The first bully’s the deepest.
A lot of us have been bullied.
Most of us have had enough experiences of playground tortures from a kid who seemed to make it their personal mission to terrorize us daily. Cyberbullying now, unfortunately, has taken this torture to the next level.
When we think of a bully, chances are that a fellow peer is who comes first to our minds.
But there is another “P-word.”
Parent.
For many of us, that is our first bully.
Our mothers or our fathers.
The first governs the rest.
That principle illustrates how the template, displayed for us, carries a lot of power affecting and influencing all other relationships and “bully-specific” incidents we are predisposed to, much like health conditions that run in the family.
If a parent is the first bully, that exposes us to harmful, toxic conditions for future bullies.
How did the first bully, a parent, set us up for some dysfunctional life complications?
Well…
How many of us…
…learned that we deserve to be abused and mistreated, for reasons like weight, appearance, performance, or perceived weaknesses?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned we are unlovable?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that we aren’t safe…ever?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that we aren't good enough… ever?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that we are stupid?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that we are ugly?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that there is something hopelessly, eternally, wrong with us?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that we have no right to bodily autonomy and individuality?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that we cannot say “no?”
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that we deserve abuse, bullying, mistreatment, disrespect, and neglect?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…experienced someone laughing at, minimizing, and worsening our pain, fear, and struggle?
Our first bully taught us that.
How many of us…
…learned that how they mistreat us is the only constant we will experience in our lives?
Our first bully taught us that.
These are just some examples of what our parents, the first bullies, can teach us.
These are just some examples of toxic core beliefs we are left to grapple with.
The first bully’s the deepest.
It can be a great mystery for us to tackle the genesis of our issues, anxieties, depressions, and pain.
It’s not to oversimplify and “blame it all on the parents.” There are many layers of the complicated onion we need to peel back.
But many of us out there, indeed, can trace it back to that one parent.
How did they interact with us?
What level of cruelty, neglect, and harm did they subject us to?
Self-compassion is in order, a concept that is foreign and strange to us.
The simple answer? There is no quick, easy, or simple answer.
Perspective, reframing, support, (probably) lots and lots of therapy, and time are all tools that help.
The first bully is hard and painful to heal from.
We need to honor, celebrate, recognize, and be gentle as we heal.
That’s part of the healing answer to this painful bullying.
The first of its kind.
Blood can be more painful than water.
But we can tend to our bleeding.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse