Energy Matched

See if you can recognize yourself here.

You feel like you are in a one-way relationship. You are involved with someone who expects you to do most, if not all, of the interaction. You are expected to initiate communication, planning, and resourcing of the other person’s life.

You are the “go-to” person.

You are the emotional support, the therapist, and, in some way, the constant source of help.

Feel tired yet?

Somehow, in some way, for some reason, this person waits for you to come to them. All visits are one-way: you, going one-way, to them. All plans, and funding and facilitating of those plans are done by you, because “they” expect and wait on you to do it.

There is the expectation that any text, email, phone call, or personal visit, as well as any task or chore, will be your responsibility to initiate and carry out, regardless of what is happening in your life.

There is not only the expectation that you will do any of these mentioned things, but also the pressure of their dependence upon you to do them, or else…

Some version of worst-case scenario ensues.

Things like…

Death…

Eviction…

Endangering a vulnerable person or pet…

Legal ramifications, including prison…

You get the idea.

It’s up to you to protect, support, and rescue them. They, however, do not feel the same way concerning you. They don’t think about your needs, issues, and vulnerabilities, while you are consumed with theirs.

And this social media thought may never ever even seem to dawn on us…

“Nobody notices what I do until I stop doing it.”

Resonate with anyone?

Being loving, kind, moral, and healthy.

Living this way is a challenging master class.

And many of us, at best, are C-Minus students.

Let’s face it: being loving, kind, moral, and healthy all takes energy.

And we have a finite amount of that energy.

Yet, somehow, we believe we need to overextend that energy to others.

And the “do unto others” principle, seemingly, doesn’t let us off the hook easily, does it?

“Do to others as you would like them to do to you.”

Luke 6:31

So, how do we better steward our precious energy?

There is something to the concept of matching energy.

“Sowing and reaping,” for instance. Action and reaction.

Even “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” comes into play a bit.

Now before we go about plucking out everyone’s eyeballs, and knocking other people toothless, let’s just take in the possibility of more evenly, and accurately, matching the energy that comes at us. This isn’t about vengeance, “getting even,” or punishing someone. Rather, it’s about being a better steward with what, and who, gets our precious energy/attention.

We have focused so much on our end of “doing,” that we often forget our responsibility concerning “don’t.”

Some “don’t” possibilities to incorporate?

Don’t over-give.

Give unconditionally. Give lovingly.

“Give, ‘til it hurts.”

Giving can feel wonderful to our spirits. It can feel rewarding to show love, and to help someone in need.

However, it is often hijacked and exploited by others.

“They” just love the “freebies.”

Who doesn’t love free stuff, right?

However, some people and systems have no problem with only being on the receiving end, never the giving end.

They feel entitled to that setup.

“Give, ‘til it hurts.”

In the name of family. In the name of love. In the name of relationship. In the name of business. In the name of “teamwork.”

“Give,” translation, “over-give… and under-receive.”

Don’t self-abandon.

This “don’t” is next on deck.

Self-sacrifice is revered and applauded. It’s viewed as holy, noble, loving, kind, and “right.” To not over-give, through self-sacrifice, is to sin and neglect.

It is viewed as “wrong.” End of story.

But there’s a difference between self-sacrifice and self-abandonment.

The first, arguably, has an element of giving something of us that is precious, for someone or something else that needs it.

It is a part of ourselves, not the entirety of our being.

Self-abandonment, however, is more subtle and sinister. It can disguise itself as sacrificial in the noble sense of the word, but it demands we must give everything, even if it’s detrimental to us. We are expected to walk away from the innermost sacred and important parts of us: values, morals, and our true natures. We are expected to comply and abandon ourselves for the “greater good.”

Slippery slope, though.

How much, exactly, constitutes, and fulfills, us completely giving ourselves away for a worthy cause?

That is the place many of us wrestle with being “enough.” Giving enough. Loving enough. Doing enough.

We seem to be on this spectrum. Somehow, we determine that, unless we suffer, via sacrifice, which is really abandoning ourselves, unless we are in pain, we cannot have access to things like love, relationships, peace, safety, and a wide variety of assorted dreams and goals.

Maybe we’re masochists, but there usually is a realization that the thing we desperately want will cost us.

And sometimes, yes, it costs us everything about ourselves.

Yet we can rationalize it’s a fair trade.

Is it though?

Can you see the harmful setup coming?

Don’t put oneself in harm’s way.

It’s a hop, skip, and a jump from abandonment/sacrifice to harm here.

With “giving” being our central focus, out of love, fear, obligation, guilt, or perceived “necessity,” we will place ourselves between someone needing some kind of rescue, and the proverbial oncoming train, barreling down the track.

Usually, by this point, we have decided and accepted that this person will not return our giving actions. They are only in “take” mode.

Therefore, we also decide, to some degree, that there is no other solution than to put ourselves at risk: physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, and personally.

This last one, personally, especially cuts deep. We can, move into a space, no matter how aware that we are doing just that, into relegating ourselves to “savior,” “martyr,” and “fixer.”

This is our lot in life. Does it sound ridiculous?

Well, check yourself.

Is there any part of your life that feels like you are martyred? Are you swooping in, saving someone’s day, in any way?

How “go-to” are you?

“Go-to” is a reality that happens in life, yes. Usually, at some point, each of us will encounter one instance in which we helped someone.

That, by itself, is not problematic.

However…

There’s a difference between the occasional versus the abusive dynamic.

“Crisis” should be a rare event in our lives, not just “another Tuesday.”

One time is an occurrence. Repeated instances are a pattern.

We need to examine, just exactly, how much repetition is going on here.

And then we need to ask ourselves about its unhealthy nature.

“How much unhealthy is tolerable?”

In unhealthy situations, we often find ourselves overextending our energy to make something bearable. Ideally, any kind of “unhealthy” should not be tolerated.

But life is not ideal; it is complicated, and we cannot always just leave a situation.

Therefore, adjusting how we expend energy becomes more important. To protect our peace, sense of self, and, yes, personal safety, we need to rethink our energetic responses to certain people.

If something is a pattern, a recurring dynamic, then we have every right to protect ourselves.

Remember “self,” not just “other.”

“Do to others as you would like them to do to you.”

Luke 6:31

What do you want done to you?

What are those things?

Help? Love? Support? Listening?

Feedback?

Connection?

Energy is contextualized and on a spectrum. We emit and we receive.

What does that look like?

Therefore, pulling back our energy can provide the truth of a situation or a relationship.

Don’t over-give.

Don’t self-abandon.

Don’t put oneself in harm’s way.

Withdraw energy from this one-way person.

What happens?

Do they change their behavior?

Do they seek you?

Do they express how important you are to them?

Do they withdraw further?

Do they blame or try to manipulate you?

Do they attack and criticize your decision to pull energy away from them?

Do they disappear from your life completely?

We, through the act of giving, know we are giving.

By now pulling back that precious energy we give, we can see their response, their action. Pulling back ourselves, then, can help to make visible how they view us, what they want from us.

Do they want us, or do they only want what we give to them?

Do they want a one-way, or a two-way street?

Do they want matched energy, or not?

Copyright © 2024 by Sheryle Cruse