Claim That Reverence!
“Whatever claims reverence risks ridicule.”
C.S. Lewis
What is sacred, valuable, and worthwhile? How many times has it been mocked and devalued?
I’m not talking about satire. I’m talking about those deeply personal things to us that have been attacked, judged, and criticized.
We’re told it’s wrong.
Not allowed. Forbidden. Sin. Impractical. Unrealistic. Childish.
Recognize any of these words? Others may have used such words around something that means a lot to you. Feeling judged for its place of importance in your life?
Shame and guilt are all too-common tactics utilized to control and change us. It’s not about a matter of “decency.” It is about what is preferable and comfortable in someone else’s eyes, and their need to impose their values, opinions, and actions on us.
We’re told it’s not enough.
“There’s a better way.”
“You’re doing it all wrong.”
“Why can’t you just be like us, doing it just like us?”
Ever hear those kinds of things?
When something is valuable and important to us, many times, other people have tried to discourage us by insisting how it is lacking something. It is not enough. What means the most to us, what deeply reflects who we are as unique individuals, is NOT enough.
Most of the time, when we encounter those kinds of judge-y statements, it’s from a place of projection. Someone else feels insecure and subpar about themselves and what they’re doing. Instead of dealing with those issues for themselves, they sidle up to us, perhaps, enjoying and ripping into something that means a great deal to us.
It’s too much work, in their own minds, to improve their own lives; it’s so much easier to just take apart someone’s else’s situation instead. Now that’s fun.
Pop the popcorn. It’s time for their personal amusement. Congratulations! Your misery is their entertainment.
We’re told it’s silly/frivolous/stupid.
We are misunderstood. What’s important to us is misunderstood.
That’s the short, simple answer.
What seems to be more complicated of an answer is that a rigid, status quo-, often fear-fueled way of living and choice making is threatened.
“That’s not how we do things around here.”
The subtext of that statement, however, communicates the message that “it” is not “legitimate.” And what’s often the opposite of that legitimate designation? Silly. Stupid. Not worth doing. Not worth choosing. Not worth being.
Being “legitimate,” being the normal status quo, however, is the way that’s credible, worthy of love, attention, money, and the benefits of life.
Accept no substitute.
Harsh, isn’t it?
Claim That Reverence! What Do We Say/Think About It?
What does that thing that signifies meaning or significance look like to us? Why do we believe we cannot or should not have it be that for us?
We need to focus on not getting talked out of personal meaning when it comes to that “thing” that is so important, it occupies a place of reverence. It’s individual, subjective, valid, and it has a right to exist in our lives. Many of us have been discouraged into believing what matters to us has no right to exist or mean what it means to us. We have been pressured into giving up or conforming to another person’s or system’s agenda.
We don’t need to get anyone’s else’s permission to justify its importance to us. It means what it means.
Claim your reverence. End of story.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
The Little Successes
Let’s talk about the “s-word,” shall we?
Success.
Anyone uncomfortable and uneasy?
A lot of us out there don’t have a healthy estimation of the concept of this “s-word.”
Many of us have endured abuse, perfectionism, disordered body issues, and poor self-image.
This sweet cat image, declaring, “Me celebrating the little successes,” can be a reminder to employ a realistic approach whenever we navigate some difficult, painful, and treacherous circumstances.
Kitty has its paws in the air, surrounded by little hearts.
What keeps us from sharing this feline perspective?
The definition of success…
First, it can come down to our skewed definition of the word itself…
“the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.”
Accomplishment. Aim. Purpose. These can all be large-ticket concepts, all-but-impossible to undertake, let alone, to fulfill.
A large part of that struggle, perhaps, has to do with the emotionally-charged expectations attached to those words. At first look, this dictionary definition, can look bland and objective.
But we are subjective beings, infusing the success concept with our personal fears, hurts, and, of course, egos.
We then move into another strata of why we have difficulty with “the little successes…”
We think success looks a certain way.
Focus can be a good thing in life.
But when it becomes a set of myopic horse blinders, limited to some very specific, narrow examples, now, there can be increased pressure.
And there can be the increased possibility for failure. These specific success examples are too unrealistic. Things like…
“I will be a millionaire by the time I’m twenty-five years old.”
“I will lose weight (list a certain weight) by this time, and for the rest of my life.”
“I will show them and prove them all wrong.”
“I will be married and have exactly four children, two boys, two girls.”
These are some precise and detailed examples of “success.”
But what happens if we never become a millionaire, at twenty-five, or at any other age?
What happens if our weight loss goals, and our very specific body aesthetic never materialize?
What happens if our childhood bullies and abusers never get how wrong they were when they mistreated us?
What if we never get married and/or never have those four children? What if we are a single parent to one or two? What if those kids are only boys or are only girls?
Then what?
If other outcomes, besides our rigid examples happen in our lives, do we consider these results to be successes or failures?
Why do we demand that success MUST be in only a specific way? Why is this so important?
Why can’t we allow for other plans?
It can often stem from our belief in the faulty promise that “this” will make us happy.
And “this” is designed to disappoint.
We think success MUST be BIG!
Why is success only considered success if it’s big and dramatic?
It must be a certain over-the-top kind of relationship. It must be a certain epic kind of career. It must be a certain glorious child. It must be a certain beautiful image. It must be a certain impressive financial figure. It must be a certain body aesthetic.
We think success must be perfect.
This “Must” quality taps into perfectionism. What we focus on MUST be flawless. No room for mistakes, blemishes, and inconveniences.
We set up unrealistic expectations for a goal. What- and whomever- that may be, desiring and waiting for perfect wish fulfillment.
“Perfect” implies/requires completeness, a specific result that shows up in a particular way.
So, if that is the requirement, unrealistic as it may be, we can decide for ourselves that anything short of that is failure.
It will not do. It’s not good enough.
Small successes are only viewed, then, as large failures. Severe, black-and-white thinking, but firmly held in our belief systems, nonetheless.
This can also arrive from yet another unrealistic expectation of success: it’s a “one and done” thing.
Nothing gradual, step by step, missteps, included.
Nothing that is nuanced.
Nothing that unfolds over time.
Just right here, right now, complete. Success is a one-time thing only.
We think we are incapable of success.
Low self-esteem. Poor self-image. Feeling only invalidated by our efforts and expressions.
Most of us have had very few markers of success. And often, we have existed within a toxic, unsupported environment.
Therefore, it’s usually not too long before we decide, for ourselves, that we are only failures, never successes.
How, then, could we ever see any victory, small or otherwise?
Go big or go home only? That’s not exactly encouraging, is it?
Little IS Big!
I once saw a picture of a tortoise with the caption attached to it: “Never discourage anyone who is making progress, no matter how slow it’s happening.”
Slow. Little. It’s basically communicating the same thing: incremental progress.
Tiny baby steps, happening at a slow pace.
But it is still progress being made. That’s what often gets lost as we live, make choices, make mistakes, and try.
A victory is a victory. Success is a success, at any size. It’s personal, meaningful, and real.
It’s always worth celebrating.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
The Little Successes are Still Successes. | elephant journal
Boundary Power
The word, “Boundary” is a scary word. It carries intimidation with it. It can feel impossible. It can feel painful. It can feel uncomfortable.
Let’s face it, very few of us are really excited at employing a boundary for ourselves. The word, “Boundary” has come with a tricky reputation. It’s often associated with the negative, the unpleasant, and the painful.
We tell ourselves certain negative things about boundary setting and keeping.
Things like…
“I’m Not Safe Doing It.”
This statement is not without just cause so many times.
Some of us trauma and abuse survivors often were not safe when it came to the boundary issue and displeasing or challenging a harmful, toxic person.
Instead of receiving the validation of hearing and responding with respect and affirmation to our boundary, usually, the harmful and abusive person we’re dealing with rages, threatens, and hurts us in a variety of ways.
Punishment is the response to our boundary, not respect, not seeing our right to privacy and autonomy.
A kind of “How dare you say no to/disobey/defy me?” angry question is emitted in our direction. We learn it’s not safe to say “no,” to be contrary to the toxic person.
Permission To Be Safe.
We are entitled to feel safe. There’s no disputing this.
It’s a right each of us should have.
We should have the experience of feeling secure, of not needing to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn when it comes to our homes, our families, and any situation in life.
We should not have to deal with being “punished” for asserting a boundary. That is not discipline or “teaching us a lesson.” That is abuse.
Feeling threatened, scared of getting hurt, and feeling like we are being coerced into doing something that violates our conscience and dignity?
It’s all abuse.
Safety is not something we need to earn. It’s an essential human right. Boundary setting and keeping should never be a situation in which that is up for discussion.
“I’m Not Good at It.”
This is another negative thing we tell ourselves when it comes to boundaries. A lot of us have been repeatedly told we’re stupid, incompetent, and not enough.
Eventually, that translates into the belief we cannot successfully have the boundaries that we need to respect and protect ourselves. We feel that we’re not up to the task.
And that belief can get further reinforced, as, in any of our timid attempts to speak up for ourselves, we are only met with hostility, intimidation, and more disempowerment.
We learn that we are failures. We learn that we don’t have enough value.
We learn that lesson because, in that situation, and within the cumulative impact of situation after situation, it solidifies how we have not mastered this ability perfectly, then and there.
How many of us have wound up hurt, devastated, and feeling demoralized, because our boundary attempts did not go according to plan?
What plan was that?
The perfectly accomplished boundary plan that would produce “happily ever after,” safety, and freedom from any additional confrontation, uncomfortable moment, or pain?
We Have Permission To Be Capable.
We are allowed to participate in “on the job training” when it comes to boundaries.
Many of us, however, are only too familiar with an impatient abuser who demands we do something perfectly RIGHT NOW!
There is no patience. There is no understanding that learning is on a spectrum, often filled with mistakes during the process. There is no room for error.
It gets drilled into us that we must perform perfectly as soon as possible. There’s no room for development.
Straight out of the gate, perfect! Exact! Precise! And done to the specification of the harmful/dysfunctional person barking out those orders.
We have the permission to be capable, during an imperfect process of learning and making mistakes. And that also applies to the issue of boundary setting and keeping.
Most of us are uncomfortable and unfamiliar with how saying “no” feels. We can only relate to agreeing to an immediate “yes.”
But we will have clunky “no’s” and awkward moments in which a boundary we attempted may have seemed tentative, fear-filled, lacking confidence, and ineffective. It requires practice, like anything else in life. No two boundary situations will be exactly alike.
There will be setbacks, but there will also be improving strides and successes as well. It will take time. It will be daily.
It will involve repetition, as there are various circumstances and people to “practice” on.
So, practice!
And practice imperfectly, knowing that you and I are getting better- and more capable- with that practice.
“I’m Not Worth It.”
A root issue that underscores everything is our self-worth, or rather, our absent or severely damaged self-worth.
Many of us have believed lies that we only deserve abuse, mistreatment, exploitation, and to be used for another’s purposes, regardless of our thoughts, feelings, or individual plans for our own lives.
We Have Permission To Be Valuable.
You and I are inherently worthy. That truth doesn’t change if we have been designated “the scapegoat,” “the black sheep,” “the problem child,” or “good- for- nothing.”
We have permission to “re-label” ourselves as valuable. We deserve love. We deserve dignity. We deserve respect. We deserve being treated well, not poorly.
They’re Guardrails for the Self.
Boundaries are not a punishment, although, many times, it’s feels like that for us.
Boundaries, instead, are the protective guardrails, for our safety and well-being.
Sadly, many of us are not accustomed to having those two critical things honored and protected. We are told it is wrong for us to self-protect, to look out for and to reverence what is valuable, unique, and special about us.
We are often told we have no right to ourselves. We are here for other, at the expense of ourselves.
It's a dangerous and harmful message, tearing down any guardrails we are inherently entitled to. Our purpose, and our connection to other people, should not come at the cost of sacrificing our own boundaries.
I’m not talking about the rare and extreme situation of a life-or-death circumstance, like saving someone from a burning building.
I’m talking about the day in, day out, constant, and subtle dripping effect of slowly, but surely, letting our lives ebb away with each disintegrated boundary.
We are not meant to live the lives of mandatory martyrs, killing ourselves spiritually, emotionally, mentally, financially, and yes, physically, so that someone else can profit from taking advantage of us.
Why are we more expendable than someone else?
Why are our lives less important than another person’s life?
Boundaries challenge that lie. Boundaries declare our existence, our importance, and our right to simply be.
Too many of us have had to beg for permission to set and maintain boundaries. We do not need permission. We need to claim the power of the boundary.
It belongs to each of us.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
Fresh Sheets
Being present. Self-care. Smelling the roses.
We are encouraged to experience joy in “the little things.”
I recently came across an adorable gif of a lizard, shimmying into some sand, to camouflage itself. The caption read: “When you got fresh sheets.”
How many of us wish we could be that lizard when it comes to the simple things in life? How many of us cannot enjoy the small pleasures because we cannot shut our minds off?
As I’ve watched this gif hundreds of times (yeah, hundreds), I have noticed a few things that could, perhaps, translate from lizard to us.
First, there was the presence of a big ole’ grin.
Whether it was because of its natural appearance, or genuine joy and excitement at the prospect of sand, this lizard had what looks like a silly wide grin on its face.
And that reminded me about the mirror work I’ve been encouraged to do in therapy, twice a day. Ideally, I’m supposed to look into the mirror, smile, and enthusiastically give positive affirmations, granting myself permission to participate in healthier choices. The smile isn’t always genuine. It’s sometimes forced; it’s a pasted expression on my face, going through the motions.
The smile is still important. Why? Maybe because it registers recognition, pleasure, “mirroring” that validation back to us, even if it is our own reflection doing that validation.
The smile is akin to the friendliest Golden Retriever greeting a human being with love, acceptance, excitement, and joy.
So, yes, that big ‘ole grin is important. We can fully be aware that sometimes, we’re forcing the smile during this mirror work. We can say under our breath, “I am smiling, but I don’t believe it or feel it right now.”
Still, the smile communicates something to our reflection.
And you and I are worth our own smile. It signifies what we deserve.
And eventually, our smile will become authentic.
“Shimmy and dig in” comes next.
Looking at this in-the-moment lizard shows the viewer its shimmying skills. This creature is into it. There is an enthusiasm, a wiggle, employing its entire body, as it buries itself in the sand.
It is all about this enthusiastic moment… and there is a lesson here.
When was the last time you and I were so enthusiastic, in the moment? When was the last time we really got into something? Reading? Writing? A sport? An artistic endeavor? Yes, even fresh, clean, cool sheets?
Many of us have lived lives of shame, abuse, and heaviness. Any sense of joy or enthusiasm has been snuffed out, or, at least, severely curtailed. A lot of us feel guilty for simple “enjoying.” Some of us don’t know how to do it.
But we are worth the simple pleasures; we are worth those “frivolous” things that spark happiness, peace, and personal connection with ourselves. It’s not sin, bad, or wrong for us to enjoy “a moment.”
Start shimmying.
“Shake Your Head, Darling!”
José Eber is a famous hairstylist, who was instrumental in creating Farrah Fawcett’s winged coiffure. He was known for saying, “Shake Your Head, Darling!” He encouraged people to enjoy feeling the movement of their own hair.
Looking at the lizard gif, we see this critter settling into the sand. There’s some shimmying going on, butt-wiggling, and grinning happening. This lizard also has prominent Yoda ears. “Shake Your Head, Darling” seems to, indeed, be the sentiment, as, before completely disappearing into the sand, we see our lizard friend, shaking those Yoda ears. The head shake is the joy of a Beagle hanging its head outside the car window, letting the breeze whip through its floppy ears, as the car ride moves through traffic.
It is sensory validation.
And that is what we need. Not sensory overload, to the point of checking out in a Clockwork Orange kind of way, but rather, the recognition that yes, we are enjoying our senses: what we see, hear, feel, touch, taste, and smell. It is to take in the moment, letting the wind touch us, feeling it on our skin and through our hair, fully allowing ourselves to “Shake Your Head, Darling!”
Being out of touch with our bodies and our senses can create anxiety and an un-ease, with no joy present.
So, yes, the desired approach is the lizard approach. This creature is not analyzing the happiness that comes from the head shake. But the lizard is doing it, nonetheless. It feels good.
“Shake Your Head, Darling!” (in the feel-good- of- this- joy-of-the-moment thing).
It’s that, and we need that. Headshaking, Yoda ears in the breeze. We need that.
Get Immersed:
As much as we must deal with heavy- duty issues, like abuse and addiction, as they impact our lives, we also need lightness, fun, and joy. We need to get immersed in present-day simple pleasures. We need to stop and feel life moments around us and happening directly to us. Life moments, like a child’s laugh, wind through our hair, the fragrance of a flower, a blue sky, the list goes on.
Cliché sounding. But true, all the same.
The happy lizard, enjoying its immersion into the sand, reminds us of simple pleasures. Too often, this concept is regarded more as a want, or a luxury, rather than a need. But a case can be made for that need in our lives.
We need to enjoy when we have fresh sheets.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
Enjoying the Fresh Sheet Moment reminds of the importance of simple pleasures. | elephant journal
Finding Our Leaving Feet
“Why do you stay?”
“Why can’t you just leave?”
These questions can be aimed at anyone who’s in an abusive and toxic relationship or situation. There’s a kind of blame attached in asking these things of a person, somehow, making the target of the abuse to blame and responsible for the harmful treatment of them.
Those questions can make someone who already feels trapped in their circumstances feel even more hopeless and debilitated.
Here's another question, perhaps, to offer, asked from a trauma therapist:
“How old are you when you can’t leave?”
Wow. Hmmm. Makes you think about things in a new way, maybe?
The question confronts how a child’s perspective may be influencing that “stay or go” issue. And how many of us would think to blame a helpless child?
Exactly.
Why do we stay?
A possible explanation…
We don’t know what we don’t know.
If we have grown up in abuse and dysfunction, this is “normal.” This is all we know. Healthy love, boundaries, and respect are not anything we’ve been taught. We don’t know we are supposed to have those things in our lives.
We don’t know that there are other ways to live, apart from abuse.
We don’t know what we don’t know.
Finding Our Leaving Feet…
How do we leave if we don’t know we can?
Education, no matter how accidentally it occurs, can open our limited, toxic world, even if only by a crack. The point we can arrive at, however, whenever, or wherever we are in life, is to take the education, informing us that “there is another way,” and to take baby steps from there. Shaming and blaming ourselves will not serve us.
We must give ourselves the grace and the thought that we are doing the best we can.
“When we know better, we do better,” to quote Dr. Maya Angelou here.
That is the place to start from and build from there.
And we are building. No one is static. We can know something different than toxicity. There IS hope.
Why don’t we leave? Another explanation…
We are scared.
Fear.
Paralyzing, overwhelming, sometimes, life-threatening, fear.
It’s legitimate, not to be underestimated or dismissed.
We have often learned fear as part of our “normal,” groomed and entrenched in abuse and dysfunction. Many of us have been battered. Bruises, broken bones, as well as verbal and emotional intimidation have often been far too common tactics used against us by toxic and abusive individuals. With such high stakes, and such extreme realities, fear has often kept us alive, although it doesn’t appear to be a life anyone would want to live.
We do what we can to simply stay alive: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Finding Our Leaving Feet…
We first need to admit- and honor-our fear.
That fear, for so long kept us alive. We learned to hide, run, navigate, and deal with abuse by, yes, many maladaptive ways of coping.
But those ways of coping often kept us alive. We are still here.
We need to honor that, even if those coping strategies, then, have caused complications now.
Still, we got out.
Sometimes, that “getting out” can be defined as not succumbing to the sick system mentally and emotionally. Physically, we might still be there, even to this day.
If that’s the case, beating ourselves for that reality will do us no good. There is no shame for this painful and difficult reality. We do the best we can. Survival mode is enough; it is good enough, if escape and thriving seem still so far from reach.
Next, when it comes to our “Leaving Feet,” we recognize that there is power, merit, and improvement, even if we take a tiny step still very much in the grips of fear.
That tiny step? A domestic violence shelter, a trusted person’s couch, searching the internet for information on safety plans.
Life can still change, even while we’re afraid. Too many of us have believed our fear is a hopeless death sentence to a better life. It is not. Fear can be fuel.
Let’s remember to use that fuel, feeling the fear or not.
“Why do you stay?”
“Why can’t you just leave?”
A potential answer to why we stay, to why we don’t leave?
We love an unhealthy person.
We love them.
They are family, parents, children, spouses, friends. We love them as those significant people in our lives. And these significant people, unfortunately for us, are unhealthy.
Everyone has faults, quirks, and habitual ways of behaving. But being involved with, and loving, toxic and harmful people is different than that.
It is a chronic dance of dysfunction that can negatively impact our daily lives.
Stress, depression, feeling overextended, as well as enduring detrimental consequences for these individuals’ behaviors, like having to bail someone out of jar, always giving them money, and staying silent or covering up for their abusive behaviors, all take their toll on us. We are depleted spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially. Some of us can develop health issues like cancers or heart conditions due to the constant survival mode we are forced to endure.
And we endure because we love them.
Loving someone who is unhealthy is an excruciating situation.
It’s no simple solution to just “shut off” that love. We can love them, even if that means it will cost us our lives.
Tragic, but all too true.
Finding Our Leaving Feet…
It’s a painful, scary, and lonely walk away from the people we love. Deep bonds and connections, over time, have created an environment for toxic guilt and shame to play with our emotions.
We are overrun by “should’s.”
“I should stay.”
“I should be loyal.”
“I should stay with them forever.”
(All are variations on the explanation, “because I love them”).
However, we don’t quite see some of the “should not’s” that directly apply to us to and to our welfare. Things like…
“I should not be abused.”
“I should not be exploited.”
“I should not be harmed.”
(“because I love them”).
“Finding our leaving feet” can begin when we make that shift from “should” to “should not,” with the emphasis on our health and welfare.
And sometimes, it can come down to asking a seemingly, simple question…
“Is this safe and healthy for me?”
Is it?
The conditions that we endure in a relationship are the stark realities.
What are they?
Getting hit or screamed at?
Being controlled financially?
Soaking our money and energy into their messes and needs?
Are those things “safe and healthy” for us, regardless of how those things affect and benefit the toxic person?
Yes… or no?
“Finding our leaving feet” can begin when we face and honestly answer those questions.
“Finding Our Leaving Feet” doesn’t happen overnight.
“Why do you stay?”
“Why can’t you just leave?”
One step at a time.
Before we eyeroll too much at that statement, let’s get a reality check here.
The dysfunctional situation we have been immersed in, be it family of origin, romantic relationship, or any other dynamic that placed us in harm’s way, typically, took time to develop. We were “groomed,” “conditioned,” “trained,” and “stripped” of our authentic selves and our personal power.
It was not a “one and done.” It was daily, repetitious, and relentless. It was confusing, filled with hypocrisy and mixed messages.
So, that “undoing” will take some deprogramming.
Being patient and compassionate with ourselves concerning this process is necessary here and now. We have, for too long, been at the mercy of accusatory, shaming, and abusive questions and tactics.
“Finding our leaving feet,” gradually, consistently, at our own unrushed pace, can be the decidedly self-empowering, loving, and healthy tactic when we seek to improve our lives.
We may not be the sprinting gazelle; we may be the crawling turtle, instead.
It’s okay. We are moving.
Don’t let these questions shame and stop you…
“Why do you stay?”
“Why can’t you just leave?”
Embrace your movement, whatever little movement it appears to be.
You’ll find your feet moving in a better direction.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
