Toxic Alchemy
Lemons into lemonade. Making the best of it. Turning things around. We have all heard about it. We have all tried to accomplish it within our own lives.
But, at what point does that kind of mentality go from positive and healthy to dangerous and unhealthy? Perhaps, even the best, most educated and enlightened of us have now engaged in dark magical thinking.
And any alchemy we think we’re practicing is toxic. It damages us and others, knowingly or unknowingly. We are all susceptible to falling into it. We believe lies, most of them self-told. Things like…
When It’s Perfect…
Way to get things off to a completely unrealistic start, huh? Perfect gets the toxic alchemy going by presenting itself as the ever-moving target, the marker of achievement, the prerequisite of the spotless setup. Perfectionism demands nothing less than a superhuman, unattainable standard. We can’t, we won’t, and we don’t achieve it. Why not? Because we’re finite, flawed, and limited by pesky things called time and humanity.
I had a family member who once heavily employed the perfectionistic mandate in her toxic alchemy. She insisted she would set up her art studio when a particular family goal was realized. And then, when it happened, she moved the goalpost.
Now, she insisted, a perfect life was all about a weight loss goal.
However, failing to realize that accomplishment for herself, she next shifted gears, creating a new obstacle: waiting for her spouse to die and “free” her of all restrictions and shackles.
Yeah.
This last bit of toxic alchemy literally had her waiting for someone to die so she could be happy.
(If that isn’t dark magical thinking, I don’t know what is).
She waited, and waited, and waited for life circumstances to organize themselves as perfect for her. Then she would do X, Y, Z. But the whole alphabet came and went. And her life passed her by. She was miserable the entire time.
There is a theory which asserts, “if you wait for everything to be perfect, you’ll never get anything done.” Anyone else out there get convicted a little bit by that?
Anyone else, under the guise of being perfect, in any way, simply using it as a cover to procrastinate? To avoid something terrifying and uncomfortable? To simply put off something we aren’t passionate about in the first place, just merely telling ourselves that we are?
Again, self-told lies are often the biggest whoppers of deception we believe concerning ourselves.
Perfect does not perfect the dark magical thinking. It’s still toxic.
When It Gets Better…
Much like the perfectionism lie, the hope of things getting better can do some major damage by having us hang onto a situation that we should have, long ago, given up on.
Let’s be real. We don’t like to think about doing that, let alone, take the action required to let go, to sever, to change. That possesses too much confrontational pain. And, unless we are sadists, most of us don’t like pain. We do whatever we can to avoid it. Procrastination, once again, pops up as a coping tool. Like the fictional character, Scarlett O’Hara, we’ll “think about that tomorrow.”
And tomorrow never comes.
And while tomorrow is failing to show up, we hold onto hope, toxic hope (how convenient), that IF this person, place, or thing just somehow, all on its own “gets better,” then we will, of course, be happy.
We believe the toxic alchemy of the external, “other” form of esteem. We give it power. We can give it our entire lives.
A friend of mine was in this predicament. She believed a career goal would answer her life. Her marriage was in tatters. She had not been to therapy to address her personal issues of low self-esteem and poor choices. Yet she clung tightly to this career goal manifesting itself, somehow, magically “making everything better.” She achieved that much-desired ambition. But her marital and personal issues were neither healed, nor solved, by it.
She still had more work to do, much to her dismay.
And that’s the universal bummer, isn’t it? We still need to do the work, regardless if we realize a goal or dream. Indeed, many of us can use that object of our desire as a distraction to deal with our lives. Yet our lives keep creeping back in on us.
Any of our attempts at alchemy won’t change that. The most it could probably do is offer a temporary Band-aid or further complicate our lives.
Either way, we cannot escape ourselves, no matter how hard we try.
It’s Not So Bad…
Magical thinking can easily turn into toxic alchemy if we harbor delusions that an unsafe or an unhealthy situation simply isn’t that way at all. How many of us have endured abuse, simply, because we’ve rationalized “it’s not that bad,” say, because we have not been beaten… or beaten “that often?”
An acquaintance of mine once stayed in domestic violence with her husband. She was beaten by him, on a regular basis, including when she was pregnant with each of her three children. Yet she told herself “it wasn’t that bad,” because her children were not struck. “Only she” was.”
“Only she was.”
As if that lessens the brutality. If she was the only person being physically and emotionally harmed, that was acceptable, in her estimation.
Yet, what she didn’t quite realize was that her children were being harmed as they witnessed the violence. That is abuse also, being a helpless bystander. That’s what children in abusive dynamics so often are: helpless, powerless bystanders.
No one got out of this unscathed. In fact, these children grew up to have issues with drugs, law enforcement, and personal relationships. One child, not altogether surprisingly, became an abuser himself.
Sadly, the domestic violence cycle has continued into the next generation.
We so often can make harmful conditions seemingly harmless; we want to see it that way. We want “happily ever after” fairytales instead of ugly truth.
But, often times, truth is ugly, and not interested, whatsoever, in our fairytale desires.
Choosing to place hope in our toxic alchemy efforts does not eradicate the harmful situation. Sometimes, it allows it to flourish even more. Damage is happening. And how much are we cosigning that, all believing something, which is devastating and even life-threatening, is “not that bad?”
It Is What It Is…
Radical acceptance.
Even when it’s ugly. Even when it’s painful. Even when it’s uncomfortable.
Radical acceptance breaks the spell we have placed upon ourselves. “Happily ever after,” yes, would be preferred. Ideal. But realistic and doable? That’s another thing entirely.
There can come a tremendous power when you and I face the dragon head on, look it in the eyes, and accept that our life circumstances are not what we wish them to be.
It’s not about defeat or resignation. It’s about managing the imperfect, which, by the way, is what you and I are doing at any given point in our lives. There is no perfection; there is only flawed reality. How we handle that reality, uniquely and personally, is often what makes the difference for us.
That should be the alchemy we employ. That, perhaps, can create a quality life much better if we do.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
The first bully’s the deepest.
A lot of us have been bullied.
Most of us have had enough experiences of playground tortures from a kid who seemed to make it their personal mission to terrorize us daily. Cyberbullying now, unfortunately, has taken this torture to the next level.
When we think of a bully, chances are that a fellow peer is who comes first to our minds.
But there is another “P-word.”
Parent.
For many of us, that is our first bully.
Our mothers or our fathers.
The first governs the rest.
That principle illustrates how the template, displayed for us, carries a lot of power affecting and influencing all other relationships and “bully-specific” incidents we are predisposed to, much like health conditions that run in the family.
If a parent is the first bully, that exposes us to harmful, toxic conditions for future bullies.
How did the first bully, a parent, set us up for some dysfunctional life complications?
Well…
How many of us…
…learned that we deserve to be abused and mistreated, for reasons like weight, appearance, performance, or perceived weaknesses?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned we are unlovable?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that we aren’t safe…ever?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that we aren't good enough… ever?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that we are stupid?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that we are ugly?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that there is something hopelessly, eternally, wrong with us?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that we have no right to bodily autonomy and individuality?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that we cannot say “no?”
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that we deserve abuse, bullying, mistreatment, disrespect, and neglect?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…experienced someone laughing at, minimizing, and worsening our pain, fear, and struggle?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that how they mistreat us is the only constant we will experience in our lives?
Our first bully taught us that.
These are just some examples of what our parents, the first bullies, can teach us.
These are just some examples of toxic core beliefs we are left to grapple with.
The first bully’s the deepest.
It can be a great mystery for us to tackle the genesis of our issues, anxieties, depressions, and pain.
It’s not to oversimplify and “blame it all on the parents.” There are many layers of the complicated onion we need to peel back.
But many of us out there, indeed, can trace it back to that one parent.
How did they interact with us?
What level of cruelty, neglect, and harm did they subject us to?
Self-compassion is in order, a concept that is foreign and strange to us.
The simple answer? There is no quick, easy, or simple answer.
Perspective, reframing, support, (probably) lots and lots of therapy, and time are all tools that help.
The first bully is hard and painful to heal from.
We need to honor, celebrate, recognize, and be gentle as we heal.
That’s part of the healing answer to this painful bullying.
The first of its kind.
Blood can be more painful than water.
But we can tend to our bleeding.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
