What “Fine” Really Means
“How are you?”
“Fine.”
We hear a lot about living with authenticity these days. We’re encouraged to stay in integrity and to live honestly. Yet, when it comes to this, seemingly, benign word of “Fine,” we often are doing the exact opposite.
Fine is not fine. It tends to be code for so much more, serious states and conditions which need to be directly addressed and dealt with for what they are.
Like the image, pictured here, we see the true meaning behind the response…
…Broken…Useless…Alone…Fragile…Anxious…Lonely…Empty…Bitter…Defeated…Never good enough…
The list is as varied and as unique as the person emitting the “fine” response.
Still, if these states of being are truly our reality, what we’re experiencing, why do we feel the need to cover them with the “f-word?”
We believe it’s just too difficult or too painful to get into.
Getting real and honest about major issues in our lives is scary. Things like addiction and abuse, for instance, can make us want to evade discussion. We can believe that talking about it makes it real. And that is frightening to us. We dread the fallout, the confrontation and the necessary changes that will be required of us for “opening a can of worms.”
Therefore, “fine” can serve as the cork we stop the bottle with. A one-word answer, somehow, in our minds, can keep reality at bay.
We want to punish (i.e., be passive-aggressive, display the silent treatment).
We’ve seen many comedic sketches about one spouse giving the other the silent treatment. Say, for example, the unsuspecting husband, unaware of how he has angered his wife, cluelessly asks, “Everything okay, Honey?”
And, of course, the wife responds with a snippy, “Fine!”
But we all know the true answer.
The wife may sulk, pout, slam doors, let out loud, huffing sighs- anything, except talking about the problem.
Whether or not we want to admit it, you and I have responded in this fashion. We are offended, hurt, upset. And, we want to make our offender pay. We want them to feel uncomfortable, maybe even afraid, guilty or ashamed. We resort, then, to using “Fine,” as a way of “making our point.”
But talking things out, adult to adult? Well, let’s be honest. That’s not nearly as rewarding or fun as the passive-aggressive tactic. The mature approach requires we take responsibility for our actions and our role in the situation.
Again, that’s not as much fun as a sharp, pointy “Fine!”
We want to protect others.
Plausible deniability, for many of us, can promise protection for those we love and care about. If we can convince ourselves, “it’s not that bad,” then maybe, it’s not.
“Fine,” therefore, sends the message, “Everything’s okay here. Nothing to see. All is well.”
But imperfect life cannot protect it from itself. Sooner or later, in one circumstance or another, life will happen to us. Death, illness, divorce, financial and legal challenges can all surface within our lives. And each one of these things require we deal with them, beyond the one-word, “Fine,” which addresses no pertinent, urgent information we need brought to the forefront. “Fine,” no matter how much we wish it were otherwise, does not cut it.
We want to protect ourselves.
Again, plausible deniability shows up. We try to self-soothe with, “It’s not that bad.”
In this situation, we feel threatened, in danger. We are the ones seeking the safety that “Fine” promises to deliver us.
We don’t want to deal with something. So, “Fine” becomes our self-protective, Stop Sign. Halt. Go no further. Do not cross. Everything is “fine.”
More than anything, we want to be safe.
We believe no one really cares.
The landscape looks desolate. We are alone. Therefore, in our deep pain, in our deep need, we conclude that no one cares. We don’t arrive at that conclusion automatically. Certainly, no one emerges from the womb with that idea innately implanted.
Instead, we accumulate experiences and lessons, over time, which seem to support that concept. And often, it’s couple with two dominant and screaming questions which are not answered satisfactorily…
“Why are you hurting me?”
“Why aren’t you helping me?”
Asking either of those questions, directly or silently, once or twice, is one thing. We can reason it’s a fluke, happenstance.
However, if we perceive a life of repeated, constant neglect of those questions, and of our very being, we can more easily determine that no one cares.
If they did, where are they?
Upon being resigned to this self-imposed fate that no one cares, we then resort to “Fine” as a response to our condition. We don’t see a point in engaging any further. Why should we? It yields no desirable results for connection.
Beyond Fine:
It’s easy for any of us to revert to the “fine” responses. It’s the quick way of shooing away things that are too uncomfortable and too painful. “Fine” is the necessary “brush off.”
But we cheat ourselves, as well as others, by doing this. We act with cowardice instead of brave integrity. We close ourselves off to possibility by reducing the more complicated feelings, like “Anxious,” “Lonely” or “Never good enough,” to that one blanket statement, “Fine.”
We bypass what’s going on, truly, within us if we pave over the deeper thoughts and feelings. It’s more convenient to mask them with an innocuous word, instead of acknowledging and working through them.
What if, when someone asks us, “How are you?”, we, instead, respond with something like, “I’m scared?” Now we’ve opened an opportunity for deeper, and yes, riskier communication and connection.
But it is worth it. It’s worth living a life that is not “fine.”
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
The Narcissist’s Master Cry
While working on an article concerning male body image, I came across this quote from Harry Houdini…
“…I want to be first, I vehemently want to be first…So, I have struggled and fought. I have done and abstained; I have tortured my body and risked my life only for that- to have one plank on the stage where the imitators cannot come, and one spot where they all fall back and cry, ‘Master!’”
Harry Houdini, in a 1910 interview, “Houdini, Tarzan and the Perfect Man: The White Male and the Challenge of Modernity in America” by John F. Kasson
It certainly spoke to body dysmorphia and performance-based mindsets.
But I also saw, within the quote, a strong connection to the “why” of Narcissistic behavior.
Yes, as I looked a little closer at the quote, breaking it down, I could see the blueprint, perhaps of Narcissistic behavioral choices.
They Want To Be First (Because They’ve Often Felt Last):
Look at the beginning of Houdini’s statement…
“…I want to be first, I vehemently want to be first…”
There’s nothing wishy-washy here. “First” is the objective, vehemently, in fact. Narcissists want that first place of distinction, power, and perks, because, often through some personal wounding, (like childhood abuse or trauma), they have often felt dead last when it comes to their importance.
It’s cliché, but still all too true. The driving “I’ll show them!” need compels them to enact vengeance and wield power, in, possibly, an attempt to erase all memory and experience of being a victim, themselves. They determine being first will heal their lives.
They are Fighters:
“…So, I have struggled and fought. I have done and abstained…”
Narcissists are fighters, feeling they have much to prove. There is no passivity to them. Sometimes, it looks like they may be all about a peaceful way of being. But look a little closer. You may find passive-aggressive instead of being authentically peaceful.
Regardless, they will fight and be Machiavellian in their approach to obtain what they desire. They are terrified and disdainful of the quiet contemplation and stillness that would better serve them, giving them insight. They’re not interested in insight. Narcissists are action oriented. They want their results. Period.
And unfortunately, that action may mean harm for the rest of us.
They Sacrifice To Justify Their Ends:
“…I have tortured my body and risked my life…”
Again, we’re back to their Machiavellian natures. The ends justify the means. Narcissists risk themselves and others. If there is something they want, anything and anyone are expendable.
Their need, therefore, equals their scheme.
Narcissists are risktakers. And they often do not discriminate between people, principles, and behaviors. They will do whatever they feel they need to do. Morality, ethics, and compassion pale in the face of “results.” Therefore, if a person, a marriage, a business, a relationship, mental, emotional, and physical well-being need to be sacrificed, then, so be it. And they will even risk themselves, knowingly or unknowingly, via careless, reckless, and dangerous behaviors.
They have a rigid definition of what reward or success is… and they will not change their minds.
“…only for that…”
It’s about the bigger, better deal.
Narcissists are often blinded by their passions and their goals. Nothing must get in the way of achieving them. “aspirational” is an understatement of a word to describe their mentality. Indeed, achievements, power, image, and material possessions are all more important than people, morality, and integrity.
Most Narcissists are horrible at relationships. Yes, they can charm people. Yes, they can manipulate. But intimacy, and honestly connecting, one-on-one, is not sustainable, probably, largely, because it is not the priority. Narcissists often see intimacy and vulnerability as weakness. Likewise, many of them view human relationships and things, as tools, as devices to get what they truly desire in life: the power, the wealth, the fame, the status.
Therefore, they assert…
“…only for that…”
They believe in the power of the payoff: “Master!”
“…to have one plank on the stage where the imitators cannot come, and one spot where they all fall back and cry, ‘Master!’”
Payoff is the end-all, be-all point to anything and anyone many Narcissists pursue.
And synonymous with that payoff, much of the time, is mastery, dominion, authority, power, and control. And, of course, obtaining these things can often position one in a place of admiration, adulation, and intimidating awe. In one way or another, a convincing argument is asserted by the Narcissist, in which “…they all fall back and cry, ‘Master!’”
Here is where a harmful lie is endorsed, both by the Narcissist and by the person (s) who perpetrate it: a certain person is better or worse than another. Hierarchy. We now have the tiered system of human value and worth at work, all based on whether or not any individual is, indeed, “Master.”
Think we’re too intelligent to fall for such a lie?
I give you one word: celebrity. Movies, television and reality shows, magazines, and all sorts of media and attention-seeking outlets are devoted to worshipping these individuals as “better,” as “Master.”
But it spreads beyond the world of fame. This principle can play out in our ordinary, mundane lives. It plays out because we, as human beings, have the capacity to believe anything about another person. We can believe the truth; we can believe the lie. We can believe there are people out there who are more important than we are. We can believe we don’t measure up, in any given capacity. We can believe Mastery is attainable and even excuses forms of exploitation and abuse.
Narcissists often take these factors and run with them. They are intoxicated by the lure of power, as well as the ease it so often exists as many of us are already too willing to do most of their work for them. If we readily subscribe value estimates of less than/more than, if we give credence to human hierarchy, then there’s little left for the Narcissist to do but claim themselves as “Master.” No one challenges it; no one dares challenge it.
It’s simply understood as fact, law, decree, truth.
Is It Worth It?
Houdini’s last words before dying were reportedly, "I'm tired of fighting... I do not want to fight anymore..."
Let that sink in for a moment.
All of us have the capability to exhibit Narcissistic tendencies. Some of us have full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, while others fall on varying degrees of the spectrum. Each of us can be self-indulgent, self-obsessed, and self-absorbed.
We like being first in line. Some of us like to fight. Some of us can be myopic about sacrifice for the sake of a greater goal. And yes, unflattering as it is, we can also have the tendency to forget another person’s humanity and only see them as objects or a means to an end. We want to be in control and feel our own sense of mastery and power in life.
Before we point a finger at our designated villain Narcissist, it would probably be helpful to do a little self-reflection of our own. When was the last time we let out our own Narcissistic cry, in thought, word, or deed?
And then, how do we then respond to that answer?
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
JADE
“No is a complete sentence.”
I have come across people who cannot accept my no, on various issues, including, but not limited to, being accommodating about doing what they wish instead of doing what’s best for me. Cancer has changed that because it had to change the acquiescence that I once gave others.
Twelve Step Recovery Programs often include the acronym, “J.A.D.E.”
And, since my diagnosis, I’ve discovered JADE has covered the bases, falling under the statement, “No is a complete sentence.”
I may be taken behind the woodshed and shot for that perspective.
How dare I?
How dare I be displeasing?
Yet, here I am, Ladies and Gentlemen, often placed on trial, asked to prove my case.
Therefore, JADE…
Justify:
Right after I was diagnosed, medical opinion asserted that a simple (hah, simple) Lumpectomy would be all that was necessary. Let’s schedule me, then, for that procedure.
So, when I informed my surgeon I decided differently, I was met with surprise. I decided to have the more radical, in some peoples’ minds, choice of a bilateral mastectomy.
Taken aback when I voiced my decision, my surgeon immediately asked me about my choice.
I gave my reasons which were personal, as this whole Breast cancer context is, indeed, personal. But, looking back on it now, I see it more as “I don’t need to justify myself to you; it’s my body.” My surgeon didn’t ask me about my decision for “health reasons.” After all, no matter what surgical procedure was performed, both would accomplish the same goal: to remove the cancerous tumor.
No, my surgeon wanted to know because it didn’t align itself with medical expectation, meaning, the surgeon would tell me the medical opinion of what was best… and I’d follow that decision, without question.
And no, that didn’t happen.
“No was a complete sentence to a Lumpectomy; “Yes,” however, was my complete sentence to removing my breasts.”
Done. I decided. And I would not change my mind.
What do you feel you need to justify to others? What you choose as a profession? Who you love? Being a non-conformist, in any way? Do you feel you need to justify your entire existence?
Be on the lookout for interactions which want to shove you into a “not good enough” corner. Pay attention to the “J” of JADE.
Argue:
This word is another connected element to the J.A.D.E. principle. It can function as a synonym to the previously discussed, “Justify.” I say that because, like “Justify,” the word “Argue” seems to come to the forefront in some interactions which can involve another person’s inability or willingness to deal with our “no” response.
Once I made my decision about my bilateral mastectomy, my surgeon next assumed I would jump on the reconstruction bandwagon. I would get new breasts now. After all, leaving my deformed chest like that simply was unheard of.
That is, it was unheard of until my surgeon heard of my answer.
I was adamant about not undergoing further surgeries. No reconstruction for me, thank you. I was at peace with being breast-less, which appeared to mortify my surgeon.
There was a bit of argument over my decisions; reconstruction was just the tip of the iceberg.
And I say that as a caution concerning other peoples’ agendas. I cannot say for certain, what were my surgeon’s motivations. But I did have my gut reaction and my conversations with other women about their experiences to go on.
And I got an abundance of intel, in my research and conversations with other women. Through both, I discovered some surgeons tried to pressure their patients to get reconstructive breast surgery because they make more money that way. I heard experiences of some women who were coerced into not only getting reconstruction, but also getting a breast size they didn’t want, all because the surgeon wanted that size for them.
As I held my ground and “argued” my choices with my surgeon, I still wasn’t heard.
Okay, then. Let’s try something else.
How about involving the hospital charge nurse and patient advocate about my frustrations? Yep, that did the trick.
I no longer wanted to engage in the back and forth with my surgeon. I was an informed woman; I made thoughtful choices that were best for me. I would no longer argue about that.
Arguing can be quite pointless, especially if the other party is neither willing, nor able, to hear you and I out. Pressure, coercion, name calling, insults and dismissive attitudes can all surface. These mechanisms exist because it is about agenda from the other party. Whatever he/she wants, perhaps, in their minds, is more important than what you and I want.
Pay attention if your gut check is screaming that to you. Major breast surgery and arguing with my surgeon may appear to be an extreme example, but, in your own circumstances, do you see any similarities?
Are you feeling pressured? Coerced? Dismissed? Is someone telling you that what they want for you is more important than what you want?
How much arguing are you having to do right now about a certain issue? Do you feel the force of someone else’s agenda?
Defend:
“Defend” can quickly surface with “Justify and “Argue.”
How many of us are put on the defense, simply for asserting our position or rights?
Again, check for agenda and coercion. See any?
How does someone react when you disagree with them? Do you desire to go in another direction? Do you get pushback? Are you on the defense?
Concerning my surgeon, “Defend” often popped up in my interactions with this person. There was a constant battle of wills, even though it was my body and life that were directly affected. So, naturally, one would think, it would be me then, to decide, what choices I made concerning my body and life.
But it, of course, wasn’t that simple.
Upon recovering from my surgery, I was on the defense, again. I quickly encountered the “God complex” from my surgeon, feeling like I was little more than Dr. Frankenstein’s creature to be molded according to the great doctor’s vision.
Not helpful.
Again, it calls into question the matter of agenda. What was my surgeon’s? To get me on the expensive cancer conveyor belt of procedures, treatments and tests? There certainly wasn’t any “bedside manner” or interest in me as a human being.
At my most vulnerable, perhaps, I was still having to fight, not even the cancer, but the people who claimed to treat the cancer.
Actions speak louder than words.
So, again, check the action. Are you having to take action to defend yourself?
Simple question: yes or no.
Answer it and act accordingly.
Explain:
And lastly, there is this word in the acronym.
This is, perhaps, the final complexity we bump against when you and I find ourselves “stuck in a moment.”
This might be the final attempt to pressure us when we say “no” to an otherwise, wanted “yes.”
Long after my surgery, I encountered more people, who, upon finding out about my diagnosis and choices since, asked me if I underwent reconstruction and when, exactly, I would get breasts, already.
Cue the temptation to explain my decision. Just add it to Justify. Argue. Defend.
However, “explain” is a bit more involved. It requires a detailed accounting of our actions…to people for whom it was none of their business.
I still remember the awkward silences, wide eyes and the restless fidgeting as people awaited my explanation as to why I didn’t get breasts. I’m getting better at just quietly staring away these incidents. I don’t need to explain myself, especially about something so personal.
But some people still, somehow, believe they are owed an explanation.
How about you?
How many times have you felt the need to explain your right to be yourself and make your choices? How many times have you been punished for doing otherwise?
JADE. A tidy little acronym, with so much hidden power held within it. When we think of Jade, typically, we often envision the gorgeous green gemstone. Something precious, something beautiful and of great value.
Perhaps we need to view the acronym in the same manner. Perhaps, we need to see it as the precious gem in the way we conduct our lives and have dignity in them.
We deserve to be respected for who we are and what choices we make, even if others disagree with them. Coercion from another person and manipulation to get us to fall in line, is not acceptable. It never has been; it never will be.
Live your life as this polished gem then. As you make your choices and live your life, be brilliant and unapologetic as you face a question, an interrogation and an abusive instance with the definitive statement:
“No is a complete sentence.”
You have nothing to prove to anyone else. Be yourself, instead.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
Sleeping Like Dracula
Breast cancer upends everything, sleeping included. I’m not talking about the terrifying death thoughts that keep you up all night. That’s a given. I’m talking about the actual sleeping position itself.
I am a stomach sleeper. Face mushed into the pillow, maybe some drool oozing out of my mouth. But, yeah, a stomach sleeper, nonetheless.
When I was diagnosed with Breast cancer, the biopsy was the first thing that disrupted that sleep position. Yep, drilling into my breast, extracting “suspicious mass” tissue to confirm, yay or nay, if there’s cancer going on- that would change some things. And I had not one, not two, but three of these biopsies when all was said and done.
With each biopsy incident, I recovered with ice packs to the affected areas, ever- aware I better not make a wrong move. There was risk of infection to each drilled spot. I was sore, feeling pulsating sensitivity in both breasts.
So, I became accustomed to sleeping like Dracula in a coffin. I camped out on the couch after each one of these procedures were done. I chose the couch to avoid flipping all over the place in my queen-size bed. I needed the “barrier” of the couch’s back to keep me immobilized enough, to prevent me from rolling over, unconsciously landing in the stomach sleep position.
Granted, I could have easily rolled over in the other direction, falling onto the floor. I didn’t have the full protective guard rails of an adult-size crib. But, thankfully, that didn’t happen. I was an uncomfortable, sore-chested Dracula lying on her couch-coffin.
A couple of months after my biopsies, I had my bilateral mastectomy. Now, there were no longer breasts, only bandages, stitches and grenade-looking drains plugged into me like some science fiction creature. Sleeping on my stomach, again, was not an option, especially with those pesky drains. Whenever I moved the wrong way, they pulled at me, stinging me.
Breast surgery recovery meant I had to convalesce for six weeks, with limited mobility. Sleeping, once again, was a factor. I did my best to remedy the situation.
To pillow or not to pillow- that is the question.
Initially, pillows seemed like a no-brainer. Suggestions for a slew of them were made by medical staff and Breast cancer survivors alike. Pillows, pillows and more pillows. Pillows to the rescue.
Easier said than done.
First, the body pillow solution. It was suggested that I sleep with one of the suckers; prop it up against my back, gently creating a, “S” curve to my spine, making me lean ever so slightly to the “unaffected” side. Nice theory. But I had no “unaffected” side concerning my chest. Bilateral mastectomy, everyone. Both sides.
I just couldn’t get the body pillow to work. It was too bulky, always falling off the edge of the couch.
And I tried regular pillows, propping my head and my legs. That just made my neck ache; I felt like I was a fold- up chair. Eventually, during a fitful night’s sleep, they’d land on the floor. I also tried accent pillows. The whole thing was just out of control. They, likewise, all made their way to the floor. At least the floor looked really comfortable. But, for me, discomfort was something I had to resign myself to, no way around it.
Still, tried and true: flat Dracula, on my back, no frills, no pillows, just sore.
Sleeping While Burned?
And then came radiation. Yep, you guessed it, more Dracula in the coffin.
As if biopsies, surgery, stitches, drains, pillow overkill and general discomfort weren’t fun enough, now, let’s burn the skin for extra giggles!
Radiation is self-explanatory. Yes, I voluntarily chose to burn my chest area, again, in the name of eradicating cancer. And I knew sleeping would be affected making this decision.
Burned skin, overly- tight skin, peeling skin- check, check, check. Everyone’s all here. And none of it was conducive to getting a restful night’s sleep, and certainly not on my stomach.
For the majority of my 30-day treatment, things were rather uneventful, just varying degrees of burning. Dracula sleeping, once again. But, oh, probably around day twenty, the tightening started making me feel like my skin was going to split apart. Not a reassuring feeling. Only by applying a wonderful radiation-specific cream to the area did I get relief.
By day twenty-seven, I then started the peeling process. Besides the overall discomfort, now I had another issue: not leaving my peeled skin all over the place.
I know, sexy.
But I was fidgety. So, on the couch, on the floor, on my blankets were pieces of my pretty peeled skin. It reminded me of when I had Chicken Pox at age sixteen for sheer shedding power.
And that complicated the next phase of my radiation adventures: itchiness.
No Scratching Zone!
Burned, tight and peeling skin were not fun enough for yours truly. Oh, no! Let’s have me be at my absolute itchiest at two o’clock in the morning, with a burned chest! Watch the fun!
This was probably the most discomfort I felt doing my Dracula sleeping/Breast cancer recovering. Pain and drains (rhyme much?) were one thing. Not being able to stomach sleep was no fun fest, either.
But itching, itching!
At precisely those burned, peeling spots, especially going into my right arm, there existed such an agony that, of course, in my healing state, I could not alleviate. I could not scratch. My chest was too vulnerable. I wasn’t out of the woods concerning infection and complications. Flashing my care team on a daily basis was evidence of that. The constant skin checking. Was everything Kosher? Or was it, danger, danger?
The radiation-specific cream helped somewhat. But itching is itching. And tentative attempts at rubbing instead of scratching the affected spots did not stop it.
So, there I was, two in the morning, in darkness, on my coffin-couch, feeling irritated, involuntarily nocturnal and tired. I was counting my radiation sessions instead of sheep, hoping there was light at the end of the sleep-deprived tunnel.
Eventually, my thirty days were up. Post-radiation meant its own recovery, just applying lotion to the area, doing skin checks. Gradual healing.
And Dracula sleeping in the coffin, for almost a year.
Now What?
Things are moving on now. Life is changing. Hopefully, I’m continuing to heal. I have finally reached a point where I am able to sleep on my stomach. (Does anyone hear an angel choir, or it that just me?) I was nervous about doing so for the longest time. I constantly worried, “Is it too soon?” “Will I wreck my chest?”
But no. I do now have to sleep with one of those accent pillows wedged just so. But, occasionally, I still sleep on my back. That initially surprised me. I suppose I learned- formed- a newer habit.
It’s been an unlikely head’s up, or rather, chest up.
Breast cancer has showed me that yes, indeed, I can do whatever I set my mind to. I just didn’t know that would include my sleeping Dracula impression.
But you do what you gotta do.
And, “I v-v-ant to get some sleep!”
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
Nope Cat
Stuck between the corner of a wall and- gasp-water! And we all know how much most cats generally love water!
I saw this photo and laughed immediately. Not only have I experienced it with my cats, I’ve been in that same mental spot myself.
Stuck. In between a rock and a hard place.
So, is this you? Do you feel stuck? Trapped? No way out?
Personally, I’ve put up a fight with God more times than I care to count. I try to will something, to do it my own way. That’s always a great strategy, isn’t it? There have been a lot of times I wanted to go here or do this, all while God was telling me to go somewhere else and/or do something completely opposite of my supposed desires. Thus, bringing about a “no, no, no” shriek from me…
And, before you know it, I’m right where this nope cat is: stuck!
Sigh.
We all get some bright ideas; we all in our lives, think we have a better idea. But…
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9
Just like this cat here? Nope!
Why do we insist doing it without God? We can’t, you know.
Each time we’re in a nope situation, I think it’s worth it to look at who stuck us there?
Was it God? Well, according to scripture…
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go: I will guide you with My eye.”
Psalm 32:8
“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
Isaiah 43:19
So, guess not. If God says He’s leading and guiding us, making a way out of no way, then who in the heck put us in this nope spot?
Yeah, I know. Guess it’s us. There’s an unusual concept: we did it to ourselves. Yay.
But it’s not hopeless, even if we’re faced with a wall of our own making.
“Behold, the LORD's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; neither his ear heavy, that it cannot hear.”’
Isaiah 59:1
“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”
Psalms 46:1
And yes, even if/when we’re stubborn, creating our own messes, feeling nothing but temptation, bad choices and failure, God is at work…
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
1 Corinthians 10:13
It’s not hopeless; you and I aren’t hopeless! We don’t have to be nope cats. We can always make another choice; we can choose to go to God, not our own devices, to help get- and keep- us out of the stuck corner spots. God wants to take us further than the place of that rock and hard spot!
Suffice It To Say…
Many of us have heard this expression. It usually means we could say a lot more about a situation or a person, but we either won’t or can’t.
Therefore, suffice it to say…
As I have learned more about Narcissistic abuse and continue to make my way through my own recovery, I see how we could all benefit from this expression, especially those of us who are recovering from toxic dynamics, be they family, romantic, professional, or any other kind of dysfunctional and harmful interaction.
And here is where the Twelve Step principle of JADE comes into play as an emergency “go-to” for me.
JADE: an acronym, which stands for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain.
It’s often employed as a recovery tool, as many of us, addicted to and entangled in our “drug of choice,” need a friendly reminder of our personal boundaries, of what we are and are not responsible for. Many of us have believed the lie we “owe” someone an explanation whenever we say one tiny little word: “no.” That’s a cornerstone of abuse: the refusal to accept anyone’s no on any subject matter or decision. If someone, who is acting in an abusive way, does not accept a person’s no, that usually indicates there’s a desire to manipulate and control. In the abuser’s mind, only a “yes” is acceptable, no matter how violating to the person’s well-being, dignity and safety it may be.
JADE helps reminds those of us caught in anything that dishonors our right to autonomy and respect that yes, we have a right to our no, without any further explanation of that no.
Justify:
When we feel pressured to justify ourselves and our actions, there’s an emphasis on proving ourselves worthy. The goal of the abusive person here? To make you and I feel wrong and to doubt ourselves.
And the main word we can often feel led to use, as we are tempted to justify ourselves, is “Because…”
“Because I’m busy…”
“Because I’m tired…”
We may believe that if we, indeed, prove ourselves to the demanding person, they will, therefore, be satisfied with our response, respect us and leave us alone.
Nope.
It, more than likely, will be more like this. They come at us even harder, becoming more violating, more abusive, employing more harmful strategies to squeeze that “yes” response out of us.
Suffice it to say…
Here’s where our “less is more” strategy meets us, if we’re willing to take the meeting. Say nothing. Do not offer any “because” reason. If the awkward silence (and yes, it will feel awkward) is too deafening for us, we can respond with the following…
“I am not able to do that.”
If we feel like being generous, we could even attach an “I’m sorry, but I am not able to do that.” And leave it at that.
Suffice it to say.
No further expounding is necessary. If we need to, we can walk away. However, according to our abuser, this discussion will not be over yet.
Yes, friendly warning: if you and I haven’t personally experienced it already, our abusive person will probably not accept any of our answer, shy of the desired “yes.” In fact, things may be ratcheted up to the next tactic.
Argue:
And here is often where arguing comes in, on the part of the abusive person. Again, in this situation, there can exist the need to prove ourselves in the heat of an argument. And that’s by design.
Yes, arguments happen in life. However, there is a difference when we are arguing with an abusive person, versus a non-abusive person. A non- abusive person may come from a perspective of trying to understand a situation or settle a disagreement.
But the abusive person is not interested in that approach. When we argue with that individual, often, that toxic person’s modus operandi is to engage in dysfunction, simply to keep the negative exchange going, whether that’s the individual fight or the harmful relationship, itself.
Still, when we’re heated, it’s difficult to keep an objective perspective. We feel we need to make the point, asserting, “I am not this; I am this.”
But again, the abusive person is not interested in hearing, in understanding, in working a situation out. Instead, they are focused on “the win.” And sometimes, the abusive person gets a high from the flying sparks. They can even enjoy the process of wearing you and I down. They want us to submit. Period.
Suffice it to say, then, arguing with a person like this is pointless.
It’s not worth expending the energy. Disengage, as much as possible. Don’t get into it. It’s harmful. If the abuser is only focused on the dominating “win,” continuing with the dynamic only gives us various degrees of losing.
And we’re more valuable than that.
Defend:
Defend can be our knee-jerk response when things become more serious, dangerous or violent. Now, something feels at stake.
When we are in a toxic interaction with an abusive person, we can feel like our very lives are threatened. If that is the case, we need to get help and get out.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
In terms of a less violent context, the abusive tactic of placing us in a position of defense still is serious and can cause us harm. Here, we experience the verbal, the emotional, the mental, the spiritual and the financial aspects of abuse, all of which are detrimental to our personhood.
We can respond, either outright or unconsciously, with the pleading statement, “Stop attacking me!”
And, adding further injury, the abuser can enjoy that reality, because we’re off kilter. They can assume they have the advantage over us.
Learned helplessness can often result. We feel powerless. And, because we feel powerless, we can often give our power away even more.
But JADE’s principle of never defending yourself, meaning, never pouring excessive, tiring energy into a dysfunctional dynamic, hinges on this premise. The abuser is only interested in attacking and having us in the struggling, one-down position.
And, just like “Justify,” just like “Argue,” to keep engaging in that is, at best, pointless for us and, at worst, harmful. It’s a rigged game, with it already decided, by the abusive person, that you and I will be the loser. Don’t play it.
If you feel you need to defend yourself, that’s an unhealthy relationship and/or interaction.
Detach. Walk away.
Explain:
I can prove myself to you; here’s my evidence.
And here’s the hoop-jumping, the auditioning, the desperate plea, “BELIEVE Me!”
I personally feel that this element of JADE is the most harmful to us: the pressure we may feel to “explain.”
When we refuse to justify, argue or defend ourselves against a coercive individual, indeed, that last resort may be to pressure us into explaining ourselves. It can even go so far as to demand we explain our very existence.
It’s demoralizing, dehumanizing. It’s abusive.
And it shines a spotlight on a core trait of an abusive person: his/her sense of entitlement.
After all, what could better drive the intense demand of such an individual?
It can be argued that’s the reason for JADE in the first place.
For, concerning the entitled person’s perspective, he/she believes they is “owed” something by us. And that can be anything under the sun, only subject to the abuser’s whims.
That abuser may feel we owe them complete agreement, acquiescence, control and decision making for our lives. We may feel we need to have their “permission” to exist. It is damaging… and often, subtle. It can creep up on us slowly, as, bit by bit, we give our power away, all in the hopes we will be loved and/or we will no longer be abused.
“Explaining ourselves,” therefore, places an unachievable onus solely on us. We can believe the lie that, anything short of a “good enough explanation” for ourselves rightfully leads to our punishment. We can absorb how our “imperfect” explanation is our fault, bringing any punishment upon ourselves.
What’s wrong with just explaining a situation?
It has everything to do with context.
Quick questions you and I need to ask ourselves:
Do I feel like I’m forced to explain myself?
If it were solely up to me, would I choose to explain this situation?
What are those answers?
Anything violating our basic free will and dignity is abusive.
If the context of an explanation involved a non-abusive party, that’s one thing. There is no agenda to dominate, subjugate or control a human being. If we choose not to give a full accounting to that person, the other party would accept that choice.
But, again, with an abuser, there is no “enough” involved. We could not justify enough, argue enough, defend ourselves enough, and, of course, explain ourselves enough. The abusive person is never satisfied with anything we give them.
We can point to immaturity, Narcissism, insecurity and even a more sinister need for power over us. It still doesn’t change the fact that no amount of our will, desire and energy expenditure will satisfy them.
And, just as importantly, it’s not our job to do that kind of hoop-jumping. None of it will get the person to love us or treat us better.
So, what are we left with?
Scripture, again, pops up for me, even with is “secular” JADE principle.
“Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”
Matthew 5:37
That’s what it is all about. In the realm of dignity, healthy treatment and basic human respect, how does someone view our expression on a matter?
Do they accept it? Do they reject it? Do they try to forcibly change it? Do they abuse us over it?
Are we respected?
JADE, perhaps, can remind us we must be exactly that.
Suffice it to say.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
