This Excruciating Business
“This excruciating business of food…”
That was the statement, uttered by legendary writer, Virginia Woolf’s husband concerning her disordered eating issues.
In a recent article, Emma Woolf explores the eating disorder tendencies of her famous great aunt, including observations and statements from a concerned Leonard over his troubled wife:
“…he did not call his wife anorexic, but said ‘there was always something strange, something slightly irrational in her attitude towards food…’”
When I read the article, I thought of my husband. How many times did he, in fact, echo that same frustrated, baffled sentiment about my behavior? I write about our relationship in my book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder.”
“…The prospect of someone being close enough to truly know me was scary. I knew that, sooner or later, I would have to tell him the ugly truth about myself.
Moving from dating to engagement was difficult for me… Every time we went out to eat, I’d pretend not to have issues with food and weight. I hated feeling like a liar, but I was scared that he’d reject me if he knew the truth. What man, in his right mind, looks for all of this mess in a mate? I knew when I told him that he wouldn’t want me anymore. It bothered me constantly. He sensed something was wrong, of course and asked me about it. What do I tell him?
As we prepared for our wedding, I finally mentioned to him that I had a secret I wasn’t ready to share with him yet. Of course, he was curious and wanted to know right then and there, but he displayed patient understanding. He told me that he loved me and that it didn’t matter what it was. He didn’t pressure me to tell him. He knew there was a secret and left it at that. Even though his response helped me feel freer and safer, I still felt guilt pulling at me. I began wanting to tell him. After all, he’d been so incredible with everything else I’d told him. He knew about my family secrets. He knew all about my weaknesses aside from the eating disorders. He knew about all that yet still chose to love me. But I kept thinking, ‘don’t press your luck…’
…The time for truth came a couple of weeks after we were married. It was our first Thanksgiving together, and we had been married for only twelve days… Russ and I did the cutesy newlywed couple ‘this is the first mashed potatoes we’ve made together’ and ‘this is our first stuffing and cranberry sauce’ thing. We both ate our holiday feast, and I had tried not to think about all of the calories.
True to form, however, I proceeded to exercise after the meal… Russell thought this was strange and unnecessary; it was a holiday, after all. He told me to just relax and enjoy the day. I, of course, repeatedly told him that I couldn’t until I’d exercised. The conversation continued while I was on the stair stepper for two hours. But I saw a new look on his face: hurt. I was forfeiting my time with him, my brand new husband, to climb steps that weren’t going anywhere? I was so tired of keeping this secret, and I wanted to explain myself to him. The only way I could explain it was to tell him the whole story from the beginning. First, I played an alternative rock song, an anthem, a coping mechanism for me to deal with the eating disorders. It was an angry loud song of rage, and I thought that it would tell him clearly what I’d been through. It didn’t. He didn’t understand it. I took a deep breath, realizing, ‘No, Sheryle, the song isn’t going to tell him. You are.’ And so I did.
And the worst didn’t happen. He didn’t leave me, throw me out in the street, call me worthless and tell me how much he hated me. No. He looked at me, asked me, ‘This is the big secret?’ He hugged me, told me he loved me, and told me I was beautiful. I didn’t have to lie, hide, and pretend anymore in front of the man I loved. I felt a little freer.
Since then, Russell has been an incredible support to me as I’ve continued my path in dealing with my food, weight, and body image issues. It sounds so cliché, but it’s true: he loves me just as I am.”
His response is the comforting ideal; I wish everyone could experience that loving reaction. And, years later, he’s been with me as I’ve gone through therapy, issues and all manner of ugly, painful truth concerning “this excruciating business of food.” It’s been eye opening and empowering.
Relationships certainly are a part of life. And yes, people with disordered eating patterns and “outsiders,” like my husband, Russell fall in love and get married. That is a wonderful hope out there. But it’s not issue free. Since my book has been out, I’ve been approached by not only concerned parents and siblings, but also worried husbands and boyfriends, feeling fear, confusion and powerlessness over their loved ones’ conditions. The eating disorder reality can be quite alarming.
Because of that, I’ve asked Russell to offer his perspective, as my husband, dealing with the eating disorder from the outside. The dilemma, of course, is that it’s never truly outside when you love the person who is affected by the disorder(s).
Nevertheless, Russell has some words of encouragement and help for those of you husbands, boyfriends, fathers, brothers, friends and sons out there.
Sheryle: What did you know about eating disorders before you and I got involved?
Russell: I knew about them peripherally, but had no real knowledge about them. I’d heard of anorexia and bulimia but knew little about what they were.
S: What are the “do’s” in dealing with a girlfriend, wife, loved one who has eating disorders of any kind?
R: Be supportive; be understanding and open to listening to them if they talk to you about it. Do seek help for both yourself and your loved one. Educate yourself on what is going on because having an idea what you are dealing with is a good thing.
S: What are the “don’t’s” in dealing with a girlfriend, wife, loved one who has eating disorders of any kind?
R: Don’t assign blame, don’t bargain or try to coerce the person into eating: it doesn’t work. Don’t allow the person’s illness to become the overwhelming force in your life because that helps no one. Don’t be judgmental because that is a component of the “control” issue and reinforces their wrong thinking.
S: What’s the most frustrating thing about living with/loving someone who struggles with disordered eating?
R: Knowing there is nothing you can do but try to be supportive and understanding in the face of their continued practices. Not being able to enjoy certain things without fear of triggering their disordered patterns.
S: What would you tell boyfriends, husbands and male loved ones right now, about eating disorders?
R: One: It has nothing to do with you. This is something the sufferer did to themselves and your only requirements are to help and be supportive of attempts to get help.
Second: There is no way you can “fix” this. Only when the sufferer chooses to get help for their problem can any progress be made.
S: Any other advice?
R: Always let the person know you love them, no matter what. I think it’s important they know they are loved but there is a line you shouldn’t cross.
S: How do you feel about Leonard’s quote?
R: I believe it was said out of frustration and not understanding Virginia’s problems ,whatever they may have been.
The eating disorder issue is complex, requiring education, understanding and willingness from both the sufferer and the loved one who loves her.
But it’s not hopeless.
Over time, my relationships with both God and Russell have shown me it’s not. There can be incredible life, purpose and relationships, in spite of any eating disorder track record.
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
Jeremiah 29:11
With love, support and treatment, life can, indeed, go from “excruciating” to wonderful. It’s my hope each of us experiences that freeing reality!
“…He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”
Philippians 1:6
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse
Are we the ones willing?
“Generational trauma falls hardest on the ones willing to heal.”
Nate Postlethwait
Abuse, often, doesn’t just appear out of nowhere.
It is learned. It is observed. It is practiced.
And, often, it has existed for generations. Perhaps, our parents learned maladaptive, harmful behaviors by watching their parents. And our grandparents, more than likely, learned destructive ways of being from watching their parents.
And how far back does that whole dreadful situation go?
What is especially painful to learn and cope with is the issue of willingness. Who was/is willing to embrace, accept, challenge, or change behavior, abusive, intergenerational trauma included?
For, as much as we can find, looking back, those individuals who engaged in and terrorized via abusive, traumatic behaviors and choices, we can also find people who were willing to challenge, change, and stop toxic dynamics.
The willingness of individuals can largely determine how issues like abuse and trauma are handled. Some people enable and turn a blind eye to unhealthy situations. Some people choose to abuse; it is a choice they willingly choose.
For those of us who dare to defy abusive environments and behaviors, however, we must ascertain how willingness shows up for us.
Therefore, we need to be willing to…
Notice trauma.
Think about it. As you heard family stories, especially involving older generations, was anyone ever labelled as “crazy?” How about “a problem?” Or “difficult?” These are just a sampling of words used to dismiss someone or give them a certain reputation.
Why were they labelled this way?
Perhaps, because of the willingness they demonstrated.
Did they willingly resist, fight against, and protect others from abusive and traumatic situations?
Were they exiled, shunned, and persecuted as scapegoats for their willing choices?
And what about situations we personally experienced? What have we personally seen and encountered?
Were we hit, punched, kicked, spat upon, or shoved? Did we witness someone else experiencing those things? Were there verbal tirades? Did someone exercise control over finances? Did people lie about, cover up, make it easier for these dynamics to exist?
Was it hell on earth?
The huge lie many of us have believed, confronted, and defied has been that “this is normal.” Someone getting harmed is “normal.” Constant terror and instability are “normal.” Feeling unsupported, unheard, unseen, and trapped is considered “normal.”
Breaking the toxic spell of that lie is often the first step of our recovery. And it’s not easy. It requires us to look at what we lived. It requires that we notice. That means scrutinizing and paying attention to what happened. Not what we wish had happened. Not what was more appealing or easier to view.
What really happened?
Willingness is the prerequisite of moving into that space and seeing things as they are.
We cannot go any further if we don’t notice what happened.
Make no mistake. It “falls hardest” on us willing individuals because we are going against “the norm.” Often, we do this alone, unsupported from others, like family members. The consequences of our willingness to notice, rather than to ignore, can include shunning, ridicule, withdrawal of love, and smear campaigns. We can become outliers, simply for noticing. Toxic individuals view our observations as betrayal. We don’t fall in line and agree with the assertion that there is “nothing to see here.”
And this often can be a deeply entrenched intergenerational belief system. It was in in place before us. And, sadly, it can go on after us, despite our seeing and alerting people to its toxicity. Family, especially, are often not interested in new information that challenges how “we’ve always done it this way.”
Our willingness to notice is powerful. And, once we see it, then what?
We need to also be willing to…
Get help.
Okay, so we see something; we notice something.
What action do we take?
Getting help. Therapy. Outside intervention. Changing our patterns.
Are we willing to do this?
For many of us, it can feel like we don’t have a choice but to change. It has gotten so bad, that our lives, our health, our well-being, our finances, and our children are in jeopardy if we don’t “get help.”
Willingness can come out of sheer survival. And it can come from a desire to improve our lives.
We see that an entrenched, destructive way of doing things is NOT working. It destroys life, rather than creating and preserving life.
Some people don’t see that. Some people see that ugly reality, yet choose to ignore it, and do nothing about it. Some people choose to keep engaging IN it, allowing abusive, harmful, and dysfunctional behaviors to continue and flourish for years or decades to come.
Hardness falls on us as, yet again, we are unsupported. People, especially family, may label us as “crazy,” “the problem,” or “difficult” for our choice to get help. Again, we’ll be judged and ridiculed. Sometimes, we may even be threatened. Dysfunctional and abusive people may also try to sabotage and interfere with our pursuit of getting help.
Often, they don’t want us to get better; they want us to stay miserable.
It can be that ugly.
It takes great bravery and strength to get help, in the face of that hostile, painful, and unsupportive reality.
But getting help can liberate us to experience the quality lives we should have always had. We deserve that experience.
Willingness opens the door to that happening.
And, after getting help, we need to be willing to…
Decide it’s not our fault.
Yes, we’ve noticed the trauma and the dysfunction, and, yes, we are seeking help.
But the work is not done yet.
We need to embrace this concept: it’s not our fault.
That’s the exact opposite of the message many of us have believed and lived. All too often, our abusers blamed us; they made us responsible for their abhorrent behavior. We were “bad boys/girls.” We were “dirty,” “not good enough,” and the problematic reason why someone drank, used, beat, hit, or mistreated us in so many ways. And this, again, can go back generationally, so much so, it is simply regarded by the system as how things are done here.
Replacing that entrenched way of thinking and viewing ourselves is not quick and easy. Realizing that we are not to blame for another person’s choice, let alone, another generation’s choice, is strange and unfamiliar to us. It can feel unnatural.
To look at the concept of where, exactly, fault lies, we need to face unsettling, disturbing, and ugly truths of who people are, what a situation was, not what we’d like to be, and what our part needs to be, from here. Generational context can aid in explaining how we wound up here.
And it’s not a simple blame game, and that’s that. “Blame,” yes, may be a part of the process. However, we need to move forward and do our healing work from there. It’s not enough to simply declare it’s “so and so’s fault,” and then proceed with our lives, unchanged.
Change, on our part, is a necessary component of our work and healing.
It’s about accurately assessing the situation, with the people involved, for what it is. It’s about identifying and challenging abusive, toxic, harmful, and dysfunctional behaviors. And then, we need to act accordingly, and change the thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that are not healthy as they show up in us.
“It’s YOUR fault!” is one of those damaging, intergenerational beliefs and behaviors, shifting blame away from an abuser to, instead, the abused and the vulnerable.
The trauma should never have happened. We didn’t deserve it. We didn’t deserve it getting passed down to us, taught to us, forced upon us.
Yet here we are, with its aftermath.
Therefore, we need to recognize our need to work to change any vestige of that trauma’s impact on us now.
And, therefore, we need to be willing to…
Heal lifelong.
“…‘Do you want to get well?’"
John 5:6
Willingness is an ongoing choice; wellness is an ongoing choice.
It’s not a “one and done” thing.
And so, “the ones willing” commit to healing lifelong, with all that it entails.
It’s an imperfect quest.
Healing is not linear or predictable. It’s filled with failures, setbacks, heartache, loss, and feelings of insecurity and instability.
Many of us who have been in abusive and dysfunctional systems, including intergenerational trauma, have been cast as scapegoats, black sheep, outsiders, and the “defective” or “crazy ones.” We didn’t go along with the agenda of the “others.” We did not pleasantly participate in the dysfunction in the way toxic people expected us to participate.
Therefore, we won’t get their support in our healing. That can be a shock to our system.
That is part of the hardness that often falls to us. We may need to go it alone. We may encounter resistance, sabotaging efforts, and hostility as we pursue our healing.
Others may not want us to get better. It may be too threatening to them. That’s an unfortunate possibility we need to accept and prepare for.
We still have our choice. Will we choose to heal, for the long-term?
Where do we stand on willingness?
We repeatedly decide what to do with this approach in life. Are we willing, or aren’t we? We decide what we’ll do daily. It’s not just the large issues. It is also the smaller, perhaps, more pervasive, and tedious details.
We’re the mavericks, the pioneers, and the change agents if we choose to heal. If we are willing. That’s not to be underestimated. Other people and other generations may not have been willing; they may not have been in a position where they felt they could pursue the willingness to heal.
But we are who and where we are in life. We have the knowledge and the access.
Will we be willing to do what we need to do with those things?
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse
Patience and Wisdom... Or the Skunk?
Recently, I saw an image of a skunk eating from a dog’s food bowl, while the poor canine sat there, fully aware of the situation. The caption read as follows:
“Two of the greatest qualities of life are patience and wisdom.”
Amen.
Indeed, when I was a little girl, our dog, Princess had an encounter of this concept, with unpleasant results. Being half terrier, she loved chasing critters. She’d bring a dead woodchuck or squirrel to our front door many times. And yes, she was also thoroughly engaged in pursuing skunks which occasionally scampered across our farm. Bad idea.
So, we all know what happened next. (“Mom, get the tomato juice…again!”)
As much as we’d like to think we’re smarter than a dog tangled with a smelly skunk, we, unfortunately, still often wrestle with the patience and wisdom thing, don’t we? Impatience, instant gratification drives, unmet need perceptions and shortsightedness are just a few demanding lures which spur us on to our own individual skunk encounters of relapse and self-destruction.
But, c’mon, it’s more tantalizing and supposedly “easier” to get in there with our own way of doing things, right?
We’re in control…
We have a handle on it…
We won’t go “too far…”
(“Mom, please get the tomato juice… again.”)
Scripture cautions our independent, bright idea sort of thinking…
“There is a way that seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death.”
Proverbs 14:12
Debby downer stuff, yes, but, again, we need these refresher courses, because, well, we have a tendency to get into all kinds of messy trouble. Have you met the human race? Yeah.
So, patience and wisdom are two guard rails to our lives.
“In your patience possess ye your souls.”
Luke 21:19
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”
James 1:5
They show up frequently in the Twelve Steps:
We admitted we were powerless over a substance or behavior - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
So, it would be great to embrace those helpful aids, right? Why don’t we give them some great big hugs?
Once again…
“There is a way that seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death.”
Proverbs 14:12
And maybe that little nugget of wrong perception spurs us to create our own set of Twelve “Fun” Steps instead. So, we reason…
We admit we are powerful over any substance or behavior – we can, indeed, manage very well, thank you.
We came to believe we are God (this is an effective one); we are the ultimate center of the universe.
We made a decision to turn to our every whim and want as the final authority; we justify everything we do because, dagnabbit, we’re worth it!
We don’t need to explain anything to anyone. If people don’t get us, well, that’s THEIR problem, not ours.
We have nothing to be sorry about; we absolutely great. We owe no one ANY explanations or apologies.
We want absolutely no one, including God, to intervene in our choices and lives; we don’t want to change anything!
We get an attitude, we revel in our defensiveness. Yes, we know what’s best. Leave us alone.
We never need to face who we’ve hurt and wronged; we never need to be accountable to anyone. They just need to get over it already.
We owe no one any explanations. It’s our lives, after all. We’re too important to stop moving.
We never apologize or admit we’re wrong. That’s a sign of weakness. We’re not weak; we’re invincible!
We just need to seek out what gratifies us, never mind God, other people or “un-fun” things. Let’s have a good time instead.
We want to be numb, pain free and happy at all costs. Our pleasure is the most important thing in life. If it doesn’t make us happy, we don’t do it.
Now, looking at these gems, raging, screaming narcissism, selfishness and arrogance just leap out, right? It looks ridiculous, like a toddler, throwing a temper tantrum on the floor.
But that’s exactly what our human nature, left unchecked, seems to be. Without patience and wisdom, we’re tangling with a whole variety of skunks- and we WILL pay the price for that entanglement.
Yes, it’d be much more fun to do whatever we feel like doing whenever and however we feel like doing it. It’d be great to have absolutely EVERYTHING we want when we want it. Patience and wisdom are not exactly “party words.” But, as we grapple with self-control, addiction, recovery, health and maturity, we need to keep one important thing in mind: God’s promise.
“For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.”
Hebrews 10:36
It’s not just about avoiding the bad consequences; it’s about opening ourselves up to the GOOD ones as well. There is a payoff for practicing patience and wisdom. There are rewards.
Good health, an effective recovery program, a happy family, fulfilling relationships, peace, love and a real relationship with God are some of those rewards. However they don’t “just happen.” They take work; they take patience and wisdom.
Again, we need that refresher course as each of us encounters a myriad of skunk opportunities. Mr. Stinky’s in your field of vision. Patience and wisdom are too. What will you choose to do?
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse
Be Angry!?
I recently saw an image of Joan Crawford swinging an ax. There she was, in her 1940’s hairstyle and thick eyebrows, looking like she was going to land that sucker in someone’s living room couch. I immediately said to myself, “Been there, Sister.”
One of the biggest hurdles in my recovery process has been the anger/forgiveness issue. It doesn’t exactly make me jump up and down with giddy glee forgiving those who have hurt me; forget about forgiving myself for bad choices, often including, but not limited to, my addictions and compulsions. Facing real life issues, embracing brutal honesty, apologizing and changing behaviors aren’t fun playtime; they involve work: consistent, tedious, sometimes boring and painful work.
Recovery and life, however, encourage us to DO that very work. Refusal to do so threatens things like our progress, our health and our relationships. And that means we need to look our own anger in the eye. That’s a toughie.
Anger gets a bad rap. There’s where some of the confusion starts. Whatever our addictions or issues are, there tends to be an inaccurate assessment concerning what anger is, what it should be and what it costs us, if expressed.
For instance, as a kid, I was thoroughly indoctrinated in the belief that anger was bad; therefore, I was a “bad girl” if I ever expressed it. Females were supposed to be sugar and spice, all things nice, pleasing and accommodating. Just try to realistically live that out. Now try and meet that mandate if you’re in an atmosphere of abuse. Finally, add addictive tendencies and unmet needs up the wazoo and bingo! You have yourself some self-destructive anger which doesn’t feel like forgiving anyone or anything.
Growing up, my dad was verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling; he isolated my mother and me. We couldn’t come and go freely. We certainly could not speak our minds. And if he ever caught so much as an eye roll or a frustrated sigh, there would be more hell to pay as he started throwing things out of the house.
So, keeping his standard of peace was paramount. I learned that, by winning awards, I could, in fact, keep some of his rage at bay.
“...My perfect attendance record in school is an excellent example. For three years in a row, I did not missed one day of school, knowing that I would win a perfect attendance certificate, tangible proof on paper that I was worthwhile... So for the next few years, I went to school with colds, sore throats and influenza...
...When I reached junior high, I became so sick once I had to stay home... Three days at home, according to my dad, was enough...He decided he would take me into school...
...I got up the nerve to ask him, ‘Do you still love me?’ His answer? ‘If you do this again, I won’t.’”
(Excerpt taken from “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder”).
Enter the launch pad for anorexia. Brewing food, weight and body image issues had been there for years. But this, this was the activation moment. Just hand me an ax to swing.
“For we are consumed by thine anger, and by thy wrath are we troubled.”
Psalm 90:7
And swing I did. I swung all the way to a two-digit anorexic weight by age nineteen, to a one hundred pound bulimic weight gain by age twenty struggled for years, looking for love, peace, justice and meaning:
“Then said the LORD, ‘Doest thou well to be angry?’”
Jonah 4:4
It didn’t do me well. I had, however, mistaken the concept of anger with that of power. And that’s not a great thing to run with if you want some true healing going on. After all, let’s see what some little steps have to say about anger/power when it comes to a life in recovery...
1. We admitted we were powerless over a substance or behavior - that our lives had become unmanageable.
We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
No sign of an ax anywhere to be found. And trust me, I was looking. The disordered eating behaviors became my angry outlet. I wasn’t interested in “recovery.” I just wanted to rage!
“Then said the LORD, ‘Doest thou well to be angry?’”
Jonah 4:4
Again, that answer was still “no.”
But it wasn’t because I was a “bad girl” for being angry. It was because I didn’t see it for what it was: a human emotion:
“Be ye angry, and sin not...”
Ephesians 4:26
And then it was up to me to move THROUGH it. And that would take time...
And counseling...
And more time...
And it took God, in His grace, love and mercy not pulverizing me for being a flawed human being...
And man, was I that all over the place!
You see, Ephesians 4:26 touched on the real world nature of the emotion...
“Be ye angry...”
Human beings get angry. It happens. For those of us riddled with bitterness and resentment, that’s right up our ax-wielding alley, isn’t it?
But that’s not the end of the story.
When I first sought therapy years ago, the concept of the pendulum was discussed. In my attempts at coping with family and personal dysfunction, I over-reacted. Okay, let’s get real; I got ver-r-r-r-angry.
Me. The nice girl.
Anyway, what came up was how my inaccurate assessment of anger caused me to often over correct and swing things in the other direction.
So, if the pendulum once swung in the direction of “anger is bad and unacceptable for me to express,” then, of course, the opposite swing to that is “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it any longer. Now gimme that ax!”
So, yes, that’s quite extreme.
The goal, ideally, is -cliché alert- moderation, to find that healthier balance between those two points. And that can get messy, especially as, in my instance, I was unskilled at being properly angry.
I know. It’s a shocker.
Anyway, I had my share of embarrassing meltdown episodes, yelling at telemarketers and customer service people. However, these rage episodes had nothing to do with them. It was me.
Again, surprise.
And it was in these “me moments” where I found myself at the forgiveness intersection. And, as much as I didn’t want that to be my pressing issue, there God was, nonetheless, coaxing me to take that forgiveness two step.
However, I didn’t want to take that step because, just like the anger issue, I also had the wrong idea of what forgiveness is.
In short: it’s not a feeling; it’s a decision.
And life has a way of making sure we get a lot of practice making this decision. According to Matthew 18:7, offenses will come.
“Woe unto the world because of offences!...Offenses come; but woe to that man by whom the offense cometh!”
Goody.
The second part of that scripture, you know, the one about the person causing the drama? Well, that got my attention. I saw myself; I saw how my self-destructive decisions, including my refusal to forgive were messing me up.
Woe to me. Yay.
And that’s part of the danger of anger and its evil twin, refusal to forgive. Both eat away at our lives. And our recovery processes? Forget about it!
But it’s a hard thing to get around. Spiritually, forgiveness is a force of nature principle.
“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.”
Mark 11:25
In my dysfunction, I chased several lies which did nothing except get me deeper in the hole. Here are some highlights:
1) Anger/bitterness/resentment equal power. I need to obtain and maintain this power to avoid getting hurt in the future.
2) Whoever hurt me in the past fully deserves my wrath.
3) In order to get through my pain and anger, I need to turn to my choice addictions.
4) These addictions actually work to keep me functioning; I cannot be without them.
5) I don’t need to let go of my anger. I just need more of my choice addictions.
So, years passed, I flailed and seethed. I tried to get beyond the pain. But God kept bringing me back to the forgiveness thing.
And I didn’t want to go back there.
Nevertheless, He kept nudging me to forgive my dad. Not only that, He wanted me to ask for his forgiveness as well!
C’mon, God! Shallow end of the pool here, at the very least!
But no.
And after a lot of arguing, rebellion and pouting, I finally forgave my dad. Did I feel all “forgive-y?” Nope. But did some forgiveness feelings eventually start showing up?
Yes, they did.
And has it helped in my recovery? Yes. It’s not instant or perfect, but forgiveness has become a tool for me to support healthy choices, not sabotage them.
And that doesn’t mean all anger is cancelled out. I experience it; I feel it. Sometimes, I express it in less than noble ways. Sometimes, I’m thoroughly...“Be ye angry,” while needing work on the “sin not” part of the scripture.
But I know anger is a triggering check engine light for me. I have to be real and honest about its presence. And I have to deal with it, preferably without an ax.
Again, it’s not a perfect, one-time event. But it is relevant to recovery. Denying it or suppressing it does nothing positive for our wellbeing, especially when it comes to our vulnerable spots.
There’s no anger ax that is too hard for God.
“Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?”
Jeremiah 32:27
Thank GOD for that!
And so, I try to remember that truth, even in the middle of my angry, “ax-y” Joan Crawford moments.
Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse