“No, You come here.”
While on social media, I came across a video clip of a small kitten, interacting with its human guardian. The little fluffball was sitting on the floor, about a foot away from its human. It mewed and insisted on getting attention. The human being, responded, by patting their hands on the bed, signaling to the feline, “Come on up here.”
The kitten responded back, tapping its feet and mewing. It looked like the sentiment was, “No, you come over here.”
Who knows how long this exchange went on like this? But it made me think of the one-sided nature of back-and-forth relationships.
Many of us have encountered such a creature. They have the similar telltale traits. The relationship is usually frustrating, with us feeling like we are the ones doing all the work, all the giving, while “they” are doing all of the taking, choosing to never even “meet us halfway.”
If we look at this kitten mewing, “No, you come here,” we can see a pattern emerging.
The rules were established from the start.
From the beginning, in the one-sided individual we’re dealing with, it was already decided how things would go. One way. Their terms. No exceptions.
Sometimes, that’s a case of us being vulnerable children, at the mercy of the adults who have authority over us, like parents.
Sometimes, it’s friendships or romantic relationships we engage in as adults. We over give and overextend ourselves with time, energy, money, and commitment.
Whatever the relationship is, it was determined to be this way, in their minds, from the start. They decided they would dictate the terms; we would obediently follow those terms.
It is a great set up for them.
The same thing, unfortunately, cannot be said for us.
There is no negotiation.
Usually, in a one-sided relationship, there, inevitably, comes a point in which we voice our displeasure.
We complain.
We vocalize how we feel this situation is not working for us. It is too stressful, too expensive.
And it is usually here where we encounter the blowback, the unpleasant, angry response from our one-sided party. They may counter with how we are “selfish,” “too needy,” “immature,” and “unreasonable” for challenging the terms of a relationship that works great for them.
Like the kitten in the video, they assert, “no, you come here.”
They cannot compromise. They are not interested in doing for us what we regularly do for them. To them, that seems imbalanced, disordered, and even abusive.
They don't see mutual reciprocity.
They only see their way of doing things in this relationship with us, or they are being harmed and used by us when we “get our way.”
There is no change.
They have black and white thinking. There is no room for shades of grey.
Those grey shades are the realities of both parties in the relationship taking turns giving and receiving.
The one-sided focused person is not interested in “taking turns.”
That can be threatening to them. They may fear losing control of the relationship. Their fragile sense of self and ego may be jeopardized with the humility that accompanies serving someone else. They may be threatened by the concept of simply doing something they don’t want to do, which is a part of any relationship at certain times.
They don’t want change.
They don’t want to change.
They don’t want us to change.
They are not interested in change, because, in their minds, it is of no benefit to them. It is only to their detriment.
And, often, it is here where we need to face an inevitable conclusion…
There can be more than a “one- way” relationship for us. It just may not be with this “one-sided” person.
The writing may be on the wall. This one-sided relationship with a certain person will not change. They will not compromise. They will not cooperate.
Therefore, knowing this, what is our next move? We can choose any number of things regarding this one-sided situation, like...
We can end it…
We can accept these unfair and frustrating dynamics for what they are…
We can devote our time, our attention, and our love to another person who will reciprocate in a mutually satisfying and fulfilling way…
We deserve people in our lives who respond with give-and-take attitudes. We deserve someone who responds to our “come here, please” request.
We deserve someone who will respond, “I’m here.”
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
Why do we experience one-sided relationships?
Why do we experience one-sided relationships? | elephant journal
Hide and Seek: Hidden Abuse
“It is called hidden abuse for a reason. It is usually never done in public. Abusers will endlessly provoke you in private or secretly do things to get a reaction. Many times, the public will witness only the victim’s reaction to the abuse and not the abuse itself. Unfortunately, survivors end up looking like the crazy or unstable ones, while the narcissists look like the mistreated victims.”
Maria Consiglio
As kids, most of us have played a game of hide and seek. It’s a game of being targeted, of running and hiding, of trying to outmaneuver being found, and of being “it” again.
It has some similarities, therefore, to the practice of hidden abuse.
For many of us, we are familiar with this more subtle form of abuse. It’s not the obvious black eye or broken bone. There doesn’t need to be physical evidence displayed on our bodies for this kind of abuse to exist.
No.
Tag: You’re it!
First, in this scenario of hidden abuse, you and are often “chosen.” We are the designated “it” target of the game. We don’t get a vote. It’s just decided. It’s our role to play in the game.
Abuse, especially hidden abuse, works like this. For whatever inexplicable reason, we are the convenient scapegoats, saddled with others’ sins, issues, problems, and disordered patterns of thinking.
Being chosen as “it” is usually not announced. No one ever openly declares we are “it,” like the game insists upon.
Yet, make no mistake, we are decidedly targeted.
We are tagged. And we cannot be untagged, as far as the abusive individual is concerned.
Running and Hiding.
We are forced to play in the mind games of manipulative tactics. It’s the triggering poking, the dog whistle that can rattle us. Mostly, because most of the abuse is already a set stage, behind closed doors, away from view. Our abuser can inundate us with constant, wearying, terrifying, and destabilizing tactics, all for the sick purpose of getting us unhinged. Often, our abuser is aware of a more public situation in which some form of an outsider “audience” will be present to watch things play out. Our abuser may be sadistic, fully enjoying this bind we will be placed in, the awkwardness, the discomfort, and the pressure.
The Countdown.
There can usually be some form of predictable pattern or timeline. There can be countdown, like, after a certain number of hours or days, being terrorized and upset by the abuser, there is a time-release element to the next phase of the hidden abuse. The clock is ticking, waiting for an exact moment of maximized opportunity to inflict the most heightened and twisted form of public trauma, all done covertly.
No one else will get “the inside joke.”
But we will.
No one else knows the pain behind a childhood nickname, just casually mentioned in public. But we know what it signifies.
Other people may not understand a certain turn of phrase, word choice, or facial expression our abuser makes sure to drop in this public setting.
But we hear it, see, it, and freeze in fear, intimated by it, nonetheless.
It is just a matter of time. Tick-tock.
And we know it.
And that is part of the hidden abuse.
Inevitable Discovery: Tag! “It” Again.
Part of the despair, and the no-win torture of this hidden form of abuse is how the strategic and covert tactics don’t end. They continue to roll out, no matter how much we try to modify our behavior, no matter how much we reason, or plead with toxic people. The despair can set in when we realize that it won’t change or improve.
Many of us, after years or decades of playing this sick hide and seek game, have finally reached the point in which we decide to cut ourselves off from them.
Leaving can be the only possible chance for a change. It becomes our last resort.
Come out of hiding.
So, where is the hope for us?
Abuse, in any form, is devastating.
How much more so, when the covert nature of it, like in hidden abuse, seems to thrive in the dark.
Perhaps, therein, lies our answer: shed light on its reality.
This sick game of tag exists.
Yes.
Once we know it, see, it, speak it, and claim it, we can work to extricate ourselves and heal from it.
Call it out.
Call out the game, even if it’s only silently, to ourselves.
We experience what we experience.
We are not crazy.
We are not overreacting.
It is real.
And we don’t have to play with its hidden nature any longer.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
There is a Hide and Seek Resemblance to the Hidden Abuse we experience.
There is a Hide and Seek Resemblance to the Hidden Abuse we experience. | elephant journal
Let Them Realize
Let Them Realize
How many of us are guilty of entertaining revenge fantasies against anyone who has “done us wrong?”
We want to get them back. We want to prove a point. We want to inflict at least a little bit of the pain and dysfunction they have caused us.
It’s human. It doesn’t need to be a great human display of thoughts, feelings, and potential behavior.
But it is there, nonetheless.
That’s why this concept is a challenge to the low-hanging fruit of tempting, yet unrealistic, payback.
“Never revenge. Let them realize.”
Hmm. Let them realize. What does that mean?
Not surprisingly, it’s a complicated answer. But here are, perhaps, some answers/tools which can aid us in achieving some semblance of closure and satisfaction. It’s a reframe. It’s challenging notions of true success and justice.
First…
Be peaceful.
Part of the pain we have endured from someone “who has done us wrong” involves the upset and chaos that has been introduced into our lives. Sometimes it has been betrayal. Sometimes, it has been loss. Sometimes, it has been our exploitation for their purposes. these are some of the disruptive examples which impact our lives, creating pain, trauma, hardship, and recovery.
Therefore, therapy is often a start as we try to access what happened and derive peace from it.
Be peaceful.
It sounds like an impossible task, doesn’t it?
Just how are we supposed to be peaceful when something so painful and disruptive has altered our lives?
Therapy can aid us in refocusing our attention onto us. It’s not just about what happened. It’s about how we’re responding to it. We have the right to prioritize ourselves in the midst of the upsetting situation we have experienced. It is out of our hands what “they” will do. They may never do anything to change their ways for the better. “They” may always be the disordered, dysfunctional, abusive, and chaotic person who has harmed us. That’s on them. They may or may not be peaceful and content with that.
But we have the choice and the opportunity to decide for ourselves what our next move will be. How will we interact with the concept of peace for ourselves? Peace can involve acceptance of what happened. That’s different from it being right or fair. Acceptance of what is, however, can often be a first step to achieve a firm footing.
Our abuser/enemy/ person “who did us wrong” may delight in us being unstable, unhinged, and emotionally at their mercy. When we can start rebuilding our personal peace, we can begin to take our power back.
And true revenge comes as we recognize this for ourselves.
They may not “realize” our change, as the advice concerning revenge states.
But it matters little, within the scope of our realization.
It is, indeed, our peace that matters most. It is our victory.
Let Them Realize.
Be Quiet.
When we often deal with a toxic person, someone who has “done us wrong,” there can be the temptation to really let them have it. Give them an earful. Rage at them.
These options, at first glance, can feel powerful and strong. A lot of us have felt powerless and voiceless. So, why wouldn’t we want to speak up for ourselves, and yell, if necessary?
Those louder behavior options, however, can have the opposite impact. Instead of reaching the person, and getting them to see the error of their ways, our upset only fuels their fiery egos. They love how they can get to us. It makes them feel all-powerful, while disempowering us, as we exhaust ourselves with our earnest attempts to stand up for ourselves.
Therefore, quieter techniques may be in order. These techniques work to take some of the emotional charge out of the air. We stop feeding the dysfunctional, abusive person who wants to exploit, have power over us, and exploit us.
So, be quiet.
Be non-reactive. Employ low contact. Avoiding the noise.
By refusing to play this losing game, a sense of peace and well-being can better be restored. We are not at their mercy. We see them for who they are.
And we don’t need to give it feedback.
Let Them Realize.
Be Gone.
And then sometimes, severity is in order.
Last-ditch effort.
No-contact.
After years, or even decades, of trying with someone who is harmful for us, sometimes, the only solution is to leave.
They will not change. They will not get better. They will not understand what we’ve been trying to tell them.
They will not. Sometimes, they cannot.
Regardless, the dynamics will be harmful to us. Stress, health scares, financial ruin, and a decline to our own emotional welfare are a few signs, pointing for us to simply get out.
For most of us, it has not been the immediate first response. We have tried and tried and tried. We’ve done things, like reading books, taking classes, changing our appearance, our careers, our geographical status, our religious affiliation, and for what?
There is no change. There continues to be the same harmful dynamic.
We just get weaker, in the process.
Sometimes, we need to leave.
Absence contains the message. To them, yes, but more importantly, to ourselves.
It’s the message of reclamation of ourselves, of our right and value to remove ourselves from harm.
Sometimes, that harm is in a person.
Let Them Realize.
Be yourself.
Reclamation without their dead weight.
What a concept, huh? For many of us, it’s been a long, hard struggle through inner peace, refraining from noise, and leaving toxic people and situations behind.
It’s all about reaching some arrival point to discovering who we truly are. When we strip away the lies, the abuse, the negativity, and the dysfunction, we can encounter the question mark of our personal identities.
When we distance and remove ourselves from and gain a different perspective on what we have lived through, we are left with ourselves. And we’re left with the ongoing work of deciphering who that is.
Be yourself.
It’s a milestone. It’s a declaration if independence. It’s a decision to start healing. It’s permission to remove masks and roles that do not fit us, were wrongfully imposed upon us, and were suffocating us.
Now it’s time to breathe.do we give ourselves permission to do so?
That’s part of the work of “Be yourself.”
It’s also part of the process, reiterating, “Let Them Realize.”
Realization. It’s about us, not them.
Let Them Realize.
Beyond matter of revenge, justice, and what’s fair or unfair in life, there is the bigger picture of realization, personally applied TO us.
What we do or don’t do, how we handle a situation in which someone has done us wrong, has everything to do with how it impacts us. And it is impacting us.
The person who wronged us may never realize, understand, or care about what they have done.
But how are we responding in our life circumstances? How doe it affect our daily lives? Our choices? Our relationships? Our health? Our sense of a spiritual connection? These are the factor that outweigh “getting even.”
Realization.
It IS about us, not them.
Let US Realize.
Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse
What are better ways of responding when someone has “done us wrong?”
What are better ways of responding when someone has “done us wrong?” | elephant journal
An And World
An And World
Lessening the severe extremes.
Embracing gray, in the middle of a first impression, black and white reality.
That’s often hard for us to do, especially if we come from abuse and dysfunction. Many of us are thoroughly indoctrinated into believe such rigid ultimatums as, “It’s my way, or it’s the highway!” We’ve been conditioned to believe that one experiences negates another.
Sometimes, however, in life, more than one situation, even while being directly in opposition to one another, can exist, simultaneously, at the same time.
For instance…
Yes, they abuse me, and they also can be loving…
Yes, they take care of me, and they also put me in jeopardy…
Yes, they have a mean streak, and they also can be charming and friendly…
And.
A mighty powerful, sometimes confusing, and upsetting little three-letter word.
Cognitive dissonance is a term often used within the context of abusive dynamics.
Its definition…
“The state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.”
Yeah.
So that’s often in full effect as we try to tread water in abusive and unhealthy dynamics. If we are in a chaotic, harmful, even dangerous relationship with someone, “and” is a torturing reality.
It shows up as instability, inconsistency, cruel mind games, and manipulative tactics. It’s often emanating from “loved ones” who, yes, are supposed to love us.
But love doesn’t quite happen as easily and simply as it should, huh?
And.
“And” can explain, although it doesn’t conveniently comfort, how radically different things can storm, in hurricane frenzy, around us.
It’s all in effect.
Love. Hate. Abuse. Kind treatment. Terms of endearment. The cruelest of slurs and insults. Being tended to. Being neglected. Beaten. Hugged.
It’s all there. It’s mixed messages. It’s daily and constant. It can be unpredictable. It often doesn’t “make sense.”
It’s this AND it’s that.
Both.
All.
Not one or the other. Multiple realities, requiring we deal with them all.
Life is an “and world,” so much of the time, neither asking for our permission, nor giving adequate instruction on how to weather the inundating circumstances.
It seems like what we so often experience is just, “Go!”
We don’t get the time to rest or to regroup. Healing, if it exists, is often under extreme duress.
And: The Upside:
But there can be a silver lining of hope to the “And” situation.
Cognitive dissonance can get a bad rap. It’s the negative aspect of distressing confusion as our finite minds grapple to hold onto two dramatically different thoughts.
Our minds don’t do such a great job at that.
However, if we can give ourselves the grace and the permission to ALLOW two different thoughts to co-exist, while not placing pressure on ourselves to choose one over the other, there, perhaps, can be more sanity and peace.
It’s not ideal. It’s painful. It’s upsetting.
But if we can arrive at a place in which “this is true,” AND “that is true,” AND it doesn’t make us bad, or crazy, or wrong in the process, we can access more realistic breathing room.
It is what it is.
It’s not great. It’s not what we’d choose for ourselves, but reality is several complicated realities that exist at the same time.
It is all less- than- ideal. Ta-dah.
Imperfect. Painful. Difficult.
AND we can let ourselves off the hook for that. It’s beyond our control.
We can do what we can do, AND that’s it.
AND it’s enough.
Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse
An “And World” can explain the approach we can take in our harrowing circumstances.