Notice
We see. We look.
Something is visible.
This sentiment showed up on the internet…
“I don’t react, but trust me, I notice everything.”
That statement isn’t easy. It’s not simple.
Yet, how necessary it is to live this out, especially as we deal with toxic people and situations.
Therefore, not far from this internet sentiment is also another often-quoted concept…
“Observe. Don’t absorb.”
Again, not easy. Not simple. Worth pursuing as a life approach. And, as human beings, we struggle to master it.
Notice.
What do we notice? Do we believe what we see? Or do we try to talk ourselves out of it?
Do we try to make it be something it’s not?
Seeing is believing, right?
The word, “Notice” is akin to the phrase, “Observe. Don’t absorb.”
It has a calm tone to it. It’s objective. There doesn’t appear to be anything panicky about it.
Likewise, the phrase, “Observe. Don’t absorb” also has a calm objectivity to it.
It’s about information gathering. It is recording the facts. It is noting what is being displayed in the form of behaviors, words, what is absent, and what is filled with discrepancies.
Reacting destabilizes.
Someone yells at us. Someone calls us an unflattering name. Someone gives a the “silent treatment.” Someone laughs at us. Someone betrays us.
We would probably struggle to be neutral to these scenarios. These situations are highly stressful. At the very least, they’re inconvenient or annoying. It is challenging to just take it all in, without getting our emotions involved. We are primed for fight or flight, especially when a situation escalates.
To remain calm? Easier said than done.
Most of the time, we probably take it to heart.
When we go from objectively observing to negatively personalizing something, we are more vulnerable to internalizing a damaged sense of self. We can also take responsibility for things that are not our fault because of our faulty personalization.
Observe. Don’t absorb.
Emotions are not heightened. “Just the facts, Ma’am.”
It can become tricky, however, as we endeavor to not take things personally. This is the challenge of observing, but not letting it get in.
Yes, we see it. Yes, we hear it. Yes, we know the egregious behavior is going on.
We are not in denial of its existence. We aren’t sweeping its reality under the rug. We aren’t covering up its behavior. We aren’t asserting it’s even right for happening.
We aren’t making excuses. We aren’t lying. We are telling the truth… to ourselves.
What is happening, via someone else, is OUTSIDE of us.
There is differentiation going on: us versus them.
Separate. There is separation.
Their conduct is not our conduct. We are not created to suffer the consequences, and take the fall, for their behavior and for their choices.
Notice what you’re noticing.
Many of us are not used to simply noting what’s going on, without getting emotionally involved and upset by it.
But to be healthier, that is a must.
We must resist the faulty, incorrect reaction of reverting to highly charged negative emotions. And then, concluding that we deserve dysfunctional treatment.
Why are we emotional?
What is the thought behind any intense, harsh, draining, self-blaming, and abusive agendas? Whose thought is that, originally?
Who is telling us that thought?
What do we notice?
Ulterior motives? Addictions? The desire to abuse, mistreat, and neglect?
Projection?
Refusal on someone else’s part to deal with their issues?
What payoff do we notice? What reason? What excuse?
Notice. Observe. Know what is driving behavior.
You and I can do that research, from a more clinical, more objective place.
Do we take that opportunity?
It’s beyond what we think we see and believe. We must notice.
It is worth seeing the situation for what it is.
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse
Not A Sign of Genius
“A cluttered desk is a sign of genius.”
Our aging adult population is inundated with issues: health, interpersonal, familial, financial and legal.
However, perhaps one of the least-discussed is hoarding.
This condition often reveals itself once an elderly loved one struggles to function in his/her daily life. Keeping a house in order becomes impossible.
This is my mother’s situation. But it also confronts how hoarding doesn’t just pop up out of nowhere. Instead, it has existed the entire time; it just went undiagnosed.
The “Messy” House:
My mother was challenged by housekeeping; our home was always unkempt. Arts and crafts projects, boxes, piles of newspapers and magazines filled its rooms. The house was disorganized; and it also was often dirty. Layers of dust and grime covered the furniture.
And, not surprisingly, this was an issue with my dad. Already an abusive personality, this cluttered house was his frequent rage flashpoint. He often complained and, in an effort to make his point, threw away stuff himself. Mom pleaded for him not to do so.
It was to no avail. Mom’s original birth certificate and numerous personal mementos were among those discarded casualties. The more he tried to throw away something, the more tightly she clung to keeping it. Mom hoarded.
And, it has only been years later where I learned clutter didn’t just start with my mother.
Rather, her maternal grandmother also had similar co-existing compulsions affecting her life. Food and weight struggles led to her morbid obesity. And she also had a “messy house.” But my great grandmother took things one step further; she was an animal hoarder. She “collected” Blue Persian cats. Therefore, the ammonia stench was overwhelming in her residence.
I bring up this family history to illustrate how hoarding can often be an intergenerational problem.
It can exist by itself or be accompanied by such conditions as depression, addiction and obsessive-compulsive disorders. Certain members of my family battle with food, drug and alcohol addictions, while compulsively doing laundry and filling their front yards with broken vehicles and appliances. My mother’s mother had severe obsessive- compulsive disorder. She rearranged the furniture at all hours of the day and night.
The “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition” classifies hoarding disorder as a mental illness. Often, it is underdiagnosed.
And Mom’s condition and lack of diagnosis further exacerbated other painful situations.
The Explosion:
One of the most devastating was my dad’s death. The hoarding bomb exploded during my mother’s grief.
After surviving an abusive 30 year marriage to my dad, Mom underestimated these issues and that of her own grief. She frequently shared with me her happy fantasy about that day when he finally died, freeing us. However, she was completely unprepared for the actual event itself.
And, of course, she did not deal with her churning emotions. The constant verbal and emotional abuse imprisoned her. Not surprisingly, his abuse also spread to the financial realm as well. She did not- and could not- do anything without my dad’s controlling permission.
Therefore, this heavily motivated Mom’s grief response: obsessive shopping sprees and increased hoarding from those sprees.
Her psyche screamed, “Now I’m free; no one will ever tell me what to do again!” The attitude showed in how she lived, what she bought and what she did with the house and any “outsider’s” access to it.
But, the problem was she viewed my husband and me amongst those threatening outsiders. When we came back for my dad’s funeral, she did not let us get past the kitchen. She was embarrassed. That embarrassment was familiar territory. But what was unfamiliar was the isolating spirit with which she demanded her independence. She tried to convince everyone she had things under control. She was doing that with us in the kitchen.
So, we reluctantly decided not to press the issue. We hoped Mom’s grief would go thorough its stages and eventually lessen.
But, it didn’t.
Instead, the grief roared with spending binges in the nearby town, multiple catalog orders and accumulating everything she felt she had been deprived of while my dad was alive. Clothes, shoes, bedding, household items and art supplies were just a few of the purchases she made. She was stockpiling. And no one could tell her to stop.
But it was more than stuff for stuff’s sake. It was her vague definition of “freedom.”
She didn’t have to answer to anyone- and she liked it that way.
Still, despite her determined efforts, she could not continue to have it STAY that way...
The Discovery:
Just six years later, Mom had a health crisis which brought her desperation into full view.
In the summer of 2009, Mom had a stroke which left her unable to walk. Forget about caring for herself; forget about being independent. Life changed, forcing her to reside in a care facility.
And, for the first time, we were able to enter the house, with no restrictions on its access. It was devastating.
Every room was packed with boxes, bags, newspapers and garbage. We couldn’t see or walk on the floor. We had to step on or climb over piles of garbage, paintings and newspapers.
I also saw proof of my mother’s unrealized dreams. Boxes and bags were filled with paint brushes, blank canvases and art books, for the paintings she was going to paint “someday.”
The hoarded house was just a symptom; Mom was struggling for hope, struggling to realize her unfulfilled dreams:
This challenging wish fulfillment is now what I have to deal with concerning my mother. I have had many delicate conversations with her about her inability to remain in that house.
I have also gone several rounds with her about the necessary cleanup required of it, without her presence determining what is done. Yes, Mom initially fought me on discarding anything. She has tried to insist on things not changing; but life has not cooperated. Repeatedly, as respectfully as I can muster, I have told her everything cannot be kept. Things come and things go. She doesn’t like that and tries, all the more, to cling to whatever she can.
And so, even though now, she resides within the limited space of her room and its attached bathroom, she squirrels away assorted papers, junk mail and wadded Kleenex. She insists she will need/use them “someday.”
However, she doesn’t. Stuff, instead, just accumulates.
And, as if cleaning the house was not enough of a project, other life changes have, again, spotlighted Mom’s compulsion.
The Move and Something Found:
In the summer of 2016, Mom’s care facility relocated to another building.
So, that meant my husband and I were responsible for packing and storing her stuff, as well as setting up her new room. This was the perfect time to edit what had been collected for the past seven years.
Within her dresser drawers, we found a lot of crumbled paper, outdated catalogs, birthday and Christmas cards. That was not surprising. Mom being the “packrat” she was, never threw anything away. At first, we thought combing through her possessions, especially if most of them were paper, was a bit obsessive. That was, however, until we discovered a different kind of paper... money!
That’s right, we found $326 of it.
Now, to fully appreciate this find, you also have to be clued in on this money’s backstory. During her seven year stay at the care facility, Mom often insisted her money (and assorted items like hair rollers and fingernail clippers) were stolen. Several times, she stated, in a low sinister voice, “there’s thie-e-e-e-ves here.” And we’d bring this matter up at care conferences, asking for help from social services. The nursing staff would go on hunting expeditions which easily turned up the rollers and clippers.
But, because it was against policy for staff to rummage through a resident’s drawers, the money went undiscovered. That is, until her move.
As we were packing her possessions, amongst various papers and cards, a little white envelope fell. In it were two crisp one hundred dollar bills. Okay. We’re alert now. Maybe there is more moolah to be found.
If you’re good at math, you know the answer to that question. On a separate packing occasion, in yet another white envelope, stuffed in a drawer, there was the remaining $126.
While Mom was thrilled to rediscover this missing money, there was still no connection of how her hoarding behavior led to this situation. Instead, she insisted she didn’t have any issue with clutter, while maintaining her argument to hold onto everything. She’s convinced she’ll need these items “someday.”
Independence: The Struggle for Control:
I attempt to understand and deal with her in hoarding’s reality. I can tick off Mom in the check list. Perhaps, you can do the same with your loved one.
Do you see your situation here?
Inability to throw away possessions
Severe anxiety when attempting to discard items
Great difficulty categorizing or organizing possessions
Indecision about what to keep or where to put things
Distress, such as feeling overwhelmed or embarrassed by possessions
Suspicion of other people touching items
Obsessive thoughts and actions: fear of running out of an item or of needing it in the future; checking the trash for accidentally discarded objects
Functional impairments, including loss of living space, social isolation, family or marital discord, financial difficulties, health hazards
“Hoarding: The Basics, Understanding Hoarding,” Anxiety and Depression Association of America; www.adaa.org
Used with permission.
Mom is unlikely to change. Her desire for autonomy is reflected in her attempts at control. She no longer calls the shots concerning her ability to walk, her diet or her living accommodations. So, the hoarding takes on an importance of that much-coveted independence.
Our strategy, therefore, is to limit its negative consequences.
Her care facility and its limited space, makes this more doable than when she had an eleven room house at her disposal.
She still has clutter in her room. But here’s a major difference.
Now, the facility’s staff knows about her tendencies; they monitor what’s accumulating. They have Mom’s reluctant permission to help her tidy things up when it becomes unruly. She cannot deny the facility’s stringent policies concerning fire hazards, health and safety risks which no longer only affect her. She cannot hoard like she used to. She cannot isolate either.
Where once, she could hole herself up in the house, having no interaction with people for days, now, her daily care ensures she is not practicing unsafe habits like she once did. But that doesn’t stop her from trying.
There is an ongoing conversation and negotiation with her. We allow certain things to acquire space in her room. But if they aren’t used, their necessity is discussed and modified. Her living situation is healthier and safer.
Hoarding awareness concerning an elderly loved one is half the battle. You are not alone in your caregiving situation.
This knowledge is power.
Be empowered!
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse
The flowers do it every day.
“Just existing on some days is more than enough. The flowers do it every day and they add beauty to the world just by being here.”
Nikita Gill
“Today, I am a flower.”
I dare you; say that with a straight face, with authority.
Spring has just sprung. Soon, we will be experiencing flowers in full bloom.
And the common agreement is that flowers are beautiful.
Roses. Tulips. Lilacs. Gardenias. Daisies.
On and on.
What’s your reaction when I tell you that you are on par with those flowers… right now.
Yes, you. Yes, now.
Do you agree?
Or are you trying to prove that you are the anti-flower?
You may believe you have real, authentic reasons for that assertion.
I can hear you right now.
Why can I hear you?
Because I have tried to talk myself out of my own flower value so many times before.
“But, But, But…”
Sound familiar?
You and I are clucking away with those large “but’s.”
But, But, But…
Some tried and true anti-flower arguments?
“But I’m wearing sweatpants…”
What are you wearing, right now, as you read this?
Are you dressed in formal wear? How about business attire? Sunday best?
It’s not about critiquing personal style, spending exorbitant amounts of cash on designer labels, or shaming someone for not “doing their best.”
In fact, “doing their best” can often be part of the problem here.
Sometimes, life is sweatpants, clothes with stains on them, and looking more comfortable than aesthetically pleasing.
Is it laundry day? Are we dealing with children or other people who require our caregiving abilities? Are we not feeling well, be in a flu, Covid, or something like cancer or an injury that slows us down to a crawl, at best.
Yes?
Then, more than likely, you are probably wearing sweatpants.
And you’re every bit the flower in doing so.
If you are struggling with life, in any way, I give you my full blessing to wear those symbolic or literal sweatpants.
You are surviving, let alone, you are doing whatever necessitates wearing these pants; that is beautiful enough.
Flower enough.
You are the petals. Your pants are the stems.
Go with it!
But I didn’t get my “to-do” list accomplished…
Here we are, yet again. A case for us as human doings, rather than human beings.
Very anti-flower!
What did we do today? What are we doing with our lives?
No unconditional, inherent value? Are we only as good as our productivity?
Really?
So, on any given day, any flower is just pressuring itself to get tasks done? It’s making a list, maybe even a spreadsheet, complete with other flowers’ responsibilities, chores, and schedules?
Come on!
Flowers bloom and create their fragrances on a strict chop-chop timeline? And then, if those goals aren’t accomplished, the flowers immediately berate themselves, calling themselves names for the rest of the week?
Of course not. Flowers just do what they do, without any shame.
Yes, I know. We are different than flowers. We must do things; we have schedules and responsibilities. We don’t “just bloom.”
But there can be a middle ground, perhaps, between blooming flower and oppressive taskmaster, accomplishing every impossible thing known to man.
Within many therapy approaches, part of the healing process involves us taking personal ownership for what we brought to each day, as is.
What did we do well?
It is literally that question.
And many of us, out of the gate, are already negative, devaluing anything about ourselves.
How about us getting out of bed? How about us trying to get through the day? How about us not giving up?
Do we give ourselves any credit for that?
But I’m not perfect…
Let’s really up the ante: perfection.
Ah, great!
Perfection is a nebulous, constantly moving target. And it’s impossible. It negates all effort and intention. It simply demands unrealistic results.
We talk ourselves out of a lot of things, all because we don’t measure up to some out-of-reach standard. All or nothing.
But how many times have we seen an imperfect flower? Something with a petal missing? Something that is not exactly the “as advertised,” typical shade of color that a flower is supposed to be?
Flowers exist and are often imperfect. And it can happen on any given day.
Therefore, we can apply thew same sentiment to ourselves.
We exist and are imperfect. That can happen on any given day.
But I’m not him/her…
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
It’s an often-uttered quote. I give you numerous variations on the concept…
“Comparison is the death of joy.”
Mark Twain
“Comparison with something that is better is the thief of joy.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“The death of contentment is comparison.”
Steven Furtick
“The research shows that the happier the person, the less attention she pays to how others around her are doing.”
Sonia Lyubomirsky
You get the point.
Does a tulip compare itself against a daisy?
Does a rose run itself down when it sees a lily?
Nope.
So, why do we play the losing game of rate competing against someone else?
Physical appearance? Their jobs? Their marriages? Anything and everything about their lives?
What gets stolen when we loom outside of ourselves, to assess our own value?
Odds are, it is things like time, energy, self-esteem, and positive mental health.
Accept your flowering every day.
You are already doing it. Bask in that. Celebrate that. Heal within that reality.
You are flower enough.
“Today, I am a flower.”
Say it! Live it!
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse
How can love languages mess us up?
Within popular culture, there’s the relationship concept of love languages. The theory asserts that people usually gravitate towards one or two of these prominent ways of expressing love: gift-giving, words of affirmation, touch, quality time, and acts of service.
We tend to feel loved in certain ways, accentuated as our love language needs are met. Love is translated through that language. It becomes deeply experienced.
Those of us who have survived abuse often struggle to experience and feel that healthy love we’re all gunning for. But even with that reality happening to us and causing us pain, many of us still gravitate towards a love language. We aspire to it. We chase it. We try to earn it.
We practice giving it to others, with the hope that it comes back to us.
These things can cause further harm and, at the very least, tricky complications concerning healthy relationships, choices, and lifestyles.
Discerning the healthy, the harmless, and the effectiveness regarding love is a challenge. A large part of that challenge exists because many of us have yet to experience love in any reliable, realistic, and healthy form.
It’s distorted.
And those distortions are further solidified with each mixed message and confusing “should” argument we come across. It can be insidious.
Love is a good thing, right?
Expressing love, therefore, is also a good thing, right?
Not quite. Not always.
Our language can be gift-giving.
“Everyone is a friend to one who gives gifts.”
Proverbs 19:6
We love getting gifts. It’s what birthdays and Christmas holidays are centered on.
Many of us feel loved when we receive a token. We can feel moved and worthy because someone took the time, the energy, the thought, and the money to get us something deeply personal and unique to us.
Getting a gift can feel wonderful.
But there’s more to the issue than being the recipient. After all, “it is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). For many of us, it is in the giving of gifts that we experience that warm, fluffy feeling…and sense of meaning and purpose.
Furthermore, many of us can believe good things will come back to us. We believe in reciprocity, a give and take, especially if we love someone and we believe that they love us.
“Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”
Luke 6:38
That’s a lot of pressure and expectation, isn’t it?
Now, most of us don’t like to think of ourselves as petty, as scorekeeping, tit-for-tat. We don’t want to see ourselves as only doing something to get something back.
But reciprocity is valid and reasonable. We have a right to expect healthy, give-and-take interaction, love, and friendship.
But this can often get twisted, as, for extra fun, the concept of giving, coupled with its obligation, gets embedded, pressuring us to “give until it hurts.”
And to also be happy about it. Scripture states, “God loves a cheerful giver.”
But that can be taken out of context.
It’s not about just being blissfully happy and stupid about the act of giving. Check out the full scripture…
“Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”
2 Corinthians 9:7
What is it you and I truly want to give to a person or to a situation?
Have we ever really stopped and asked ourselves that question?
Or, has our toxic background or experiences enforced how we MUST give everything, to everyone, all the time?
We give until we fall over and die?
“If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.”
Matthew 10:14
What do we do when we find ourselves speaking a foreign language with another person?
Or more complicated yet, what do we do if we find ourselves to be mute?
It can often come down to the concept of proportional response. Our sense of gift giving is language with another, whether it’s giving or receiving. If there is a lack of recognition, and even abuse, no matter what we do, we can be presented with a reality demanding our response.
Do we continue, or do we remove ourselves, with gifts in tow?
“Shaking the dust of our feet” is the realization that our efforts and attempts at connection with this person are not working. They aren’t healthy.
And so, we need to give ourselves permission to walk away.
That can be extremely difficult for those of us loving gift givers. It can be because we have believed a wrong assertion that once we give, we are required to keep giving for the rest of our lives. We believe we are not allowed to stop, to change our minds, to rescind not just material or financial gifts, but our energy, time, and support.
We can make another choice though. We can reverse the gift giving.
That involves confronting the loss of that action. Grief and sadness will be a part of that.
If we continue to gift give when it is harmful, toxic, and dysfunctional, perhaps, we are trying to avoid that grief and sadness.
“Giving until it hurts,” therefore, can serve us. It can be the preferable pain to the loss associated with walking away from a person.
We just don’t want any love, including toxic expressions of love, to die on us.
Our language can be words of affirmation.
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”
Proverbs 18:21
Words have power.
And, for those of us who have abuse and toxic relationships in our backgrounds, words have often been weapons, confusing us, inflicting fear, and fostering self-hatred. Many of us don’t recognize we have been abused, because we believe that “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
But they do.
Verbal abuse is abuse.
It shows up in name-calling and insults.
But it is also found in the absence of words, mainly positive, loving words.
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.”
Proverbs 25:11
Many of us have been denied loving and kind words. We have only heard and have only believed the bad messages hurled at us. Abuse can also manifest itself as silence, including our silence. When we feel we have lost our voices, helpless states of being often result. We feel powerless, desperate, and hopeless.
“If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.”
Matthew 10:14
When we cannot be heard, when we cannot speak, that is unhealthy. It is not what we deserve. It’s manipulation, gaslighting, and abuse. It’s not normal relational behavior. It doesn’t belong in families, in partnerships, or in workplaces.
Unfortunately, when we seek certain words, we can place ourselves in unsafe and compromising positions. We can allow certain behaviors, all because we want to hear “I love you” or sweet terms of endearment. We are starving for those words. We want them in our lives.
If we have the opportunity and the ability, we are presented with a challenge: we can leave with our feet and our words, taking the right to have our voices, with our steps.
We have a right to speak, and to be heard. We deserve to experience both in life.
Our language can be touch.
“Lay hands on no one hastily, nor share in the sins of others; keep yourself pure.”
1 Timothy 5:22
Like other love languages, touch is often something that has been abusive, violating us in some way. Some of the most severe examples of that include of physical and sexual abuse.
Touch is quite pervasive in its impact. It can be misused in subtle ways too. It can be the uncomfortable or the confusing, mixed signals kind of touch that is not wanted and has us second guessing ourselves. It can be the absence of touch, utilized as punishment, making us feel abandoned and rejected.
It can be a spectrum of questionable scenarios regarding touch. Martin Luther once stated, “To act against conscience is neither right nor safe.”
“But be careful that this right of yours in no way becomes a stumbling block to the weak.”
1 Corinthians 8:9
What does the conscience within us have to say about touch?
Good? Bad? Right? Wrong? Pleasurable? Painful? Safe? Dangerous?
Touch and boundary crossing can reveal themselves to us, causing harm. If someone who claims to love us crosses a boundary, we question its validity as an expression of love. Being placed in a vulnerable position with someone we trust can arouse instincts, conflicts, guilt, and shame. We don’t know what to do about love within this context; we don’t know how to respond to the person who is affecting us.
“If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.”
Matthew 10:14
None of us should ever be at the mercy of touch and the toucher behind it. None of us should have to choose between violating ourselves and experiencing love. Love doesn’t violate. Being groomed and conditioned is not love; it’s abuse.
If we are conflicted about any touch, we have the right to say no to it. We are not obligated to touch or be touched if we don’t want it. That includes hugging, kissing, holding hands, shoulder massages, and any other form of touch. We can say no to sex, in any form or expression of it.
We determine what touch we allow. No one else.
If that does not occur, we have the right to leave.
If we are violated when it comes to touch, that is not our fault. We did not ask for it. It was a violation of our rightful boundaries.
Our language can be quality time.
Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”
1 Corinthians 15:33
With whom do we spend our time?
How healthy and safe are they?
For many of us from abusive and toxic backgrounds, we are conditioned to endure situations with people who are not good for us.
And it’s a complicated reality. An unhealthy or an unsafe person may bring some desirable things to the table. We may experience moments of love, support, laughter, and kindness. And those things can be authentic.
And these people can also be individuals who are not choosing good behaviors and decisions. To be blunt, these people can be fools…
“He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.”
Proverbs 13:20
It’s a harsh thing to consider, let alone, to accept. Wisdom involves certain choices, often involving finances, health, and personal relationships.
Those choices have ramifications.
And often, those of us who were denied quality relationships will justify and put up with a lot of unsafe and unhealthy things, just to keep the contact with that person going. We can put ourselves at risk, telling ourselves this person is important.
We decide, on some level, that we will pay the price.
And that price can often be a costly one.
“If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.”
Matthew 10:14
Radical acceptance is the tool we hate to use here. It is painful, scary, and difficult to do just that. It means we need to see reality as it is, not what we wish it would or could be. It means we need to let the tight control our magical thinking has on what this person and their situation has on us.
We aren’t in control. We cannot save. Sadly, we cannot rescue them, no matter how much time we may spend with them.
We are not in control.
The time that we associate spending with them is personally valid and meaningful to us, regardless of the outcomes. Accepting this, for ourselves, therefore can be a healthier part of erecting and maintaining safe and healthy boundaries for ourselves.
And we need to do that.
Our language can be acts of service.
“Do to others as you would like them to do to you.”
Luke 6:31
Like that of quality time, acts of service can be the main love language we speak and choose for our lives. And, like that of quality time, acts of service is about doing.
This may be the toughest of love languages to handle, especially when we are connected to an unhealthy and unsafe person. For codependency is about doing in an unhealthy way, isn’t it?
And that is especially difficult if we are people of deep faith and spirituality. For many of us believe the following tenets of these scriptures…
“For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
Galatians 5:14
Because, in the past unhealthy, abusive, and unsafe dynamics we have been involved with, we have a heavy and inaccurate sense of responsibility, especially if we love someone.
“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.”
Matthew 7:12
We would want someone to love us the way that we love them. We project that magical wish onto them. But they are not us. They think, feel, and respond differently than we do.
For reasons we may or may not understand, they do not prioritize health, safety, appropriate connection, and decision-making, perhaps, the way that we do.
Therefore, we will “do unto them” in more of a loving, kind, healthier, and safer way than they would choose to do towards us.
“If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.”
Matthew 10:14
We can drive ourselves crazy trying to extract their motivations. The reality is that they are not doing to us what we are doing to them.
We must learn to apply love languages for ourselves.
What do we need? What does that look like?
The harsh, challenging reality is that, despite another person, and how they show up in life, we must give ourselves displays of these love languages.
We must give to ourselves, speak words of affirmation to ourselves, be physically gentle with ourselves, spend quality time with ourselves, and perform acts of service for our own lives.
By giving ourselves our examples of these love languages, we are choosing to walk away from dependence upon another person, especially if they are harmful and toxic.
Decisions, boundaries, and accepting reality for what it is can aid us in truly speaking and standing up for ourselves.
We need to start communicating using that language.
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse
Are we angry at the watermelon?
A fluffy kitten is sitting on top of a watermelon, looking disgruntled. And the caption reads…
“Never before has anything been so angry at a watermelon.”
How many times have there been situations in which we found ourselves being as angry with/at anything as this small feline is?
Is there an explainable, justifiable reason the kitten is livid with this large fruit?
No, probably not.
The kitten’s probably upset about something else. The little critter is scared, hungry, lonely, cold. Something. It’s not because of a deep-seated hatred of watermelon. It seems ridiculous for us to sign onto the belief that Kitty is reasonably irate over that summertime treat.
So, why is it not ridiculous for us to believe, at face value, that we are simply mad at something or someone, clear cut, pure and simple, without delving any deeper into what’s driving the fury?
So, what’s the deal?
We are stuck in a moment of displaced anger.
It’s a simple statement, but far from simple as a practiced behavior.
We can determine that anyone or anything is the cause of our rage and our maladaptive behavior. That is the villain; that is our enemy.
The focus of our rage is not the real focus.
Being angry solely at the watermelon is not the solution.
We may assent to that logically, but emotionally? That is trickier.
It’s easier to believe we are smarter and better than someone who could lose it as easily as a kitten over a melon.
But our emotions? They typically don’t seem to cooperate with a “rational” or “am appropriate” response.
Instead, we do things like…
We launch into a tirade with a telemarketer or a customer service person…
We not only flip the bird to a person who cuts us off, but we stop the car, get out of the car, and aggressively charge the other driver with yelling, threats, and anything that can work to convey our menacing status…
We set our ex’s clothes on fire after we break up with them… (or sometimes, before we break up with them)…
The anger is displaced.
Yes, it is.
The prospect of change is discouraged?
Part of why it’s displaced is because we have often received the message and the experience that anger was unacceptable and unsafe.
And it that message, change was also forbidden.
No, we weren’t granted permission to have an uncomfortable and unpleasant emotion or response. That includes anger and frustration.
For those things to be allowed, change would also need to be embraced as well.
And many of us were around people and systems that wanted nothing to do with change, from us, or from anyone or anything else.
Well, that’s realistic and healthy, isn’t it?
So, when that has been our daily and regular experience, anger is the response. It is usually in the form of suppressed, chaotic, and dysfunctional expressions of anger, but it’s there. Anger must go somewhere; it needs to be channeled somehow.
And sometimes, that’s on a designated watermelon of our choice: a person, place, or thing. We “take it out” on someone or something because the toxic buildup can only operate in our bodies and minds for so long before it winds up exploding.
What can we learn to generate a better result?
Coping strategies. What are they?
Can they be healthy and constructive instead of our go-to, quick on the trigger, outbursts at our designated melons?
I know the prospect of this can provoke eye rolls and frustrated sighs. The mind, perhaps, is not as gratified at thoughts of employing hobbies, like knitting or journaling. Is it realistic to believe that these options can work for us?
But many of us, in various ways, have learned how destructively displayed anger has not worked for us. We have suffered the consequences. We have lost relationships, marriages, careers, reputations, money, and self-respect, taking it out on our chosen watermelons.
We now have numerous regrets about those life choices.
Once upon a time, we “learned” to be angry at the melon. Therefore, it’s possible to learn other things as well.
Hobbies. Activities. Therapy. Self-reflection tools. Radical acceptance of truth.
We can learn those things.
The why question replaces the watermelon.
That education often begins once we ask, “Why.”
Why did we choose the watermelon as our watermelon of unleashed anger?
What purpose did that melon serve?
What need were we trying to meet?
What were we trying to avoid?
Instead of just emotionally and mentally checking out, we can confront the melon for what it represented to us.
How was it a pacifier? How was it an acceptable release valve? How was it nourishment?
The watermelon fed us somehow. What was that?
It is about imperfect substitution. Yes, we exchange one for another.
And the “why question” often replaces our lack of awareness, and our habit of choosing the numb approach, instead of “feeling the feelings.”
Choosing other things than our familiar watermelons take commitment and work.
We can be angry, in our real lives, and have that anger be healthier.
Let the watermelons simply be watermelons.
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse
Addiction’s Perceptions
Perception plays a huge starring role in addiction. Each of us is a being which is capable of believing harmful “imaginations.” Full-blown addiction doesn’t happen overnight. It is built, thought by thought, experience by experience, perception by perception.
“I can do this.”
First, there is the Genesis; it begins by that contact moment. We encounter that “thing” which rapidly gets out of our control.
But, in its first form, it often didn’t start out that way. It may have appeared appealing and harmless. That “first” drink, snort, binge, diet, gamble, or adrenalized behavior promises us it is “manageable.” Somehow, even if we know or see others struggle and bottom out with the addiction, we believe we are different. We can handle it.
Following this line of thinking, we are poised for destruction.
“Lest he should fall...”
Yet, we don’t see it as such because we are lulled into a false sense of security.
Again, often that first contact with our addiction usually doesn’t create the worst- case scenario bottom. We can get drunk and the destruction doesn’t automatically happen. We can get high and the destruction doesn’t automatically happen. We can starve, binge and purge and the destruction doesn’t automatically happen. We engage in the extreme and the destruction doesn’t automatically happen.
But just because we lucked out once- or even repeatedly- doesn’t guarantee this will always be the result we experience.
“Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.”
1 Corinthians 10:12
For we’ve only been blessed, protected and fortunate. And that is not our doing. It is not our arrogant reasoning keeping us safe...
“I’m invincible.”
“Human pride will be humbled, and human arrogance will be brought down...”
Isaiah 2:17
Addiction’s perception can convince us we’re in control of our lives. Therefore, if we are IN this control, we can operate in our self-appointed God status. And that’s the problem.
Addiction is a god. And we can easily come under its seduction. The idol lies to us, reassuring us we are, in fact, all-powerful.
We can go along believing that theory. Perhaps we’ve even had experiences which seem to underscore it as truth. But eventually, we trip and discover our fall...
“Falling short...”
“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”
Romans 3:23
Humility and sobriety are intertwined. One cannot exist without the other. Romans 3 is not about humiliating groveling. It is about realistic AWARENESS. Awareness is not debilitating fear. It’s acknowledgment we have limits. But addiction insists otherwise.
Addiction is never full; it never has “enough.”
And so, the next tricky addiction perception we can fall into asserts another dangerous lie, screaming deprivation.
“I’m hopeless.”
Feeling deprived, incorporating such feelings as loneliness, delayed gratification, facing truth and physical/mental/emotional withdrawal, we arrive at this conclusion which, not surprisingly, urges us to use our addiction as that much-needed pain reliever.
We are hurting and joyless. What’s the point in living?
“A Bruised Reed”
But, even in this seemingly forlorn state, we underestimate Divine Mercy.
“A bruised reed shall he not break, and smoking flax shall he not quench, till he send forth judgment unto victory.”
Matthew 12:20
Right where we are, in whatever messed up condition we are in, Matthew 12 reminds us of one important thing: it is not over. Addiction loves to convince us there is nothing good ahead. It spotlights death and pointlessness.
And it sets us up for another unrealistic lie:
“I should be cured already.”
But, deep down we all know it’s more complicated than instantaneous healing. Piggybacking Matthew 12’s description of the bruised reed, we need to take that into account when it comes to our addiction and recovery. The bruise is a wound under the surface.
“The Heart Knows Its Own Bitterness.”
Likewise, trauma and difficult issues are often hidden from view.
“The heart knoweth his own bitterness; and a stranger doth not intermeddle with his joy.”
Proverbs 14:10
It takes diligent work; it takes uncovering. It takes our vested interest in our transparent recovery.
We cannot mistake the supernatural for the unrealistic.
That may contradict the faith stance. After all, doesn’t the supernatural defy our everyday circumstances?
Yes, it can. But it still doesn’t change or replace the necessary work we need to do. There’s a saying within the faith community: “don’t lose your healing.”
It’s common sense. If we are doing something harmful, if we get a reprieve, a merciful rescue or a clean bill of health, those realities do not grant us license to return to destruction and expect to still have a healthy outcome.
“Let all things be done decently and in order.”
1 Corinthians 14:40
The Most High will do many things for us. But if we want to overburden the concept of “miracle,” we are gambling and should not expect carte blanche concerning what we now know to be wrong.
Our perceptions, no matter how appealing, will not undo this spiritual theory of gravity. We can choose to jump from a skyscraper. It won’t change the consequence we will be pulled down by natural gravitational forces.
We have to humbly become aware of our perceptions. We are not too clever to avoid being misled by them.
And, if we look at how our perceptions can lead us into dangerous waters, we must also see the other side of that coin as well.
Our perceptions- or, more specifically, the stubbornness concerning our perceptions- may hinder us. Where’s the good news in that concept?
Well, if we’re humble and willing to face and change things, imagine what power resides in a different choice and a different behavior. Imagine the power which comes from a different perception (Isaiah 55:8-9).
There is more than one side to the story. And that, perhaps, is one of the greatest challenges to the addict’s beloved addiction.
“For now we see through a glass, darkly...”
1 Corinthians 13:12
There’s a better, a different way. How are we willing to see things?
Is our perception serving us well? Or is there something else beyond our finite sight and selves?
I think it’s worth it to say yes.
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse