.
Argue:
And here is often where arguing comes in, on the part of the abusive person. Again, in this situation, there can exist the need to prove ourselves in the heat of an argument. And that’s by design.
Yes, arguments happen in life. However, there is a difference when we are arguing with an abusive person, versus a non-abusive person. A non- abusive person may come from a perspective of trying to understand a situation or settle a disagreement.
But the abusive person is not interested in that approach. When we argue with that individual, often, that toxic person’s modus operandi is to engage in dysfunction, simply to keep the negative exchange going, whether that’s the individual fight or the harmful relationship, itself.
Still, when we’re heated, it’s difficult to keep an objective perspective. We feel we need to make the point, asserting, “I am not this; I am this.”
But again, the abusive person is not interested in hearing, in understanding, in working a situation out. Instead, they are focused on “the win.” And sometimes, the abusive person gets a high from the flying sparks. They can even enjoy the process of wearing you and I down. They want us to submit. Period.
Suffice it to say, then, arguing with a person like this is pointless.
It’s not worth expending the energy. Disengage, as much as possible. Don’t get into it. It’s harmful. If the abuser is only focused on the dominating “win,” continuing with the dynamic only gives us various degrees of losing.
And we’re more valuable than that.
Defend:
Defend can be our knee-jerk response when things become more serious, dangerous or violent. Now, something feels at stake.
When we are in a toxic interaction with an abusive person, we can feel like our very lives are threatened. If that is the case, we need to get help and get out.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
In terms of a less violent context, the abusive tactic of placing us in a position of defense still is serious and can cause us harm. Here, we experience the verbal, the emotional, the mental, the spiritual and the financial aspects of abuse, all of which are detrimental to our personhood.
We can respond, either outright or unconsciously, with the pleading statement, “Stop attacking me!”
And, adding further injury, the abuser can enjoy that reality, because we’re off kilter. They can assume they have the advantage over us.
Learned helplessness can often result. We feel powerless. And, because we feel powerless, we can often give our power away even more.
But JADE’s principle of never defending yourself, meaning, never pouring excessive, tiring energy into a dysfunctional dynamic, hinges on this premise. The abuser is only interested in attacking and having us in the struggling, one-down position.
And, just like “Justify,” just like “Argue,” to keep engaging in that is, at best, pointless for us and, at worst, harmful. It’s a rigged game, with it already decided, by the abusive person, that you and I will be the loser. Don’t play it.
If you feel you need to defend yourself, that’s an unhealthy relationship and/or interaction.
Detach. Walk away.
Explain:
I can prove myself to you; here’s my evidence.
And here’s the hoop-jumping, the auditioning, the desperate plea, “BELIEVE Me!”
I personally feel that this element of JADE is the most harmful to us: the pressure we may feel to “explain.”
When we refuse to justify, argue or defend ourselves against a coercive individual, indeed, that last resort may be to pressure us into explaining ourselves. It can even go so far as to demand we explain our very existence.
It’s demoralizing, dehumanizing. It’s abusive.
And it shines a spotlight on a core trait of an abusive person: his/her sense of entitlement.
After all, what could better drive the intense demand of such an individual?
It can be argued that’s the reason for JADE in the first place.
For, concerning the entitled person’s perspective, he/she believes they is “owed” something by us. And that can be anything under the sun, only subject to the abuser’s whims.
That abuser may feel we owe them complete agreement, acquiescence, control and decision making for our lives. We may feel we need to have their “permission” to exist. It is damaging… and often, subtle. It can creep up on us slowly, as, bit by bit, we give our power away, all in the hopes we will be loved and/or we will no longer be abused.
“Explaining ourselves,” therefore, places an unachievable onus solely on us. We can believe the lie that, anything short of a “good enough explanation” for ourselves rightfully leads to our punishment. We can absorb how our “imperfect” explanation is our fault, bringing any punishment upon ourselves.
What’s wrong with just explaining a situation?
It has everything to do with context.
Quick questions you and I need to ask ourselves:
Do I feel like I’m forced to explain myself?
If it were solely up to me, would I choose to explain this situation?
What are those answers?
Anything violating our basic free will and dignity is abusive.
If the context of an explanation involved a non-abusive party, that’s one thing. There is no agenda to dominate, subjugate or control a human being. If we choose not to give a full accounting to that person, the other party would accept that choice.
But, again, with an abuser, there is no “enough” involved. We could not justify enough, argue enough, defend ourselves enough, and, of course, explain ourselves enough. The abusive person is never satisfied with anything we give them.
We can point to immaturity, Narcissism, insecurity and even a more sinister need for power over us. It still doesn’t change the fact that no amount of our will, desire and energy expenditure will satisfy them.
And, just as importantly, it’s not our job to do that kind of hoop-jumping. None of it will get the person to love us or treat us better.
So, what are we left with?
Scripture, again, pops up for me, even with is “secular” JADE principle.
“Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”
Matthew 5:37
That’s what it is all about. In the realm of dignity, healthy treatment and basic human respect, how does someone view our expression on a matter?
Do they accept it? Do they reject it? Do they try to forcibly change it? Do they abuse us over it?
Are we respected?
JADE, perhaps, can remind us we must be exactly that.
Suffice it to say.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
Trained to Chase
One way: me to them.
It wasn’t just a pattern in my friendships. It was the teaching from my family of origin.
They set the template.
And, like any good cookie cutter, the fixed nature of its existence can often determine the uniformity of the outcomes. Baked cookies. Baked relationships. They take on the shape and the characteristics of what outlines their reality.
The cookie cutter, taught to me by my blood relatives?
Are we trained to chase in relationships?
Do we initiate? Do we pursue?
And eventually, do we debase or dishonor ourselves?
You know the statement.
“Have some pride and dignity.”
Yeah.
Early childhood relationship lessons, taught via my family of origin.
And it all started with the “N-word.”
Nice. As in…
Be “Nice.”
Also known as “Fawn.”
“Be nice” emphasizes pleasing. Giving in. Being accommodating.
And this “N-word” often runs rampant amongst females, starting when we’re little girls. It is of the utmost importance that girls be nice. We need to please. We need to acquiesce. We need to compromise, in the name of “getting along.”
It’s a bias against being displeasing, confrontational, and true to oneself.
Many a girl is scared about the fate which awaits her, should she run contrary to someone’s expectations, pressures, or happiness. She is often scolded how anything shy of completely pleasing someone else should never be allowed to happen. She is made to feel she is only a “bad girl” then.
And that, apparently, is the worst thing she could ever be in life.
Not inauthentic. Not a hypocrite. Not a door mat.
“Bad girl.” That’s it.
Avoid, then, being the opposite of “nice,” at all costs.
There’s a distortion here. There’s inaccurate focus on the displeasing of one person to another only occurring one way.
It’s to reciprocity’s detriment.
There’s no education, nor emphasis on “give-and-take” relationships.
Only “be nice.”
And “Nice” is often confused with “kind.”
There’s a difference between the two.
“Nice” has a judgment attached to it. There is expectation. There is an agenda.
“Kind,” however, doesn’t have any ulterior motives attached to it. “Kind” is not only kind to others; it is kindness turned towards us also.
“Nice” has wrong or “not enough” built into it.
“Nice” can expect us to override our consciences, personal values, health, and well-being, “for the greater good…nice.”
“Being nice” fawns, hoping someone will be “nice” back to us.
Hoping. Praying. Chasing.
But it doesn’t deliver.
Still, “be nice” is the gold standard. That’s how to create and maintain relationships of every kind.
“Keep at it.”
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting a different result.”
We’re quite familiar with this quote.
But when we’re trained to chase relationships, we are taught the opposite message. Keep at it. Keep trying. Keep going about the same approaches to achieve a friendship or a relationship. Never mind that it’s not working.
We can be brainwashed into believing it’s simply not working because we’re not trying hard enough or long enough.
It’s not working because it’s “our fault.” We’re to blame. It is not any other person sharing any responsibility or accountability.
It is all on us.
So, the only solution, our only recourse?
Keep at it.
And that approach subjects us to abuse, exploitation, personal misery, and toxic relationships.
If we “keep at it,” we are not facing and addressing the real core issues of abuse, dysfunction, and what we truly deserve.
“Keep at it” distracts us.
And that usually benefits someone else, while it simultaneously hurts us.
Ignore.
Working in conjunction with “keeping at it” is also the neglecting principle of what we willingly and unknowingly ignore about our lives and issues.
What was set up for most of us, from childhood, was this coping strategy.
It could range everything from complete denial and lying about a reality (“no, you weren’t abused”), to minimizing, according to perceived convenience, what happened (“no, it wasn’t that bad”), to outright refusal to even talk about it (“never talk about this again”).
Whatever the approach may be, it has this in common: we’re not dealing with a real issue.
And that can prime us for future relationships, what we will and will not tolerate from others.
Here’s a hint: the “will tolerate from others” list is longer than the “will not tolerate from others” list.
We will hang in there for too long with abusive and toxic behaviors; we believe the argument “It’s okay. This is okay.”
And it’s not.
It can often come down to an often-used trauma recovery word: “devalued.”
We accept that we are being devalued. And that is a natural part of relationships. It’s “normal” and does not need to be challenged in any way.
Yeah, I know.
Yet, as we live out this toxic relationship principle, we absorb all of the effort and responsibility. It is all about us “taking it.”
Again, it’s one-way. No acknowledgement or meeting of our needs is in effect. We get ignored, while “they” get nothing short of our “Johnny-on-the-spot” attention to any whim.
Let’s get “un-trained.”
Training.
Brainwashing.
Programming.
Grooming.
These are just a few words used to describe our toxic relational style here.
But the foundational truth is still the common denominator: we are taught to practice a certain response which often benefits someone else.
And we need to challenge that kind of education.
Why do we respond that way?
How does it serve someone else?
How does it serve us?
We need to be honest about what that looks like.
Challenge the thought. Challenge the behavior. Challenge the relationship. Challenge ourselves.
Why do we need and want it?
We need to chase those answers instead.
Copyright© 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
