A Villain Somewhere
I never took Geometry in high school. But I have learned life lessons about the triangle when it comes to dysfunctional relationships.
Triangulation. It’s a popular buzz word for a less-than-healthy relationship dynamic. It usually involves three people, with some toxic roleplay at work in communication, goals, and identification.
And, at its heart is the necessity of the “villain.”
“No matter how good of a person you are, you're a villain in someone's story.”
Unknown
The Villain…
The role and function, it can be argued, of the villain is for a certain party to see another person as the evil wrongdoer and/or the scapegoat.
The Agenda?
This role and function exist for several reasons. It can absolve a person from all responsibility. It can serve to tear down another person’s character, reputation, and credibility. It can create a situation in which one party exploits another to gain love, financial benefit, and favor.
It is manipulative.
A large hallmark of its practice is the sense that we, somehow, never seem to be able to do anything right. It is a breeding ground for gaslighting, having us second guess ourselves, all while being made wrong as the final decree.
The Perspective…
Nothing is ever good enough; it is designed not to be.
That’s a driving force behind the creation and established presence of “the villain.” Black and white thinking.
We are off kilter. And, if we are unsteady emotionally and mentally, we are far easier to control. A battle for our minds exists. Getting us to believe what another wants us to believe can be a huge win, with dividends resulting from our belief aligning with the manipulator’s assertion.
But for the victim to exist, there need to be other elements of the triangulation also in effect.
Hence, the necessary person and relational dynamic known as “the victim.”
The Victim…
The Agenda?
This person has a dysfunctional reason for existence. It’s a sense of entitlement drives its perspective on being wounded or wronged. If one part of the triangulation party decides that they are not getting what is “owed” to them, “the victim” can quickly rear its demanding, needy, self-pitying, and opportunistic head.
“Poor me!”
“Look at how I am being constantly oppressed!”
That’s the sentiment.
The Perspective…
Concerning the emphasis for “the victim,” their sense of harm shows up as simply receiving an unpleasant response.
Feelings of being victimized by a “no?” Yep, it happens.
We don’t typically enjoy being told, “no.” To one degree or another, we’re all capable of embodying a self-pitying stance.
But there’s a difference between the occasional self-pitying thought and the personal mission to control other people by intentionally using any and every type of sympathy and weakness to exploit and manipulate a situation.
“The victim” wants to exploit and manipulate the situation.
And “the victim” is a necessary role and person within the triangulation. They work to support the point, the agenda, and the designation of “the villain.”
How much, truly, could a victim exist without the evil, snarling villain?
If there is the wronged victim here, there is, indeed, “a villain somewhere.”
And let’s be real. That is extremely important to some people. It can successfully help a person to escape accountability and personal responsibility. It can allow for dysfunction and abuse to continue and thrive.
But the finale is found, however, within the third component of dysfunctional triangulation…
The Hero…
The “good guy.” The cowboy wearing the white hat. The designated savior swooping in to rescue a person in a situation. This person must exist.
The Agenda?
Why?
Image equals victory.
If it is true that there is no reality, only perception, as the famous quote goes, then a strong image’s perception is the “winner take all” reason for being.
“The Hero” must win. They are, somehow, above reproach, perfect, representing everything that is good and right with the world. There is attention, there is narcissistic supply that comes towards the hero.
How wonderful they are! How much they have saved the day!
But why must we think those things about anyone, viewing anyone as the hero? What is that about?
The Perspective…
Their heroic image manipulates reality.
If we are looking at and thinking favorably of “the hero,” there doesn’t appear to be much scrutiny, confrontation, and acknowledgment of the other players and circumstances. Again, it’s black and white thinking.
All good. All bad. No in between.
Each of us likes to be regarded favorably in life. We like nice compliments and pleasant attention coming our way.
But a manipulative person, insisting on being “the hero,” needs it more than air or water. They HAVE to be the hero, even if and when they create havoc, representing the villain.
Somewhere: Location, Location, Location…
Where are they? Where are we?
Therapy. Facing truth. Working on issues. Going low or no-contact with toxic people.
These are some of the GPS signals that can help us identify and locate what is going on, triangulation and manipulation included.
Knowing our location, especially if we sense a relationship is dysfunctional and toxic, can better equip us and protect us.
If we feel that something is “off,” that we are being manipulated, chances are good we probably are.
When it comes to relationships, the triangle has no healthy place here.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse