Trained to Chase

One way: me to them.

It wasn’t just a pattern in my friendships. It was the teaching from my family of origin.

They set the template.

And, like any good cookie cutter, the fixed nature of its existence can often determine the uniformity of the outcomes. Baked cookies. Baked relationships. They take on the shape and the characteristics of what outlines their reality.

The cookie cutter, taught to me by my blood relatives?

Are we trained to chase in relationships?

Do we initiate? Do we pursue?

And eventually, do we debase or dishonor ourselves?

You know the statement.

“Have some pride and dignity.”

Yeah.

Early childhood relationship lessons, taught via my family of origin.

And it all started with the “N-word.”

Nice. As in…

Be “Nice.”

Also known as “Fawn.”

“Be nice” emphasizes pleasing. Giving in. Being accommodating.

And this “N-word” often runs rampant amongst females, starting when we’re little girls. It is of the utmost importance that girls be nice. We need to please. We need to acquiesce. We need to compromise, in the name of “getting along.”

It’s a bias against being displeasing, confrontational, and true to oneself.

Many a girl is scared about the fate which awaits her, should she run contrary to someone’s expectations, pressures, or happiness. She is often scolded how anything shy of completely pleasing someone else should never be allowed to happen. She is made to feel she is only a “bad girl” then.

And that, apparently, is the worst thing she could ever be in life.

Not inauthentic. Not a hypocrite. Not a door mat.

“Bad girl.” That’s it.

Avoid, then, being the opposite of “nice,” at all costs.

There’s a distortion here. There’s inaccurate focus on the displeasing of one person to another only occurring one way.

It’s to reciprocity’s detriment.

There’s no education, nor emphasis on “give-and-take” relationships.

Only “be nice.”

And “Nice” is often confused with “kind.”

There’s a difference between the two.

“Nice” has a judgment attached to it. There is expectation. There is an agenda.

“Kind,” however, doesn’t have any ulterior motives attached to it. “Kind” is not only kind to others; it is kindness turned towards us also.

“Nice” has wrong or “not enough” built into it.

“Nice” can expect us to override our consciences, personal values, health, and well-being, “for the greater good…nice.”

“Being nice” fawns, hoping someone will be “nice” back to us.

Hoping. Praying. Chasing.

But it doesn’t deliver.

Still, “be nice” is the gold standard. That’s how to create and maintain relationships of every kind.

“Keep at it.”

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting a different result.”

We’re quite familiar with this quote.

But when we’re trained to chase relationships, we are taught the opposite message. Keep at it. Keep trying. Keep going about the same approaches to achieve a friendship or a relationship. Never mind that it’s not working.

We can be brainwashed into believing it’s simply not working because we’re not trying hard enough or long enough.

It’s not working because it’s “our fault.” We’re to blame. It is not any other person sharing any responsibility or accountability.

It is all on us.

So, the only solution, our only recourse?

Keep at it.

And that approach subjects us to abuse, exploitation, personal misery, and toxic relationships.

If we “keep at it,” we are not facing and addressing the real core issues of abuse, dysfunction, and what we truly deserve.

“Keep at it” distracts us.

And that usually benefits someone else, while it simultaneously hurts us.

Ignore.

Working in conjunction with “keeping at it” is also the neglecting principle of what we willingly and unknowingly ignore about our lives and issues.

What was set up for most of us, from childhood, was this coping strategy.

It could range everything from complete denial and lying about a reality (“no, you weren’t abused”), to minimizing, according to perceived convenience, what happened (“no, it wasn’t that bad”), to outright refusal to even talk about it (“never talk about this again”).

Whatever the approach may be, it has this in common: we’re not dealing with a real issue.

And that can prime us for future relationships, what we will and will not tolerate from others.

Here’s a hint: the “will tolerate from others” list is longer than the “will not tolerate from others” list.

We will hang in there for too long with abusive and toxic behaviors; we believe the argument “It’s okay. This is okay.”

And it’s not.

It can often come down to an often-used trauma recovery word: “devalued.”

We accept that we are being devalued. And that is a natural part of relationships. It’s “normal” and does not need to be challenged in any way.

Yeah, I know.

Yet, as we live out this toxic relationship principle, we absorb all of the effort and responsibility. It is all about us “taking it.”

Again, it’s one-way. No acknowledgement or meeting of our needs is in effect. We get ignored, while “they” get nothing short of our “Johnny-on-the-spot” attention to any whim.

Let’s get “un-trained.”

Training.

Brainwashing.

Programming.

Grooming.

These are just a few words used to describe our toxic relational style here.

But the foundational truth is still the common denominator: we are taught to practice a certain response which often benefits someone else.

And we need to challenge that kind of education.

Why do we respond that way?

How does it serve someone else?

How does it serve us?

We need to be honest about what that looks like.

Challenge the thought. Challenge the behavior. Challenge the relationship. Challenge ourselves.

Why do we need and want it?

We need to chase those answers instead.

Copyright© 2023 by Sheryle Cruse