Check Engine Light
I recently had some hindsight revelations about ignoring the gut instinct.
First Blinking: Not “Business as Usual” Business:
Years ago, my husband and I were relocating to a new apartment complex.
Right from the jump, it seemed to be an exercise in red flags. We met the apartment manager; let’s call her “Lissy.” When we shook hands with her, it was like grabbing a limp fish. There was a passivity and an apathy to the introduction. It was a signpost of things to come, things we should not have ignored.
But despite Lissy’s fish handshake, we took the apartment. We called the movers, packed our way-too-much- stuff into boxes and believed this move was going to be good for us.
Eh, not so fast.
Let’s see how moving day went, shall we?
Around nine in the morning, as we gathered our stuff, and our spicy calico cats, we got a phone call from Lissy.
It turned out we could not move into the apartment that day… the agreed upon day, listed in our lease…on the first day of the month.
What? Why NOT?
She “explained” that the previous tenant had moved out last minute and left it in dire need of repair.
Oh, and Lissy was “sorry.”
Um, that lip service was pretty, but it didn’t change the fact that we had shelled out massive moolah for the movers that were scheduled to arrive at the new apartment and unload our stuff that day.
The train was leaving the station; it was already in transit.
So, after arriving at the leasing office, we demanded the apartment complex foot the bill for the extra move-in day. Our movers would need to shlep our way-too-much-stuff to a different location, a temporary squatter’s dwelling place, offered to us for the duration of the apartment’s repairs.
As I was on the phone, laying out the situation to the movers, I asked for Lissy’s full name. The movers would be in contact with her for the obvious payment arrangements. In response to my question, she only gave her first name. Like Cher. Like Prince. Like Madonna.
I quickly grabbed a business card I spotted on her desk and read her full name to the movers. My husband and I fought to keep our cool, as we were given the address to our temporary dwelling place.
Oh, and we asked if we could see the “in shambles” apartment for ourselves before we left.
Not surprisingly, Lissy told us “no.”
“Hmmm… Why Not?” (I silently simmered).
But we didn’t challenge things. We were exhausted and it was barely ten in the morning now. We just wanted to be squatters in our temporary home, surrounded by packed boxes, living out of them. We would have three weeks of this fun to look forward to.
Oh, let’s get started now.
“Hmmm… Why Not?”
What we do we do when you and I are stuck in moments of “Hmmm… Why (or Why Not?)”
We all have them.
Where there are question marks, there are usually some exclamation points.
We experience some odd behavior or interaction that JUST doesn’t track well. Our check engine light, known as our intuition, is blinking furiously, alerting us that all is not well, and certainly NOT to be trusted at face value. But we dismiss the question mark, the check engine light, the gut reaction that blares at us.
We often like to, instead, “explain” it away…
“Well, I’m sure it’s a simple mistake…”
“Anyone can have a bad day…”
“I’m sure my boyfriend and this woman are “just friends…”
But the simple mistake and the bad day keep happening over and over.
And we caught that boyfriend having sex with this new girl on our brand-new couch (adding new furniture insult to current relationship injury).
What is getting our check engine light attention?
And what are we refusing to admit or see?
It’s probably worth taking a second look, isn’t it?
More Check Engine Blinking: Outright Lies:
Okay, so back to the apartment saga.
Hubby and I are dwelling amongst our boxes in this temporary abode. Finally, we get word from Lissy that our actual apartment is ready, is fully repaired and is complete with angel choir to serenade our arrival.
Move-in day, take two then.
Our stuff travels from temporary dwelling place to “permanent” apartment home. Second time’s the charm, perhaps?
The day went smoothly, uneventful. No dishes were broken; we got the cable hooked up. Free and clear, hallelujah, right?
(Come on, you know what’s coming).
We moved in on a Friday. There were no leasing office business hours on weekends. I mention this because, first thing, when we woke up on Saturday morning, we encountered multiple cockroaches squirming around our cats’ food and water dishes!
How’s that for a welcome wagon?
After the initial freak out, my husband and I had no choice other than to ride out the weekend with our disgusting nocturnal roomies.
Did I mention how much fun it was to participate in this nocturnal activity?
Our sleep deprived states were further heightened as both of our cats were especially stimulated by these night creatures; they viewed them only viewed as their prey. One of our cats loved grabbing a roach in her mouth and whisking herself into our bedroom to drop her wiggly prey onto the carpet at all hours of the night.
Fun.
First thing, Monday morning, I phoned Lissy, bringing up the roaches.
“Oh, really?’ was her response. She seemed surprised.
I’d soon find out she was lying.
Liar, Liar, What’s on Fire?
We have all be lied to. But, at what point, do we override our instincts to willingly choose to believe the lies?
Primrose path. This explanation connects to that explanation… and so on, and so forth.
Yet, often, when we get to the end of the explanations, all that is left is a lie. What’s yours?
A relationship that’s been on the skids for years, only to have an explosion, confirming a lie?
How about a business deal that seems to be too good to be true, going exactly your way… until it sells you out?
How about that one person in your life you thought would NEVER betray you until one day, Hello, Judas?
Our check engine light detects the presence of lies, even if all we see are happy, uneventful truths and fairytale endings.
Our intuition knows better.
What does your intuition know, right now, that you are clueless about?
More Check Engine Blinking, More Lies:
So, I spoke to Lissy about the roaches first thing on Monday morning. She seemed surprised, but I was already suspicious.
We had not been able to move in on the original lease date because the previous tenant moved out at the last minute and trashed the joint. Uh-huh.
We were denied our request to see the trashed apartment before we spent the next few weeks in a temporary residence. Uh-huh.
And now, her innocent, wide-eyed reaction to the creepy crawlies. Uh-huh.
Nope. Not buying it.
So, I insisted on an action plan to rid the roaches. Not too unreasonable, right?
I was informed that the current exterminator they used would be in touch with me shortly.
Uh-huh.
Upon meeting this guy, I gingerly asked if he had been treating this complex for more than this “isolated” incident. He did not answer, but the pregnant pause and look on his face told me what I needed to know. This place was infested. Plus, when the exterminator arrived at our apartment, fellow neighbor tenants peeked out the doors and knocked on mine, asking when their apartments would be dealt with also.
Uh-huh.
Can you hear my boiling blood? Shall I put on some music to drown out its sound?
What I DID find out from Mr. Exterminator was that he had diligently been on the scene for the past three weeks.
The past three weeks.
Uh-huh.
Unbeknownst to us, the new, trusting tenants.
So, far, the extermination was not that effective, because, well, roaches. Night after night now, they were creeping nocturnally, keeping us up at night all night, forcing me to keep the lights on at night, so that they would be kept somewhat at bay.
Yet, the leasing office and our new BFF, Lissy, kept minimizing and downplaying how bad all of it was.
(Easy for you to say. You’re well-rested in your roach-free home).
Anyway, supposedly, the exterminator stepped things up. But the bug action continued. In fact, it got worse. Now, these night creatures were visible and crawling around during the day.
Especially unnerving was when the roaches were dazed and confused, crawling on the ceilings, right above our heads. By this point, I wanted to live outside, safely under the open sky. No danger of roaches pelting me from above that way!
This was not working. So, I called the city’s health inspector. This WAS a health and safety issue. Roaches can carry disease; they certainly weren’t hygienic. And we couldn’t get a good night’s sleep.
A couple of days later, a health inspection walked throughout our apartment and the ones nearby, including units one floor below us. While we’re all doing this fun walkthrough, I asked Lissy for a copy of the extermination order, set up a few weeks’ earlier. This followed on the heels of the health inspector, busting her on how she should have not withheld this information from us, as the new tenants.
She produced copies of the extermination order, and I discovered something “curious.” At the exact time of nine or ten in the morning, while we were in the leasing office, dealing with one-name Lissy, making new arrangements with the movers and temporarily being relocated, the exterminators were spraying creepy crawlies. That was why we could we not see that apartment. We would see the bug guy… and the corresponding bugs. We would catch Lissy and the entire apartment management company in a big fat lie!
It took us being displaced, being disturbed by our undeniably predatory feline cats, roping in a city health inspector, who subsequently, gave the apartment complex a hefty fine from that city, and employing an entomologist carpet bombing the roaches, all to shine light on this lie and work toward a solution.
If only we had checked all of the check engine lights that were insistently blinking. If only.
How Many Check Engine Lights Does It Take to Screw in a Lightbulb?
It feels like the setup to a bad joke, doesn’t it? We keep getting signs that we somehow, keep ignoring.
The lipstick on the collar…
The hang up phone calls…
The person who never seems to be where they say they will be…
The multiple stone- in- our- stomach feelings as we try to convince ourselves that something is “okay…”
The Check Engine Light Means Business the First Time.
How many times do we need to keep experiencing this wrongness BEFORE we BELIEVE it?
Intuition is there for our safety: physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. The check engine light blinks only to get our attention and bring us to safety.
Something is wrong, dangerous, unhealthy.
Blink, blink! Pay Attention!
Unfortunately, that can be inconvenient. Scary. Messy. Not fun. Not what we want at the time. So, we talk ourselves out of the warning.
It’s nothing…
It’s my imagination…
It’s not that bad…
It’s too good to pass up…
On and on. You get the point. We all get the point. Yet, we all seem to have a habit of ignoring that check engine light.
My personal hindsight: we should have run from Lissy’s fishy handshake. We should have demanded to see the buggy apartment.
Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
We can all visit that land from time to time. I do. My passport is up-to-date.
Still, what happened cannot be changed. Bad vibes, lies, displacement, roaches.
But I learned what happens when you repeatedly hush the intuition that tells you to pay attention to something that is not right.
Therefore, overs the years, I have been learning to heed that check engine light. I pay attention when a person seems a little too hinky or creepy for comfort. I don’t hang around them. If a situation doesn’t feel right, for any reason, I no longer give it the “benefit of the doubt.” Doing so could be harmful to me now. I know that.
Each of us has our own check engine light; it’s not just bestowed on a lucky few. We can tap into what that message system is trying to tell us. It takes time and, yes, practice.
But you and I can learn the life lessons that are there for the taking, should we decide to take them up on their offers to teach us.
And hopefully, we can also avoid cockroaches in our futures.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
"Check the Check Engine Light" warns against ignoring our intuitive natures. | elephant journal
Too Much Not Enough (Code For)
Image/Appearance: Too Much Not Enough Code For…
Beauty. Status. Reputation. How things look.
We see the surface of something and someone first. The old phrase, “you never get a second chance to make a first impression” carries a heavy weight to it. It can be damning.
At its minimum, it’s filled with conflict and obstacles.
Beauty standards, preoccupation with a thin body type, and generating enough “likes” on social media all reinforce, daily, how we may be “too much/not enough” of any kind of aesthetic, at any given moment. It’s the constant measuring, sizing up, comparing, contrasting, and finding ourselves at a deficit.
The Hierarchy Lie, subtle or blatant, attempts to convince us that there are some people who look better than we do. Perhaps, we can join their ranks only if we perfectly conform to their image. Follow the trend to the letter. Change our “flaws.” Remove our uniqueness, in favor of the homogenized look and standard.
What’s the payoff TO the Hierarchy Lie when it comes to an aesthetic?
It can be argued that insecurity is a money maker; insecurity keeps us spending money and chasing. It keeps us distracted from focusing on something else that could possibly threaten the Hierarchy Lie. And that’s dangerous, so dangerous, that there is a doubling down of pressure, sales, and marketing to get our attention back on the “right” way of doing thing and being in the world.
“Just be like me/us.”
Don’t be you.
Easy.
Performance/Worth/Value: Too Much Not Enough Code For…
This cuts to the core of who we are: our intrinsic worth.
The Hierarchy Lie asserts that we are conditionally valuable. It has everything to do with what we have done, how we have performed.
And how was that?
Answer? It was “too much/not enough.”
How’s that for an accurate benchmark?
Never being the right standard of performance, achievement, and action can keep us striving on a never-ending hamster wheel.
Being Lovable: Too Much Not Enough Code For…
Like image and performance, our lovability is also up for discussion, assessment, and meted- out punishment.
Concerning this facet of the Hierarchy Lie, we are graded on exactly how worthy of love we are. It is conditional.
Some of us, from the start, have already had the verdict rendered. There is NOTHING we can do or be that will make us lovable. There is a predetermined ruling that we are defective, regrettable, a “mistake,” a “sin.”
That determination has nothing to do with us.
Rather, it comes from another person/group and their negative association with who we are. Resentment is often at the root of this perspective.
It can be as simple and painful as we are resented for being who we are.
To us, however, it is neither simple, nor painless.
Still, often, we can only absorb the harmful ruling. Usually, a person in power and authority, like a parent or a teacher, daily conveys their assertion...and it's not to be challenged.
It is. Truth. Fact. Irrefutable.
And then, there are also some of us, perhaps, who were once told we were lovable.
Then, one day, that assessment was rescinded.
Now we are in a position in which we feel we need to get back into someone’s “good graces.” We need to earn our lovability back, somehow.
We can be yanked, back and forth, between lovable versus unlovable. It can change daily, sometimes, by the minute.
We are destabilized, fearful, and often fawning, wanting to do “whatever it takes.” And the results of our efforts can be demoralizing. It’s unpredictable. Perhaps, one day, we’re successful. Our faith in a person or relationship, let alone, our identity, is restored.
And then, other days, nothing works. We are chastised for being failures. We are abused, laughed at, and punished.
Back and forth, we go.
We can crack the code.
Too much. Not enough.
These rulings are not rooted in truth, accuracy, or our inherent identity and worth. They are rooted in abuse, in agenda, and in the misuse of someone desiring to control us.
“Too much/not enough” has nothing to do with us being the failures. It has everything to do with our another’s devaluation of us, to fortify someone else’s agenda. By keeping things as an ever-moving target, with the goal posts seemingly always being out of our reach, we will never win. And that’s desirable to the toxic “someone else.”
If we can begin to accept and crack that code, it can help us shift our self-concepts.
We are not inherently wrong.
We have value, purpose, talents, and scared uniqueness.
If we are confronted, in any way, by the “Too much/not enough” message, it would be helpful for us to challenge that assertion.
Who/What is telling me that?
What can they gain by having me believe it as fact?
Chances are, there is something nefarious behind that assessment of us.
We ARE enough. That is code for who we are.
We are just the right embodiment of us.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
What is “Too Much/ Not Enough” Code For? | elephant journal
Committed To Misunderstanding
Many of us who come out of toxic relationships seem to encounter that person fully committed to misunderstanding us. It can be maddening, as we, so often, contort ourselves into accommodating pretzels to appease a volatile situation, while trying to stay safe mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Why do “they” do that? The short answer is that they are disordered. A more complex, ambiguous, and dissatisfactory answer may, perhaps, be found in these possible explanations.
They Don’t Know Any Differently.
“They” can be committed to misunderstanding us because they don’t know another way of being.
“Ignorance is bliss.”
That can be at play here. Does that mean ignorance gives a person a free pass to abuse, cause chaos, and harm? No.
Still, many disordered and toxic people have been entrenched in intergenerational patterns of maladaptive behaviors: addiction and abuse being the most prominent.
We’re often bucking against systems that have been in place and perceived as normal for decades or centuries.
“We always drink like this.”
“That’s just how we do things in this family.”
“Do you think you’re better than us now?”
And… we’re shut down, shamed, ridiculed, ignored, and forced to endure their ignorance, no matter what form it takes.
Knowledge is uncomfortable and painful. It’s often a place of most resistance, which is so much less fun than the “least resistance” of the unhealthy dynamic insisting on its status quo.
But, when we acquire knowledge, insight, and distance from these entrenched and toxic behaviors, it, indeed, IS a situation to which we can answer “yes;” we DO know better. There is a better way than abuse and addiction. There is a better way, like choosing honest communication, a refusal to protect predators, even if they are “blood,” and displaying an appropriate and boundary-aware expression of love.
Knowledge changes things. How we live and love, who is in our lives and to what degree. Sometimes, there needs to be a no-contact concerning some people. Sometimes, we need to leave everything and everyone we know. Sometimes, it’s limited contact and access.
And, almost always, we need to arrive at the conclusion that we must give up hope “they” will change. That hope is now “toxic hope.” Possessing it can be great for a sick system, family, system, or any other kind of interpersonal exchange.
But’s it’s harmful, sometimes life-threatening, if not soul- threatening, to us.
We need to know THAT now, with every other bit of knowledge we have required.
They Don’t Feel Any Differently.
“They” are committed to misunderstanding us because they don’t feel any differently… and they don’t want to, either.
Many of the toxic people we have encountered and endured don’t want to feel at all. Self-medication, obliteration, and dependable denial can be the protective mechanisms that keep someone from “feeling.”
Feelings are rough. They are painful. And again, often, not fun, “path- of- least- resistance” kinds of things.
Toxic people usually don’t want their feelings disturbed. They like ‘em nice and easy, reliable, controllable, predictable. They like how certain feelings reassure identity, security, power imbalances, and appearance issues.
They Don’t Want Any Differently.
“They” can be committed to misunderstanding us because they don’t want another way of being.
Too simplistic?
Well, the concept of “want” has complexity built into it, especially when dysfunction is a staple of an environment. “Want” in such an atmosphere relates to the status quo. Disordered and toxic people, within abuse and addiction, often “want” to keep things going as they are. It can be a life filled with pain, chaos, and disease, yet the “want” of people within this system has to do with keeping the familiar consistently going. The “want” is about not disrupting that familiar, that sense of “status quo.”
It's fraught with negativity. It can be miserable, but the people involved know what to expect. The punch to the face. The blackout drunk. The violent rage. The instability, prompting a constant “walking on eggshells” existence. Everyone knows what that looks and feels like.
And the people involved often also know and fear the wrath, the upheaval, and the retaliation that can threaten any “challenge” to the status quo. It’s scary, and part of why people don’t go near changing the environment.
We, however, being removed, however we are removed from that toxic atmosphere, have arrived at a place and a mental state that has us “wanting” other things than this way of living. Maybe we got out. Maybe we have enough distance, therapy, education, and perspective to see what someone IN that toxic environment cannot see or want for themselves.
Like the old saying goes, “We can lead a horse to water, but we can’t make it drink.”
True. Sad, but true.
So, “they” are committed to misunderstanding us, and our different wants, because it threatens all “they” have known in their harmful status quo.
Where Lies Our Commitment?
What are we committed to understanding? What are we going to do with the answers to those questions?
The priority and the healthier option can be understanding ourselves, our issues, our weaknesses, and then, acting accordingly in dealing with them in a constructive manner. We can choose sobriety, anger management, therapy, learning communication skills, and facing truth with unflinching focus. That’s hard; it takes work. It’s painful. It’s a lifelong endeavor. It’s imperfect.
Where lies our commitment?
What does that look like?
What do we understand that to be for our lives?
How does it differ from those important, but toxic individuals in our lives?
Are we committed to examining and answering those things for ourselves, even if we are alone in doing so?
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
“Committed to Misunderstanding” discusses the difficulty we face dealing with toxic individuals in unhealthy environments.
Claim That Reverence!
“Whatever claims reverence risks ridicule.”
C.S. Lewis
What is sacred, valuable, and worthwhile? How many times has it been mocked and devalued?
I’m not talking about satire. I’m talking about those deeply personal things to us that have been attacked, judged, and criticized.
We’re told it’s wrong.
Not allowed. Forbidden. Sin. Impractical. Unrealistic. Childish.
Recognize any of these words? Others may have used such words around something that means a lot to you. Feeling judged for its place of importance in your life?
Shame and guilt are all too-common tactics utilized to control and change us. It’s not about a matter of “decency.” It is about what is preferable and comfortable in someone else’s eyes, and their need to impose their values, opinions, and actions on us.
We’re told it’s not enough.
“There’s a better way.”
“You’re doing it all wrong.”
“Why can’t you just be like us, doing it just like us?”
Ever hear those kinds of things?
When something is valuable and important to us, many times, other people have tried to discourage us by insisting how it is lacking something. It is not enough. What means the most to us, what deeply reflects who we are as unique individuals, is NOT enough.
Most of the time, when we encounter those kinds of judge-y statements, it’s from a place of projection. Someone else feels insecure and subpar about themselves and what they’re doing. Instead of dealing with those issues for themselves, they sidle up to us, perhaps, enjoying and ripping into something that means a great deal to us.
It’s too much work, in their own minds, to improve their own lives; it’s so much easier to just take apart someone’s else’s situation instead. Now that’s fun.
Pop the popcorn. It’s time for their personal amusement. Congratulations! Your misery is their entertainment.
We’re told it’s silly/frivolous/stupid.
We are misunderstood. What’s important to us is misunderstood.
That’s the short, simple answer.
What seems to be more complicated of an answer is that a rigid, status quo-, often fear-fueled way of living and choice making is threatened.
“That’s not how we do things around here.”
The subtext of that statement, however, communicates the message that “it” is not “legitimate.” And what’s often the opposite of that legitimate designation? Silly. Stupid. Not worth doing. Not worth choosing. Not worth being.
Being “legitimate,” being the normal status quo, however, is the way that’s credible, worthy of love, attention, money, and the benefits of life.
Accept no substitute.
Harsh, isn’t it?
Claim That Reverence! What Do We Say/Think About It?
What does that thing that signifies meaning or significance look like to us? Why do we believe we cannot or should not have it be that for us?
We need to focus on not getting talked out of personal meaning when it comes to that “thing” that is so important, it occupies a place of reverence. It’s individual, subjective, valid, and it has a right to exist in our lives. Many of us have been discouraged into believing what matters to us has no right to exist or mean what it means to us. We have been pressured into giving up or conforming to another person’s or system’s agenda.
We don’t need to get anyone’s else’s permission to justify its importance to us. It means what it means.
Claim your reverence. End of story.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
Claim That Reverence! Encourages us to find and celebrate what is personally meaningful to us.
